222-226 first, lasts - everything inbetween

We have had a lovely week, with many first - the beginning of the lasts of the summer and a few everythings thrown in.


Sadie's been achieving many firsts - she has slept through the night in her own wee toddlers bed, had a number of  'dry' days and has survived her first day at nursery on her own. Quite a momentous week for a wee one.
Nursery is going great, we all really like it and I feel comfortable leaving the kids there. I took mum and dad on monday to visit. Nursery needs to meet any people who will potentially be picking the kids up, this is a big move for us. Not so long ago I was unsure whether mum and dad would ever be involved in the kids care. As I left the wee ones for the first time I felt myself welling up, not because of myself, but because as I turned to leave I realised my dad had gone back inside, he was leading Sadie out by the hand  he was confused and didn't understand she was staying. He did get it and let her go back in, on so many levels this made me emotional, primarily because he understood that she didn't ordinarily go to nursery but also because I knew he was the one usually watching her.

On a lighter note we went to visit at our lovely pals house on tuesday. The kids haven't been for ages and were really excited about visiting. Luckily it was a glorious day and most of it was spent in the garden.

Trampoline and water fights = happy kiddos.

We left with bags of stuff -as usual, I got 3 vintage dressing patterns, Archie a huge bag of clothes but best of all - TONS of Thomas track and buildings.....it has kept him and Pugs occupied ever since.

Madam was so happy from playing she just had to rest

My fave thing about the day was when I came to get her changed for bed, she had 2 pairs of pants on! you can see a wee sneaky glimpse here of a pair she had 'borrowed'  from one of the older kids.

As the days move on I am becoming aware of the lasts of the summer, in a weeks time I will be returning to work. On some levels I am looking forward to teaching again, I miss the banter with the kids and the intellectual stimulation of teaching the seniors - I am however, saddened that summer is already gone. I had wanted to do so much, we still haven't had a visit to Cragie's nor Pillars.
This time of year always makes me maudlin - as summer ends, fall begins and I move into Alfie time. This year I am going to give a talk at Sands AGM in Oct on the Tuesday club, it will be good to have a focus for him at this time of year.

Today was dads birthday. I am pretty sure he realised it was his day, Antony had been to visit already so when we also turned up with a cake and a song he seemed to have the routine down. It was a day of mixed emotion, on one level I am totally appreciative that my dad is alive and able to celebrate his birthday, however on another it is  gutting that he isn't his usual self. I spent an hour last night traipsing round our limited shopping options starckly aware of our further limitations given my dad can't do any of the things he would normally -  no point buying the failsafe novel (can't imagine ever chatting about the booker list again), he has lost his passion for music - what the hell else is left! I just got him some beers and sweeties, at least I know he will get some pleasure from them.

Made two dresses thsi week, ran 15K, baked, finished a pickles vest and made a bigger dent in the epic crocheted blanket.

216-221 raw is the way??? Hmm

Having had such an awesome time away with Antony and Kirsty and eating such lovely 'raw' food I thought I might give it a go. I have been trying to lose weight forever - I have succeeded since Sadie was born, up to a point. I seem to be stuck, I have been running as often as I can and I cut out carbs in my eve meal over a year ago.  Pug has been suffering hellish headaches for ages and is working so hard at uni, this coupled with the recent stress we have all been under I figure both Pug and I could do with a wee boost.

It has been a long hard week, I was bloody starving for the first few days. Pug is still miserable. I discovered that A. I need to be super organised and B. I must never miss a meal. Today I made

Raw brownies - awesome so yummy!!! and nae cooking.

One of the things I've been missing is crackers. (I solved the latte issue by using Coconut milk). So I made these

Happy crackers = Happy Clare

The other big news is that I went to see Pugs play in his first Scottish gig - I hear him play on a daily basis.....sometimes too often! Punk Pug is not my fave one or so I thought. When we first met Pugs played acoustic guitar, he was really into flamenco and Django Reinhardt, a far cry from Black Flag!
Anyhoo, I LOVED it, he was awesome - I was buzzing and I loved the music, must have seeped in subliminally over the last few months.

No bad for an old bloke!

My dad is making slow progress - I can see tiny tiny steps, although it is a case of one day at a time. I had lunch with him last week and I looked over at him adn almost burst into tears - where has my dad gone? I know he is in there but its a long way in and I am exhausted waiting for him, so god knows how my mum is coping.


The kids and I have had a fun week, we swam, walked, ran, made stuff, put up our new world map on the wall and on sat we went to a family fun day to raise money for Sands, run by pals of ours. It was such a lovely day and felt great to be surrounded by so many Sands parents all with babies and kids all in a good place.

My sewing has taken a back seat and I'm missing it, so tonight I cut out a skirt and a dress......so excited to make up and add to my now rapidly growing wardrobe.

Archie said something awesome tonight and I've bloody forgotten what it was, DUH! I must write things asap or my old tired brain forgets - Hmm the whole purpose of this blog.

169-70 the week that lasted forever

Phew, can't believe its only been a week since I last watched some decent tv. I feel like this week has gone on and on and on - Haven't seen dad since Tue as I have a yucky cold and don't want him to catch it. Missing him and Mum.
I have consumed my own body weight in chocolate and carbs this week (hormonal) and I had that meeting at work yesterday (forgot to mention last weeks was cancelled). On the plus side I did manage to run 15K over the week, 7 of them this morning (my longest so far, reckon I'll manage a 10K in sept).
Hoping the run will balance out the batch of these awesome cookies I just made and will probably consume by mon am - back to dietsville I go.

 Meeting was exhausting, I cried the whole way through (certainly not my plan for it!), they seem open if not happy about my reduction in hours, glad I had my union rep with me as he told me I am eligible to reduce my hours for 2 years without losing my ft permanent status, which would be great - hopefully by the with Archie at school and Sadie in nursery it might not be so hectic. Bummer is the childminder I found has now decided to give it up so back to square one then.

No more news re dad coming home other than mum getting the house looked over to see if there are any potential hazards.

Archie and I had one of those conversations today that goes on for hours - clearly means a lot to him and is stuck in his head. We have our annual balloon release for sands tomorrow and I was explaining it to him. He knows about Alfie, we have a wee photo of him on our bedroom dresser and his memory box is next to the bed (the kids look through it occasionally).so it was unexpected today when he go really sad about not having his brother - he asked at least say 50 time show Alfie died, what dead is. I explained about the hypercoiled cord - not sure he got it, he seemed to understand. Tonight we cut up 6 punnets of strawberries to take with us for the picnic and he said these can be Alfie's ones - that will cheer him up. He seems to think Alfie is worried - poor wee guy just doesn't get it. I reassured him we were happy and didn't get sad anymore about Alfie, we just like to remember him on special days - Archie suggested we bake him a cake, maybe we will........that could be our Alfie thing to do and we all love cake.
Bracing myself for a whole Alfie day the morn, Pugs is working so its just me and the wee ones and too many ballooons to release.

29-365 Happy green fingers

Horticultural Happiness

Archie and I had an adorable we moment this weekend where I caught him chatting to our orchid, He was holding it in his arms saying 'I'll make you happy, don't worry I know what to do'. He asked me if we could give it some juice to make it feel better and that it was thirsty. So we watered the orchid, he still wasn't happy - I then realised he had expected the stem and flower to be upright, he had thought because it was growing out the way it was unhappy. We had a lovely discussion about different plants and he seemed happy to just have a wee chat to the orchid to make it happy.

That orchid was given to me as a pressie from my cousin Kirsty when Archie was born, it has been great - although it doesn't get the best of care or attention it still powers on. It has been in every room in the house and appears to be quite versatile and not opposed to change or transition (unlike us, I'm hopeless at it - and Archie doesn't even like my new toenails) - I hope to have that Orchid for a long time it appears to want to hang around too. I also hope it brings Archie and I many more wee chats, his questions, interest and general Joie de vivre is a constant reminder of how special and precious our wee family  is. Even a simple morning at home can be filled with moments of joy. Another reason to thank my wonderful kiddos for reminding me how awesome life is. After a 'sands' weekend I feel filled with thoughts of my darling Alfie, adn yet I know now I would never change the way things are,  I consider my two earthside babies a gift to us from their big brother, without him they wouldn't be here and how could I contemplate a life without them? I must accept that things are as they are meant to be, after 4 years of my new life I can't say it is worse than life before Alfie. I do feel overwhelming sadness when I think of the pain and shock we all suffered, of the guilt I felt when seeing my loved ones pain - it has been worth it! Without Alfie I would be less of a person and I would rather have known him as I did than never experienced him at all. I do think it has brought us closer, made us all stronger and for that I thank him - he has filled my life with many gifts.

Not to be outdone, my darling Mini Haha, her chat gets better every day too. Look at that sheer delight on her wee face......x

23-365 tears of happiness

I was planning on writing a post tonight about my amazing friends at Sands as we had a meeting tonight. However, after the meeting blethering in the cold instead of going home....mum said oh when did you lose Alfie's hair (for those of you who don't know I had a beautiful bracelet made when Alfie died, it had a teeny piece of his hair sandwiched between glass in a charm - among others), I told her I lost it on his 4th anniversary just past - She took it out her purse, Sadie had found it on the floor of the church last Sunday. I couldn't believe it, what 8 weeks or more later and she just happened to be crawling around in the same spot I was standing during his mass. Tears of joy and happiness flowed, I thought it was gone forever and had resigned myself to never seeing it again.  It was lovely to hold it again. On reflection, I was happy to see it is obviously a sign of how far I've come - I remember sending his hair off to New York for them to make it, crying in the post office terrified it would get lost in the mail, 4 years later i lose it and although I was sad - it was somehow almost fitting that I lost it on his anniversary and was just another part of him slipping away.......now its back and safe in a drawer, I may well get it remade for his anniversary this year.
Still can't get over that fact that Sadie found it, weird huh?

Only a day has passed and already I can see the benefit of being able to say this wee mans name every week. Bonus is he seems a nice wee boy, cheeky chappy but bright and kind, the things I would have wanted for my Alfie. That poor boy isn't ever going to know how significant he's been or will become in the process of learning to live without my child.
I spoke with some of of my wonderful sands mums tonight and the supportive, nutters at knitwits - in fact I say spoke hmmm actually cried for ages......we all agreed, one only ever learns to live without your child up to a point. After that it is just the harsh shitty painful reality of loss, nothing can fill the void. Life goes on, new babies come along (if your lucky), day to day life continues, you heal from the shock of the loss - the wide open raw pain, but then the longterm loss sets in, you know that it isn't going to get any better than this, its just a way of life to be dealt with, some days dealt with better than others. Yet, every day without fail I think of my boy - now more of what would have been, what kind of person he would be? It's hard to believe its been nearly 4 years since I've seen him, held him, smelt him.......... my mind plays tricks, some days he is seems like a vague dream I once had, others it feels like I saw him last week.
This time of year is forever my Alfie season, fall/autumn....summer fades and I start to re live the significant dates leading up to his death. I know his anniversary will be beautiful, a day filled with unadulterated thoughts of him - a liminal phase, where real life stops so I can give some time just to Alfie. It's the build up that sucks. My closest sands mums all lost their wee ones round about the same time of year, so we all start to feel fragile and vulnerable together, although I would never wish the pain of babyloss on anyone, I am truly grateful for these woman in my life, without whom my diffcult journey would have been lonely, with them it is filled with love, encouragement, support, genuine friendship - and not to forget the chance to talk freely about our wee ones without judgement or others morbid curiosity, or even worse the rolling of eyes speaking a million 'isn't she over it yet', or 'here she goes again  on about her depressing life'. Hell we even laugh and indulge ourselves every now and again - Dakota here we came ladies xxxx

Harsh - ouch!!!!

So, 1st day back and 1st lesson, 1st child I spoke to ......
Mrs Williams 'welcome to rmps everyone, hope all well and happy. Lets just go round saying our names so I can write down where you are all sitting. Let's start with you - points to small boy with lovely curly brown hair.
Small boy 'Alfie'...........
Mrs Williams mumbles 'oh, eh, that's a lovely name'.
Lovely wee Alfie with brown curly hair looks at me like I'm off my head!

Isn't is shitey enough that I had to go back to work and leave my babies, that my 'Alfie' stage of life is passing by. It was all i could do not to say, oh I had a wee boy called Alfie who died - I didn't want to pass it by, however I did, of course - poor child doesn't need to know that. He is the 1st child I've come into contact with, I've never met another Alfie, nor heard the name said - not in relation to my Alfie. It's gonna be tough saying it every week in class. I told the ladies in the staffroom and had a wee tear, I think they thought I was nuts.....Sands mums will get the significance of it I'm sure.

Other than that, it was cool. Kids were great, I'm shattered - but I remember now why I love teaching.
I also looked at the kids from a mums perspective for the 1st time. I had a rather odd, awkward wee man in one class, I felt my heart twinge as I saw him, thinking his mum must be wringing her hands at home worrying about him on his 1st day in the big school. Hopefully my new found compassion for the kids will help my teaching.....

end of an era

sitting at my desk eating lunch, no wee ones begging food or shouting at me wanting joo joo. shit its tough know its 2weeks till i come back and only for 3 days a week till Easter but it is v definitely the beginning of the end of my life as a ft mummy. so sad, fir some reason it is making me v sad about alfie boy, life moving so quickly - he time with me feels such a long time ago.also aware that ft work is with me now for the foreseeable future.....no more playground boob club Tuesday club, gonna miss my sands girls too much. life is tough. i think i'm mourning the loss of alfie again because the kids are no longer babies and we are having no more babies....no longer in a baby phase which will forever be connected to my 1st baby, who never got to grow up

Meeting Mr Brown

No photo as yet, hoping to get one from the local paper. Pug, myself and the kids all went to sainsburys on friday to collect a cheque on behalf of sands. I wasn't that fussed until the night before when Pug said he wanted to come too and that we were meeting an ex world leader. In the US you'd never get that close to an expresident - so off we all trotted on friday morning. I had expected a quick hand over of the gigantic cheque and a wee photo, but no. Mr Brown came and sat with us and 2 other charities for a wee blether. He was quite genuine and was adorable with Sadie, who loved him and giggled and flirted outrageously. The photographer took a ton of photos, but none in todays paper - I had hoped we'd be in. It seems great for sands - and more importantly for newly bereaved mums to see a mum who has gone on to have live happy babies. SO if nothing comes of it, i'll send a photo and wee blurb to the weekly local paper. I did tell Mr Brown about Alfie and as his wee girl Jennifer died in forth park also I felt some kind of mutual understanding, i suppose. Archie spent the whole time saying 'hello gordon'....very cute and a big hit too. Bummer we never won the pitch though - the othr 2 charities both have paid employees - i wished i'd remembered ot say we were all bereaved volunteers - next time. Felt proud to be meeting him and for the kids, and I did tell him with out their big brother we wouldn't be there - without there big brother we'd be at a very different place today - thank you my darling wee man for all the good things you've given us my shining star xxx

at times like these

"It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life, and someone is missing." ....Elizabeth McCracken, An Exact Replica Of a Figment Of My Imagination

thoughts of Alfie

This weekend has been so lovely, however as usual on special days I am ever aware of my darling's absence. I think back to the 1st bday without him - how hideous it was. I got ready for work, got into the car with Anne said 'it's my bday.....blub blub blub', that bday was supposed to be my 1st as a mum, my 1st time getting a card signed by my son, I was never to have a card from Alfie - of course I have my 2 beautiful ones, but always at the cost of losing my 1st wee man. I looked over at all my lovely sands mums and their babies at my party and thought....I love those women, life would be hell without them. I also thought had I not lost Alfie what a very different party this would be - what a very different life this would be......think of you everyday my wee man - life without you is a strange journey, love and mummy kisses to my 1st baby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday Club

When Alfie died I met a few other mums who had recently lost babies, these women have become central to my life - existence, without them I'd be a basket case.

Originally we all met for lunch once a week, however as our families grew and we evolved into a larger group we started to meet weekly in the park - the kids could run around, we could chat and it was free!

A few of us are on the committee of our local sands and decided there was a gap in the support we offer, so Ta da we started an official tuesday club.
It is very much in its infancy, we meet every tuesday in a local church hall and it is open to anyone who has lost a baby and is officially part of sands.......peer support, cuddles, help through parenting, help through anniversaries.
This wee club is something I am so proud of, I remember the 1st few months of being a mum to a live child, it was filled with wonder, love, bewilderment and fear, all exacerbated by the fact that I'd buried on baby already and let's face it I was terrified I'd have to do it again.
So, TC is my little haven, and a place i know i can help others find comfort and some 'normality'.
parenting when you have a lost a child is different and it's ok to say that, it's also ok to feel 'normal' parent feelings too........ but i'll deal with that later!