231 -glorious sunshine....inside and out

We had a lovely day today.
The amazing sun and the warmth it brings has such a positive affect on us all. The kids were so happy pottering about in the garden, Archie wanted a 'lazy day', I did manage however to persuade him to go to nursery. We had the most lovely walk round, Archie took his tractor and managed to ride it most of the way there and Sadie wanted to walk. I wised I'd taken my camera she looked so adorable trotting along with her backpack on, our neighbour commented that it looked like a parachute it was so big on her. Mini spent the whole journey saying 'my school is busy bees', she is so grown up and independent it frightens me, where has my wee one gone?

Archie asked again this morning about his brother and where we put him, so as it was such a gorgeous day we all went up to the grave. Pugs, myself, the kids and mum and dad all went, we left beautiful sunflowers for Alfie and brought one home for us to remind us of him when we are away from him. I sat on the grass in front of the stone with Archie on my lap and explained that Alfie was below us, but is was only his bones left, Grandma showed him Alfie's name on the stone and pointed out that they have the same second name. He seemed pretty mellow about it, he did ask on the way there if we were digging him up!!! Luckily he forgot all about that request once at the cemetery.
A moment filled with such mixed emotions, I did have a wee tear in my eye as we sat there, so so so grateful, beyond words to be holding my lovely boy, feeling his warmth the smell of his hair and listening to his nonsense chatter and yer overwhelmed with sadness that I never got the chance to know Alfie, that as time goes on I feel sad in a empty feeble way. I know some people will disagree with the way we raise our kids and of course it is all coloured by the loss of our first born, yes I probably do indulge them  emotionally more than I should, but can anyone love a child too much! As for our way of including Alfie and making him a part of our family, I feel we have the balance right. I am always firm with Archie that we are not sad anymore, and that we have him and Sadie to love...I don't want the kids to grow up in the shadow of an older dead sibling, however I do feel it is important that they understand the cycle of life. Shit, I always remember thinking that losing a pet was such a great experience for kids, one less thing I have to worry about since our experienced death from the get go - I hope it only increases their emotional abilities and makes them rounder warmer and more compassionate individuals - One can  always dream for the best for their children.

48-366 happy to be en famille - warning sad content

Today was Uncle Jim's funeral. It was so sad to see my Dad hurting, and all the others in the family.

The service was gentle and touching - but death is always hard no matter age or stage, most of the time people leave loved ones behind and in doing so leave a legacy. One takes comfort in the knowledge that Jim left behind people who loved him, who will continue to miss him and think of him - ultimately continue to love him.

Funny thing that, loving someone who is no longer with us, you would think it fades over time - in my experience the pain of losing them fades but the love doesn't.

Loss is only tolerable due to love.

I fought hard during the service to focus on  Jim, my dad, auntie Jean and Gran - however, I was drawn back to Alfie a number of times. It is so hard not to - I am my own frame of reference. I'm sure everyone thinks of all the people they have lost at funerals, I'm sure my Gran stood thinking about standing in the same spot at my Granda's funeral.

I know people think that 'sands' mums go on too much about losing our babies, however it is tough as death is all we have to remind us of them, no happy moments, laughter, joy, nothing - just the stark reality of loss. I endeavour to remember the moments of happiness during my pregnancy with Alfie and of course in a paradoxical way I was happy to meet him even if I knew it was also our final and first meeting in one.

This has turned into a ramble - not what I had initially intended tonight.

What with losing Jim and Grandma Marion dying we are surrounded by it, it is hard not to dwell.

I struggled to think of a photo for today, I wanted to take a photo of my lovely family, but never got a chance.......and as this post had turned into Alfie wee mans i think I'll do a photo for him.

I feel I need to explain myself - I know many people have photos of their wee ones online, on facebook, up on walls in the house and have countless photos of their graves. I've always felt mixed about this and I'm never sure why? I guess prior to losing Alfie I would have been truly horrified at the thought of a dead baby photo or a grave, however I know that's all we have. So I am bravely putting up a picture of Alfie's  grave on his anniversary this year.

Leaving a red (his absolute favourite colour) balloon for his big brother.

 

I decided not to re read or edit this post so apologies if it is macabre and a mess xxxx

29-365 Happy green fingers

Horticultural Happiness

Archie and I had an adorable we moment this weekend where I caught him chatting to our orchid, He was holding it in his arms saying 'I'll make you happy, don't worry I know what to do'. He asked me if we could give it some juice to make it feel better and that it was thirsty. So we watered the orchid, he still wasn't happy - I then realised he had expected the stem and flower to be upright, he had thought because it was growing out the way it was unhappy. We had a lovely discussion about different plants and he seemed happy to just have a wee chat to the orchid to make it happy.

That orchid was given to me as a pressie from my cousin Kirsty when Archie was born, it has been great - although it doesn't get the best of care or attention it still powers on. It has been in every room in the house and appears to be quite versatile and not opposed to change or transition (unlike us, I'm hopeless at it - and Archie doesn't even like my new toenails) - I hope to have that Orchid for a long time it appears to want to hang around too. I also hope it brings Archie and I many more wee chats, his questions, interest and general Joie de vivre is a constant reminder of how special and precious our wee family  is. Even a simple morning at home can be filled with moments of joy. Another reason to thank my wonderful kiddos for reminding me how awesome life is. After a 'sands' weekend I feel filled with thoughts of my darling Alfie, adn yet I know now I would never change the way things are,  I consider my two earthside babies a gift to us from their big brother, without him they wouldn't be here and how could I contemplate a life without them? I must accept that things are as they are meant to be, after 4 years of my new life I can't say it is worse than life before Alfie. I do feel overwhelming sadness when I think of the pain and shock we all suffered, of the guilt I felt when seeing my loved ones pain - it has been worth it! Without Alfie I would be less of a person and I would rather have known him as I did than never experienced him at all. I do think it has brought us closer, made us all stronger and for that I thank him - he has filled my life with many gifts.

Not to be outdone, my darling Mini Haha, her chat gets better every day too. Look at that sheer delight on her wee face......x

2/365 happy things

Apologies for the awful photos - Every year at xmas my mum and dad buy something for Alfie, this year it was the above, a school starter pack. I love that he is remembered  at xmas along with his brother and sister he also gets a pressie in his memory. I know its coming and yet every year I cry - bitter sweet tears.

XXXXX How awesome to have such an amazing set of parents, Pug and  I are blessed with their support and love.

If grief came with a manual.........

it would read - once box is opened, it can never be closed again.

Step one - How one deals with this fact is entirely personal. Some of us mourn publicly loudly for a long time - others quietly and quickly and then pick up the pieces and 'move on'.

When Alfie died, I was horrified at the idea that one day I would be one of those women whose life is consumed with loss. Who wears jewellery with their child's name around their neck, publicly announcing my child died(i opted for a more subtle bracelet with his tiny photo and a lock of his hair), I have a teeny teeny photo in our house which unless you looked carefully you'd never see.
I never wanted to deny my boy, however he is mines and lives in my heart - I don't need to look at his photo - nor wear a t-shirt that says 'angel mummy'.  I rarely put up a facebook status about Alfie, except on his anniversary and in babyloss week, I know that might seem cold in comparison to other mums who post constantly but I feel happy with my way.
That is not to say, those who do go down this route of mourning are any better or any worse than me - it's simply a means of survival and what works best for one.

Of late my life has been consumed by sands and hence I feel I have become one of those mums who lives and breathes bereavement, how did I get here?
I was the positive one, the one who wouldn't be defined by my loss - I wanted to be much more than that 'women who lost her baby'. I fear in some eyes that's what I've become - this is not the case, as such life goes in waves...right now I'm in a sands phase, which will hopefully settle and my other more 'normal' life will return,. By normal I mean my normal - because really what is normal? What the majority do? What my peers do? who the hell knows what to do when a baby dies, who the hell really knows what to do when anyone dies - whether expected or unexpected one is never prepared for the harsh stark reality of loss. The curse of the human condition.


Step two - it's a continual learning curve.
Every time I think I've got it nailed something else comes up! I dot along in my cosy bubble loving my children I hold in my arms and loving the child I hold in my heart. I am surrounded by other mums who've lost a baby and it has become second nature to 'chat' about our wee ones, both living and lost.......HOW on earth did I not realise that others just don't want to hear that? One forgets that my 'normal' isn't everyone else's - I always thought/hoped one of the positive things about losing Alfie was that it had made me a more compassionate person - yikes, maybe not. When did I become so self-absorbed I forgot about others feelings.....

Thing is, it doesn't consume me, I very rarely cry anymore ( maybe I should, rather than this once a year malarky, which is all consuming and exhausting), and never chat about him at work or with boob club mums. I no longer need to scream out 'I LOST MY BABY' quietly inside while others are chatting about their live children. This is partly due to time and my darlings who I can cuddle and love daily. I know Alfie is with me in memory and that's enough now. The rawness has most certainly subsided - however like Karma, grief come back to bite you on the as. Just when life is dotting along the bubble bursts and it all comes rushing back. Grief is hard enough without feeling judged about the way one copes and survives through it - see we really do need a manual - then no one would be offended or hurt, there is plenty enough of that being doled out by life in general.

Step 3 - find a way to survive it. This can change regularly, however it is easier to go with ones emotions (in my opinion) as opposed to bottling them up.
I am a talker and an obssesser - or as my mum would say 'a dog with a bone', hmmm wonder where that comes from mum?
When Alfie died I talked about him non stop, it was all I could do to make him seem real, otherwise those 9months didn't really happen. I realise I am a very open person and much prefer to deal with things head on, I always assume the best in people and think 'talking' can solve the worlds problems - well that's what I tell my school kids - how can I preach peace to them and not firmly believe negotiation is the best way forward. Duh, Clare you live in a naive idealistic world, you'd think by 40 I'd have sussed that one out!

 Step 4 - always always use any emotional situation to make you become a better person.

Although I over analyse everything - and hmm truthfully nothing sometimes I try to come up with a positive spin on situations, again a teaching ideology. How, can one become a better person if they don't improve and learn from their mistakes?  Of late I seem to be offending everyone with my ways of dealing with grief - so I am taking it all on board and adjusting accordingly. I will endeavor to be more sensitive to others feelings and emotions, I will not discuss my loss publicly, I have this blog to help me if I need to ponder on my wee man. The good thing is all these new realisations will help me and others, so that can't be a bad thing.


Last and final step (so far, as I'm sure I'll struggle and learn about how to cope with my loss for the rest of my days)
You can not quantify grief, nor can one type of loss be any worse or any better than another. 
Losing a person who is loved, wanted, cherished cared for is hard regardless of gestation of pregnancy, how many minutes the child lived, how many years you've rasied and nurtured your child or how many years you've loved and shared life with that person -  it is irrelevant the gaping massive hole they left is the same size and all the dealing/coping/surviving in the world ain't gonna ever fill it back up - that's the shitty reality.
How we deal with the reality of the loss is what makes it different and, as I said above we must all do what it takes to get through, whilst hopefully not hurting anyone in the process.



And so......I feel better after articulating all of that - I hope this helps others to understand my process of dealing with grief and helps them deal with theirs. Big love to all, xxxx

Only a day has passed and already I can see the benefit of being able to say this wee mans name every week. Bonus is he seems a nice wee boy, cheeky chappy but bright and kind, the things I would have wanted for my Alfie. That poor boy isn't ever going to know how significant he's been or will become in the process of learning to live without my child.
I spoke with some of of my wonderful sands mums tonight and the supportive, nutters at knitwits - in fact I say spoke hmmm actually cried for ages......we all agreed, one only ever learns to live without your child up to a point. After that it is just the harsh shitty painful reality of loss, nothing can fill the void. Life goes on, new babies come along (if your lucky), day to day life continues, you heal from the shock of the loss - the wide open raw pain, but then the longterm loss sets in, you know that it isn't going to get any better than this, its just a way of life to be dealt with, some days dealt with better than others. Yet, every day without fail I think of my boy - now more of what would have been, what kind of person he would be? It's hard to believe its been nearly 4 years since I've seen him, held him, smelt him.......... my mind plays tricks, some days he is seems like a vague dream I once had, others it feels like I saw him last week.
This time of year is forever my Alfie season, fall/autumn....summer fades and I start to re live the significant dates leading up to his death. I know his anniversary will be beautiful, a day filled with unadulterated thoughts of him - a liminal phase, where real life stops so I can give some time just to Alfie. It's the build up that sucks. My closest sands mums all lost their wee ones round about the same time of year, so we all start to feel fragile and vulnerable together, although I would never wish the pain of babyloss on anyone, I am truly grateful for these woman in my life, without whom my diffcult journey would have been lonely, with them it is filled with love, encouragement, support, genuine friendship - and not to forget the chance to talk freely about our wee ones without judgement or others morbid curiosity, or even worse the rolling of eyes speaking a million 'isn't she over it yet', or 'here she goes again  on about her depressing life'. Hell we even laugh and indulge ourselves every now and again - Dakota here we came ladies xxxx

Harsh - ouch!!!!

So, 1st day back and 1st lesson, 1st child I spoke to ......
Mrs Williams 'welcome to rmps everyone, hope all well and happy. Lets just go round saying our names so I can write down where you are all sitting. Let's start with you - points to small boy with lovely curly brown hair.
Small boy 'Alfie'...........
Mrs Williams mumbles 'oh, eh, that's a lovely name'.
Lovely wee Alfie with brown curly hair looks at me like I'm off my head!

Isn't is shitey enough that I had to go back to work and leave my babies, that my 'Alfie' stage of life is passing by. It was all i could do not to say, oh I had a wee boy called Alfie who died - I didn't want to pass it by, however I did, of course - poor child doesn't need to know that. He is the 1st child I've come into contact with, I've never met another Alfie, nor heard the name said - not in relation to my Alfie. It's gonna be tough saying it every week in class. I told the ladies in the staffroom and had a wee tear, I think they thought I was nuts.....Sands mums will get the significance of it I'm sure.

Other than that, it was cool. Kids were great, I'm shattered - but I remember now why I love teaching.
I also looked at the kids from a mums perspective for the 1st time. I had a rather odd, awkward wee man in one class, I felt my heart twinge as I saw him, thinking his mum must be wringing her hands at home worrying about him on his 1st day in the big school. Hopefully my new found compassion for the kids will help my teaching.....

end of an era

sitting at my desk eating lunch, no wee ones begging food or shouting at me wanting joo joo. shit its tough know its 2weeks till i come back and only for 3 days a week till Easter but it is v definitely the beginning of the end of my life as a ft mummy. so sad, fir some reason it is making me v sad about alfie boy, life moving so quickly - he time with me feels such a long time ago.also aware that ft work is with me now for the foreseeable future.....no more playground boob club Tuesday club, gonna miss my sands girls too much. life is tough. i think i'm mourning the loss of alfie again because the kids are no longer babies and we are having no more babies....no longer in a baby phase which will forever be connected to my 1st baby, who never got to grow up

a whole year....how life changes

Sadie darling opening her 1st bday card from GG

Eating her cake although she was mostly interested in the strawberries! hmmm she's been off her food all day, maybe finally teeth are on there way?

A lovely dolly from granma- we noticed a few weeks ago how much she is loving faces, she really responds and gets all giggly. She was v cute with her dollies - chatting away to them. Auntie Monica got her to dance , arms flying, bum shaking, much like her mummy. Sadie my love, when your older and you look back on this - know you and Airch are the best thing I've ever done - thank you for all the smiles, dribbly kisses and total adoration I recieve from you. Nothing beats or comes close to it. I think of your big brother on our special days and wonder what he would be doing in our wee life? in our picture? A wee hand missing from our plate today.....never far from mumas thoughts and always in her heart. One day when your all grown up muma will explain to you....... I feel sad and guilty that on your special days mumma has a wee tear for your brother, but know this never alters the love I have for you - in fact if anything it has made me love and appreciate you more, another gift from your big brother.So wee one, my mini Haha - you'll just have to put up with mums blue moments - it'll be out weighed by the enormous affection you receive constantly. xxxxx to all my babies earthside and otherwise

we are having a major malfunction re photos - Archie lost y sd card for my camera and my phone is so old I cant get my photos on to facebook to get onto C. So i've manged to get a few fro tagged fb photos.

Sadie looked absolutely adorable at the wedding as did Archie. His kilt outfit was a big hit! Sadies outfit was great I was up until midnight finishing the crochet on her bolero. I will try and get photos up soon.

Peggy aka PP was a flower girl and looked beautiful she had a lovely wee headband on made by her lovely mummy - made from loads of little cream buttons - must get one for Sadie. Big news round here is the prep for Sadies 1st bday. Bunting to make, doll to make, romper suit to make.......and on the day yummy scones cakes and mini sarnies to make. It is an emotional time coming towards her bday - I keep going back to how I felt last year at this time, still haven't looked at her baby baby photos.....time travels too fast. On that note - she is still teeny and has nae teeth! I showed a lovely friend Alfie's photo - the one I carry in my purse a few days ago, she'd never seen him as I met her after I lost him, quite recently actually. She cried - I've forgotten that people aren't used to photos of dead babies, its become so normal to me. This makes me sad and happy all at once. I cried when Gill cried - it made him real again - almost!

Been a while......

I've really missed writing our wee blog, but life has been hectic. Last weekend I went to Aberdeen to the SANDS Scottish network day, it was really interesting, The Child Bereavement charity did a presentation, it was fantastic.We met some great people and found some useful resources. The most exciting thing for me, is that I'm to be a media representative for sands in Scotland, I'll get some training - thank goodness. Finally I get to use my big gob and love of my own voice for something so worthwhile! On monday I did my parents story at the hospitals training that I had fought hard to be put in place - I stayed for the training and also found it interesting, I still think we can do a better job, more interactive and more use of bereaved parents, it was suggested we have a fathers story in the future. I asked Pug and to my surprise, he said he would do it.

My wee mini Haha is coming on as you can see she spends her time pulling herself up in furniture and then getting stuck and frustrated.....so I spend my days moving her around from chair to table to highchair etc. She does fit the wee converse....she did have 2 on today, she just managed to pull one off. She is so dinky - her lovely bows and anchors top is a 3-6 months and still long in the arms. Archie doodle is talking non-stop now, although I am still his main interpreter, he did spontaneously say 'i love you' last week - I had a tear, my beautiful babies. All this sands activity only makes me realise more just how blessed I am to have 2 adorable babies to care for, watch grow and love. My darling Alfie - missed and thought of daily, without him - we wouldn't be the family we are. Thank you my wee star xxx

at times like these

"It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life, and someone is missing." ....Elizabeth McCracken, An Exact Replica Of a Figment Of My Imagination

thoughts of Alfie

This weekend has been so lovely, however as usual on special days I am ever aware of my darling's absence. I think back to the 1st bday without him - how hideous it was. I got ready for work, got into the car with Anne said 'it's my bday.....blub blub blub', that bday was supposed to be my 1st as a mum, my 1st time getting a card signed by my son, I was never to have a card from Alfie - of course I have my 2 beautiful ones, but always at the cost of losing my 1st wee man. I looked over at all my lovely sands mums and their babies at my party and thought....I love those women, life would be hell without them. I also thought had I not lost Alfie what a very different party this would be - what a very different life this would be......think of you everyday my wee man - life without you is a strange journey, love and mummy kisses to my 1st baby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sands weekend

It's been over a week since I returned from my befriender training in glasgow. I have wanted to write about it, but the week has been hectic! just to finish off a crazy week - I've got a yucky bout of mastitis and Archie has a bad cold which has infected his wee eyes. Sad because we had planned a day out with the whole family for mothers day ( see another post on this)to an old steam railway. We went anyways -

Sadie eating as usual and the lovely wee Caitlin. I'm so ill at this point I have three jackets on and I was still freezing.

Sadie baby girl in the baggage rack - another of her dad's photos! I can assure you no child was harmed in the making off this photo - the train was still in the station on Woops, off on a tangent. Back to sands weekend. It was lovely to spend some time with Susan, however it was emotionally draining. We also had out friday night support meeting, where I met a new couple and was rushed back to that early place where grief is overwhelming and you are desperate for someone to help you find a way forward.......draining, however felt lovely helping the couple as I shed a tear on their behalf. Glasgow was interesting, the 1st day was a generic 'communication' workshop, it felt a little like a busmans holiday. ON the 2nd morning, Susan and I filled in the workbook at breakfast - I ended up crying, I realised my triggers a while ago and I felt able to release them.I now know if I discuss how Alfie's death affected my loved ones, I lose it. It's as though I've become immune to my own 'story' but not how painful it was for others. When I think of how hard it was for my mum and dad it kills me. The sunday workshop was very emotional for the other women, however I went into mode and felt nothing, other than empathy for the woman sharing her babies story with me. The outcome of the day for me was the desire to advocate on behalf of mums who've lost a during her next pregnancy and to help with the communication with the hospital. We also discussed the lack of support in parenting after loss, and we were encouraged to talk about our Tuesday club at the scottish network day. I wonder if we need to talk to national sands about what we can all do to help mums and dads with parenting.

Never forget him......

When Alfie died my nana, who is 89 came to see me. She had lost her 1st baby also a boy 64 years previously. She said 'you'll never forget him'. I remember thinking of course I'm not gonna forget him - I can't breathe without thinking about him, replaying everything in my mind a million times a day........ It is only 3 years later that I understand the enormity of what she was saying. I can honestly say that in 3 years and more not a single day has passed without me thinking about him - obviously I've no cried everyday, but at least once or not more he is in my thoughts - it's become normal now - I'm Clare who had a son that died.

Tuesday Club

When Alfie died I met a few other mums who had recently lost babies, these women have become central to my life - existence, without them I'd be a basket case.

Originally we all met for lunch once a week, however as our families grew and we evolved into a larger group we started to meet weekly in the park - the kids could run around, we could chat and it was free!

A few of us are on the committee of our local sands and decided there was a gap in the support we offer, so Ta da we started an official tuesday club.
It is very much in its infancy, we meet every tuesday in a local church hall and it is open to anyone who has lost a baby and is officially part of sands.......peer support, cuddles, help through parenting, help through anniversaries.
This wee club is something I am so proud of, I remember the 1st few months of being a mum to a live child, it was filled with wonder, love, bewilderment and fear, all exacerbated by the fact that I'd buried on baby already and let's face it I was terrified I'd have to do it again.
So, TC is my little haven, and a place i know i can help others find comfort and some 'normality'.
parenting when you have a lost a child is different and it's ok to say that, it's also ok to feel 'normal' parent feelings too........ but i'll deal with that later!