Xmas eve......Phew and relax.

Sadie's new stocking - made at 10.30pm on xmas eve #mustbementalxmasfever

Archie's antics

My wee man will be 3 soon and although he has always been full of character, he is just getting more and more amusing/entertaining - such good company.

Last friday we made cookies, painted and Oh yeah went for a walk to the park. I got the kids all bundled up in winter waterproofs and dragged them our for some fresh air. En route we did a little shopping, Archie was great in the shop, helped me and didn't run away! At the green man he did his usual and pressed the button, however it was a really busy road and I wanted him on the buggy board which meant he didn't get to wait for the button underneath to start turning, to which he commented "that's ridiculous!!!" - took all my mummy powers to stop me laughing. At the park we had a blast, both Archie and Sadie can now play pretty much independently at the playpark. Archie wanted to go for a walk to the bridge, so we had a slow walk round playing in the leaves and chatting, Sadie was in teh pram and hapiily shouting at every dog that went past. At the water garden/bridge Arch wanted to play in the stream - he was road testing his cool new wellies so I was ok with it, then he tried to go further - I hauled him back, next thing I know he is off - squealing an running through the reeds - I got the fright of my life, leapt over the barrier and ran through the reeds after him ( I had no idea how deep the water was......) I was up to my knees in muck - white converse and all, he was laughing so hard. Not for long, he was shoved on his buggy board and I squelched/marched my way home, him screaming the whole way "I want to go park" and eventually " I want to be good" (I caved at that point and gave him a cuddle). Got some funny looks as I squelched home with muddy feet and screaming child. To top the lot though, every fews days since he rbings me my now ruined cons and says "look, clean now mummy!" - cleaner than they were when I was knee deep in mud that's for sure.

In the said stream prior to entry.......

missing

When Alfie died I had the overwhelming desire for him, I remember repeatedly telling anyone who was prepared to listen, "i just want my baby". I was however, reluctant to say I missed him - because although I had carried him, I never felt I truly knew him. As with all babies - I talked to him and dreamt of our future, but as I never spent time with him earth side I didn't know him if you see what I mean, how can one miss someone they've never met? I felt odd when I read other babyloss mums writing about how much they miss their babies.
Lately I've been pondering  the word' missing', and a few nights ago in the middle of the night it came to me -after 4 years I realised I don't miss him, I miss what I had imagined as our future - he is however 'missing'.
Missing from my family, missing from our cosy mornings in bed, his birthday will be celebrated tomorrow and he won't be there - he'll be missing - forever missing from my life.
Which leads me to think, how can someone I never knew, someone I haven't heard cry, seen smile or heard shout mama have left such an enormous gap? After 4 years, I had thought I would have come to terms with his death, however if anything it has become harder. The raw grief has passed, but as every year passes I am a year further away from him, from his smell, his touch his softness. He is frozen in time and I guess a part of me has too. I am a fully functioning human, mother, wife,daughter sister, friend, teacher - however a teeniest part of me remains stuck- frozen back on the day they told me my 1st child was dead, nothing now will ever recover that time, its gone and its as if a part of me seems to have left with him.
I guess, the word missing is the closest word people have to describe the emptiness, the total lack one feels when they lose a baby. There doesn't seem to be suitable language  to describe the emotions one feels - as though losing a baby is so 'un -normal' its never warranted a word to describe it, instead we have to borrow language from other situations - hmmm now I know I'm not making sense and I'm sleep deprived.  People say 'I don't know what to say' - is it because we don't have the words to describe the awfulness of what has happened, or because as a society we've never needed them, because historically our babies weren't fullyfledged members of society and therefore one didn't need language to discuss something that simply didn't exist.
Last year on Alfie's anniversary  for the first time I felt an emptiness in the gestures we made to mark his special day. Those gestures seemed to emphasis the lack of him rather than celebrate him.
I listened to an interesting debate this week about babyloss and one of the panel, a psychatrist was discussing the lack of rituals surrounding babyloss. This idea resonated with me, it is so true - and the sad fact is that recognised rituals don't exist simply because society doesn't recognise our babies and therefore they don't require a specific ritual. We have to make our own rituals, which are recognised by other people who've lost a baby - these rituals appear macabre to anyone outside the group, and to be brutally frank I think that prior to Alfie's death I would have found the idea of a birthday cake for a dead child odd. We are, however forced into creating 'special' things to do, to validate our childs existence.
This week someone at work did the usual  "now you've got two wee ones to look after..." I am well aware of the beauty and awesomeness of Archie and Sadie - I don't need to be told that, and certainly not as a vehicle to avoid discussing the 'missing' child.

Hmmm on re reading this I realise I'm clearly feeling hostile - bracing myself for the overwhelming sadness that is to come.
Kisses to my darling boy xxx Mummy loves you whether you are missing or not

What is grass made of?

Archie asked me this the other day at silly o'clock while we were making cookies (the things you find yourself doing at 6am). I attempted to explain about seeds sun rain etc......his response "that's weird". When did my wee one become so grown up?
I know its great that he is so inquisitive already asking what things do and what they are for?  try explaining the point of fireworks to an almost  3 yrs old.....My current fave Archie asked chat is  "i really love you mummy" or the"i love you too" (before anyone tells him they love him) - i hear it easily 25 times a day an never tire of it.

My Haha can talk.......

Woke up this morning to Haha Shouting "i want daddy" so clear i thought it was a dream. She has been saying the odd word for a few months but its clear now to non-family.
Words so far.
Muma
Juju - juice
Bubas - i want boob fed.
Yes
No
Tata - dummy
Daddy
More
Ball
Daisy
Bunny
Dog.....ish.

So odd to hear such a teeny wee thing talking, specially because Archie doodle was well over 2 before he spoke. Sadie has only just started walking and still prefers to crawl, they done the opposite to one another. Shame they are with thrashers - Haha seems to be following her brother on that score, her long standing favourite is emptying the food cupboard-10 times a day. Hmm should put a lock on it, but that would spoil the fun

Halloween

We made our 1st pumpkin lanterns this year....
Archie loved it. However, for actual Halloween night Pug and I made an old school Scottish tumshy lantern. I reckon Pug was more excited about it than the kids, they do look more gnarly looking that's for sure.

If grief came with a manual.........

it would read - once box is opened, it can never be closed again.

Step one - How one deals with this fact is entirely personal. Some of us mourn publicly loudly for a long time - others quietly and quickly and then pick up the pieces and 'move on'.

When Alfie died, I was horrified at the idea that one day I would be one of those women whose life is consumed with loss. Who wears jewellery with their child's name around their neck, publicly announcing my child died(i opted for a more subtle bracelet with his tiny photo and a lock of his hair), I have a teeny teeny photo in our house which unless you looked carefully you'd never see.
I never wanted to deny my boy, however he is mines and lives in my heart - I don't need to look at his photo - nor wear a t-shirt that says 'angel mummy'.  I rarely put up a facebook status about Alfie, except on his anniversary and in babyloss week, I know that might seem cold in comparison to other mums who post constantly but I feel happy with my way.
That is not to say, those who do go down this route of mourning are any better or any worse than me - it's simply a means of survival and what works best for one.

Of late my life has been consumed by sands and hence I feel I have become one of those mums who lives and breathes bereavement, how did I get here?
I was the positive one, the one who wouldn't be defined by my loss - I wanted to be much more than that 'women who lost her baby'. I fear in some eyes that's what I've become - this is not the case, as such life goes in waves...right now I'm in a sands phase, which will hopefully settle and my other more 'normal' life will return,. By normal I mean my normal - because really what is normal? What the majority do? What my peers do? who the hell knows what to do when a baby dies, who the hell really knows what to do when anyone dies - whether expected or unexpected one is never prepared for the harsh stark reality of loss. The curse of the human condition.


Step two - it's a continual learning curve.
Every time I think I've got it nailed something else comes up! I dot along in my cosy bubble loving my children I hold in my arms and loving the child I hold in my heart. I am surrounded by other mums who've lost a baby and it has become second nature to 'chat' about our wee ones, both living and lost.......HOW on earth did I not realise that others just don't want to hear that? One forgets that my 'normal' isn't everyone else's - I always thought/hoped one of the positive things about losing Alfie was that it had made me a more compassionate person - yikes, maybe not. When did I become so self-absorbed I forgot about others feelings.....

Thing is, it doesn't consume me, I very rarely cry anymore ( maybe I should, rather than this once a year malarky, which is all consuming and exhausting), and never chat about him at work or with boob club mums. I no longer need to scream out 'I LOST MY BABY' quietly inside while others are chatting about their live children. This is partly due to time and my darlings who I can cuddle and love daily. I know Alfie is with me in memory and that's enough now. The rawness has most certainly subsided - however like Karma, grief come back to bite you on the as. Just when life is dotting along the bubble bursts and it all comes rushing back. Grief is hard enough without feeling judged about the way one copes and survives through it - see we really do need a manual - then no one would be offended or hurt, there is plenty enough of that being doled out by life in general.

Step 3 - find a way to survive it. This can change regularly, however it is easier to go with ones emotions (in my opinion) as opposed to bottling them up.
I am a talker and an obssesser - or as my mum would say 'a dog with a bone', hmmm wonder where that comes from mum?
When Alfie died I talked about him non stop, it was all I could do to make him seem real, otherwise those 9months didn't really happen. I realise I am a very open person and much prefer to deal with things head on, I always assume the best in people and think 'talking' can solve the worlds problems - well that's what I tell my school kids - how can I preach peace to them and not firmly believe negotiation is the best way forward. Duh, Clare you live in a naive idealistic world, you'd think by 40 I'd have sussed that one out!

 Step 4 - always always use any emotional situation to make you become a better person.

Although I over analyse everything - and hmm truthfully nothing sometimes I try to come up with a positive spin on situations, again a teaching ideology. How, can one become a better person if they don't improve and learn from their mistakes?  Of late I seem to be offending everyone with my ways of dealing with grief - so I am taking it all on board and adjusting accordingly. I will endeavor to be more sensitive to others feelings and emotions, I will not discuss my loss publicly, I have this blog to help me if I need to ponder on my wee man. The good thing is all these new realisations will help me and others, so that can't be a bad thing.


Last and final step (so far, as I'm sure I'll struggle and learn about how to cope with my loss for the rest of my days)
You can not quantify grief, nor can one type of loss be any worse or any better than another. 
Losing a person who is loved, wanted, cherished cared for is hard regardless of gestation of pregnancy, how many minutes the child lived, how many years you've rasied and nurtured your child or how many years you've loved and shared life with that person -  it is irrelevant the gaping massive hole they left is the same size and all the dealing/coping/surviving in the world ain't gonna ever fill it back up - that's the shitty reality.
How we deal with the reality of the loss is what makes it different and, as I said above we must all do what it takes to get through, whilst hopefully not hurting anyone in the process.



And so......I feel better after articulating all of that - I hope this helps others to understand my process of dealing with grief and helps them deal with theirs. Big love to all, xxxx