Our Alfie moto, Don't. cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Our Alfie moto, Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.Dr Seuss

Monday, 31 December 2012

struggling (again!, I hear you all collectively moan)

I've so missed blogging, at nights as I lay beside the weeones as the drift of into sleep next to me I write posts in my head - it helps me formulate my emotions and daily reflections.
So, for my own benefit I'm gonna try again to make a commitment to write weekly over the next year. Not sure what I want to focus on yet, probably my usual mish mash of nonsense.

As I sit alone, a new year approaching I am trying not to invest too much emotion in the time nor date. I've turned the tv off to avoid festivities. Pugs has been ill since he finished uni (Finished uni, yai one of the awesome events of the year, and one I am so proud of - he worked his ass off this last year, I spent many a family events minus my husband and way too many sat nights alone, while he worked away) - Momo has broken her Achilles, and mum and dad are out of action now.....so my usual hogmany companions are otherwise engaged this year.

As I consider myself an optimistic person, I find this current extreme blue phase out of character and tedious. To paraphrase Miss Golightly  the blues are bad, but we know why we are down - the mean reds are much worse, they suck....one feels down with no obvious explanation.
I have been swinging between the two for too long.

The struggle between, working fulltime, being a present, balanced and caring parent, wife, friend, daughter is not an easy one for me. My Dad's progress is very limited to say the least and is my prime concern and contribution to my blues.....gosh it is so difficult. I miss my dad, I miss my mum and watching their daily struggle is too painful. My tears so very close to the surface and  I find them slipping out more often than I feel comfortable with.

 My darling wee ones are the salvation - every day they fill me with joy and laughter, their banter is hysterical right now - I love their company and feel overwhelmed with love every morning when they snuggle into bed next to us.

And so to conclude - this year has been shit - no point pretending. That is not to say some lovely things have happened - but sadly my Dad's stroke and the repercussions of it  have overshadowed everything. As I attempt to maintain my optimistic nature I hope for a brighter future, however, even I can't seem to see a way through it..........other than to get used to our new way of life.

Struggle seems to have been my catchphrase of 2012 - I hope 2013 brings the opposite and our lives are filled with ease instead. So a weekly post celebrating the things I am grateful for might help bring some comfort........wish us luck xxx

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