229-230 calm after another storm

This is what I needed, actually it is what we both needed. Archie in his 'natural' habitat.

After Sunday's emotional eve and another hellish bedtime drama, both Archie and I were shattered and tense on monday morning - Yikes, not a good combo.
We went as has been our holiday routine to just kiddin - an ideal place for the kids to run around and for me to try and grab a cuppa and a blether with pals. Oh no, not today. Archie was nip nip nippy from getting up and by the time we reached JK he was high hyper hypedog! I caught him pushing a wee girl over on the bouncy castle, he got a row and was told to apologise - at which point some otehr mother said he'd been hitting two other kids. Phew, I should have read the signs and left- but no, overtired and tense I gave him a wee cuddle talked about behaving well and then stupidly encouraged him to go chase Oliver on the play structure, he went belting off and pushed his way past all the other kids, I could see he was grabbing Sadie to get her out the way and was enroute to try and diffuse sitch, when some woman shouted to one of the employees - "sort it out, that he's bullying all the other" bairns! Oh Oh Lady, you picked the wrong mum on the wrong day - It's his sister I'll deal with it......I then took Archie away - well grabbed him by arm and frogmarched him past all other tables of glaring mums (that is the response they wanted isn't it? I really wanted to hug him and say what's up wee man, how come your being so mean - its no like you), I shouted at the woman 'I think bullying is taking it a bit far' so not like me to be confrontational, but hackles up and hating anyone saying that about my boy I couldn't stop myself. I am the first to admit he is a wee nutter, he gets hugely overexcited and when tired can be nothing short of annoying, however Bullying at 3yrs old come one, he was pushing other kids not holding them up in a corner and punching them...... I cried when I got to my folks house, i hated my reaction to her and I hated that I let Archie down and didn't read the signs.....

So, today my wonderful pal Susan bundled us all in her car and drove us to Bee craigs country park - one word awesome.

The kids loved it, I loved it - fresh air, woods, water an amazing playground, picnics good chat and crochet in the car, BLISS.

Thanks Susan, your a star - xxx

Archie and I had a fascinating chat this am about where Alfie's skin was. He has obviously been thinking about it and made the connection that if he is dead an no longer here then his body must be somewhere. I explained to him about Alfie being buried, I take him to the grave regularly to leave flowers and tidy up but I have never explained in detail about Alfie's body......to be truthful it is something I struggled with initially. I can handle the dry bones idea - which is what I told Archie, however I do struggle with the decomp stage. For a long time I couldn't settle when there knowing he was underneath me......as I say the bones don't freak me out, so I am much easier with it now.
Archie seemed to be ok with our chat, poor guy I wonder how much time he spends dwelling on it and whether he is bothered by it or not, he seems pretty matter of fact about it all  - wish I could say the same.

29-365 Happy green fingers

Horticultural Happiness

Archie and I had an adorable we moment this weekend where I caught him chatting to our orchid, He was holding it in his arms saying 'I'll make you happy, don't worry I know what to do'. He asked me if we could give it some juice to make it feel better and that it was thirsty. So we watered the orchid, he still wasn't happy - I then realised he had expected the stem and flower to be upright, he had thought because it was growing out the way it was unhappy. We had a lovely discussion about different plants and he seemed happy to just have a wee chat to the orchid to make it happy.

That orchid was given to me as a pressie from my cousin Kirsty when Archie was born, it has been great - although it doesn't get the best of care or attention it still powers on. It has been in every room in the house and appears to be quite versatile and not opposed to change or transition (unlike us, I'm hopeless at it - and Archie doesn't even like my new toenails) - I hope to have that Orchid for a long time it appears to want to hang around too. I also hope it brings Archie and I many more wee chats, his questions, interest and general Joie de vivre is a constant reminder of how special and precious our wee family  is. Even a simple morning at home can be filled with moments of joy. Another reason to thank my wonderful kiddos for reminding me how awesome life is. After a 'sands' weekend I feel filled with thoughts of my darling Alfie, adn yet I know now I would never change the way things are,  I consider my two earthside babies a gift to us from their big brother, without him they wouldn't be here and how could I contemplate a life without them? I must accept that things are as they are meant to be, after 4 years of my new life I can't say it is worse than life before Alfie. I do feel overwhelming sadness when I think of the pain and shock we all suffered, of the guilt I felt when seeing my loved ones pain - it has been worth it! Without Alfie I would be less of a person and I would rather have known him as I did than never experienced him at all. I do think it has brought us closer, made us all stronger and for that I thank him - he has filled my life with many gifts.

Not to be outdone, my darling Mini Haha, her chat gets better every day too. Look at that sheer delight on her wee face......x

19-365 another happy first

You've no idea how many photos I had to take just to get one half decent one, at least he agreed to stand still for a few seconds.
His 1st day at the nursery with the roof was ok, neither Archie nor I seemed as excited about it. I think yesterdays Secret Garden 1st was so awesome nothing would have come close today. I also think the wee man was a bit burnt out and would happily have stayed home all day. I am, however happy that I got to take him today.

I also managed a few hours of borgen and crocheting a scarf for myself, I actually started the scarf last night knitted 10inches and thought its too wide so it was ripped out and started again tonight

Ooooops almost forgot the run, Sadie and I made it to the park, I ran a little on the way, stormed round in record time - ran down the hill and then stomped home - all in sleet, rain and wind! better be worth it......

a day of 1sts

Archie's first day at playgroup.....he loved it. Was up at 6.30am asking 'i go playgroup mummy', no bad considering he's had a yucky cold and been wabbit. He ran in and didn't look back. He stood up when his name was called for register and he gave his news 'mummy go coffee' - he got a clap and was apparently very proud of himself.

Sadie and I had 2 hours to ourselves, so what else ca a girl do but shop! Sadie got her 1st real shoes, they are called Ida Delilah, how cute are they???? Just chuffed we didn't have to go for pink. Not sure if the photo shows it well enough, but they are a lovely strong purple colour.

When we finished shopping we went to pick doodle up, I sneaked a look through the window, he was happily putting his 'red pinny' for painting away. He came to meet us in the cafe, covered in blue paint - apparently Adele had to chase him round the room, she said he was loving it and you'd never know it was his 1st day.....not sure whether i should be pleased about him more than happily trotting off with out me or not. It was lovely to shop without being shouted at, and to have some lovely girls time with Sadie x

lists

Things I've learnt while on maternity leave.
1. Sleep when you can.
2. Time moves too too quickly.
3. How to bake, cakes, cookies, meringues.
4. How to make Jam, strawberry and raspberry.
5. How to sew, beautiful dresses for Sadie and recently cool trousers for Archie - photos to follow.
6. How to multi-task. 
7. How important the woman are in my life, Sands mums, knitwits, boob clubs mums, my mum and Auntie Momo - all helped, supported and made this last year a great journey - helping me learn how to be a mum, thanks xxx
8. Life is beautiful.
My favourite Sadie things 
1. She takes her tata out her mouth, puts it in mine and then helps herself to a boob feed.
2. She makes a funny face on cue.
3. Her nonplussed face when she stands and we all get excited.
4. when she puts her arms infront of her and cozzies in for a cuddle.
5. How she pulls her brothers curls.
6. The cheeky smile when she knows she isn't meant to go into the kitchen cupboard, but does it anyway.
7. Her first few words, Mama, Dada, tata and Ta.
8. Maude getting a Kissey face in the morning and a pat on the back. 
My favourite Archie things
  1. 'Mummys leetil baby' 
2. Say mama Haha, say dada Haha.
3. Sleeping in his teepee instead of his bed, with 'mummy's blankie' - our old mattress protecter.
4. 'What you dooie?' 
5. 'Where that car goey?' 
6. That he strokes his arms to help soothe himself to sleep - but would rather stroke mine.
7. His sheer delight when he sees me, although his delight in sitting on me as opposed to a chair has resulted in many bruises.
8. A wee 'boob' feed before bed while fighting with sister over which boob is whose!

I return to work tomorrow and clearly feel the need to record these moments.....I worry I'll lose touch with my lovelies, leaving them - I know they'll be with there dad or grandmama and granda, but it's not ME!
Finally my darling Alfie boy, each transition into a 'new phase' takes me a step further away from you wee man. 4years is a long time darling, lots has happened and all down to you. Four years ago at this time mummy was so excited about starting her new job, getting ready for you coming - a world full fo possibilties. Little did I know what a different outcome we would have, not raising you was never one of those possibitlies. In a different world I would be taking you to Nursery tomorrow, instead I dream of  what you would have been.............................sweet dreams to all my loves xxx

I won!

I never win anything, so was v excited when I read I had won the choice of 2 lovely patterns from Little lizard king designs. I chose the one above and this one

If your reading this Helen, these are the two I was telling you to hold off for. Talking of lovely Helen, I made her wee one Eilidh a wee birthday outfit. I used the same fabric for the outer as Sadie's - the Michael Miller mushrooms, but chose a lovely plae blue with pink spots for the inner and wee trews. I hope you all agree she is adorable

I must post a pic of Sadie in the same outfit. I used the pattern

I made it a but bigger for Eilidh.....hope it will last longer that way. I'm thinking of selling some fo my outfits, not sure how I feel about it yet or where i will find the time! I'll see how much interest there is in them then I'll decide. As a footnote, I've been meaning to write for ages re Airch's potty or not, training. We are having lots of fun emptying it, and learning to wash our hands and dry them. The best bit though is his choice of potty! so far we have had, the potty,one of my shoes, a tupperware box, a plastic drinking cup, Thomas the tank engine ride on (his fave next too the potty, he calls it his train potty), my dads garden hose, my friends (the lovely Kirsty) hose for her dyson hoover, chicco stacking cups, I may add he does it all standing 'like grandad' so quite a good aim for a wee man!

Meeting Mr Brown

No photo as yet, hoping to get one from the local paper. Pug, myself and the kids all went to sainsburys on friday to collect a cheque on behalf of sands. I wasn't that fussed until the night before when Pug said he wanted to come too and that we were meeting an ex world leader. In the US you'd never get that close to an expresident - so off we all trotted on friday morning. I had expected a quick hand over of the gigantic cheque and a wee photo, but no. Mr Brown came and sat with us and 2 other charities for a wee blether. He was quite genuine and was adorable with Sadie, who loved him and giggled and flirted outrageously. The photographer took a ton of photos, but none in todays paper - I had hoped we'd be in. It seems great for sands - and more importantly for newly bereaved mums to see a mum who has gone on to have live happy babies. SO if nothing comes of it, i'll send a photo and wee blurb to the weekly local paper. I did tell Mr Brown about Alfie and as his wee girl Jennifer died in forth park also I felt some kind of mutual understanding, i suppose. Archie spent the whole time saying 'hello gordon'....very cute and a big hit too. Bummer we never won the pitch though - the othr 2 charities both have paid employees - i wished i'd remembered ot say we were all bereaved volunteers - next time. Felt proud to be meeting him and for the kids, and I did tell him with out their big brother we wouldn't be there - without there big brother we'd be at a very different place today - thank you my darling wee man for all the good things you've given us my shining star xxx

9/10th the big move....

Miss P is wearing her amazing springtime Molo onsie, I bought this for Archie and loved it so much had to hang on to it.

We are living with grandma and grandad for a week or so while our housing is being done - we had a leak in the roof and our bedrooms were water damaged - so thank you insurance co, total redecoration gratis (o yeah, I pay premiums every month, so technically not free).

This is the wallpaper for our bedroom, V excited about it.

Madam is wearing a v cute wee frock by Me Too that grandma bought her, with the perfect matching leggings from boots. Finding it hard to take decent photos now that she is on the move. Yesterday she climbed the stairs at grandmas.......yikes, I think she's gonna be like her brother. Oh yeah and she's minging all the time. On the subject of brother, he is having loads of fun at grandma and grandads, however he 'no likey this bed' and 'wants sleep grandas bed'.

tough one, it's a ben and jerry's night

Today was hard, Archie is going through some weird phase - he is tired a lot and it's making him cranky. He's quite hard work as it is, and Miss P isn't sleeping more than 3 hrs in a row (since she was born 7 months ago). it's one of the times where I would turn to my sands mums for support - only they can understand that having lost a child one still becomes exhausted being a parent - of course I wouldn't change it for the world, however as a 'lost' parent am I not meant to appreciate every minute????? Bollox I'm only human, I have the right to feel as all parents feel, surely I'm not to be robbed of that too??? However, as all parents feel guilt is ours worse? who will ever know. Tuesday club my solace, was hellish today because Archie was soooo tired, he is such a handful I couldn't blether to the girls and I worry that he'll never 'behave'. Just have to enjoy the B&J's, relax and start again tomorrow. He is the most adorable, loving wee man - just a tad hyper when in company LOL x