116- tv heaven

What a peaceful day in comparison to yesterday's emotional minefield.

Archie's photos for Granda, I told him today Dad was in hospital and very tired and had a sore head -he suggested maybe some medicine - if only my wee man xxx

Sadie slept most of the morning and I managed to make 2 pairs of trousers, 1 funky beach bum striped linen for Archie and one cute drawstring waist CND sign flowery ones for wee Mabel - hope they fit her, they are too cute. I made them from the left over of Peggy's Xmas present Hoodie - they could be matchy matchy if mum and dad are so inclined? It was so nice to lose myself in the process of sewing - the hum of the machine and focus required helps me zone out. It also feels great to produce something creative and useful.

Sadie and I had a quiet lunch and then the hospital rounds begin.....
Dad was in good form today, he smiled a lot, was mainly awake and seemed to be aware of most things although it is so hard to tell......so we conducted a wee experiment.
I took a black marker and we wrote down, can you read this? to which he responded by his usual nod....then we thought he may be nodding to anything, so as our control we needed something we knew the answer to - for anyone who knows my dad well, they will know he pretty much doesn't like cooked veg, he can tolerate a carrot and the on going joke in the family is that he eats 1 sprout, a token gesture although he doesn't enjoy it much. So I wrote down  do you want a Brussel sprout? - he nodded, then after a few seconds he grimaced, poor guy I think he understood eventually, however as I write this  I realise he was probably thinking how surreal - why the hell are they asking me if I want a sprout, they know I hate them.......Yikes, when he gets better he is gonna be pissed of wi us.

He managed to walk the ward corridor with the  help of the physio's and he is muttering more, he did say Antony tonight, although it wasn't clear. His infected arm is looking pretty rough, and he is in pain - he keeps showing it to us, hopefully the anti-b's will work soon. We left him watching the champions league on his wee portable flatscreen TV HEAVEN, the morn he is getting my DAB radio, plus he has his ipod - life of luxury on that ward.

I am becoming more accustomed to our life at present, I miss my dad and I miss my mum, she is occupied with maintaining her own mental health and being strong for dad so they are both inaccessible right now, for the 1st time in my life I'm in a crisis without either of my natural supports - I do feel rudderless...I know I have Pugs, and he is being awesome about putting kids to bed every night and picking  up round the house  while I go to eve visiting, but he is absorbed in his Finals - which are on Monday.
I feel my life is in a vacuum - very similar to when Alfie died, I exist from day to day, I only go out to nursery, the hospital or a quick nip to the shops, thank goodness for the running - I've run every night en route to the hospital, the staff are laughing at my braw legs in shorts!

Don't mean to sound woe is me, I actually am finding some peace in the quiet routine of our new temporary life. I just want to feel secure enough to relax and not flinch everytime I see my mums name come up on the mobile. I know she flinches everytime her house phone goes, can't imagine how hellish she feels.

Lovely to see them both having a wee cuddle the night, true soul mates, inspiring as always.
How amazing after all these years that they are still going strong, I remembered this afternoon that after my dad retired and mum was still working he bought flowers, croissant and bubbly for her coming home on the half day at end of term to celebrate the beginning of the holidays 'what a guy dad!' your responsible for me having such high expectations in my husband ( and rightly so).

Love youse xxx

90-366 Peggy's happy birthday frock

The 'Annie' frock

Peggy was 3 today, she is such a wee smasher. We had a lovely day, train ride, swimming, picnic and train ride home. During our goodbye cuddle and kiss she said she need an Annie coat and scarf......not sure what she means, so I've said I'll watch it with her and I'll take costume notes (echoes of my previous incarnation as a stage manager). Hopefully I can post a pic of her in it.

The dress wasn't too bad to put together I used a bought pattern as the base and altered the waist sash, made a collar (the difficult bit, which I'm not that happy with - good learning experience tho).

My fave thing about it is that when Sadie saw this morning she said 'santa', too cute that girl.

77-366 happy baking madness

 These may look like homemade kids cookies - BUT I can assure they taste like homemade Adult cookies. They are a firm favourite, however they are so labour intensive and calorific they have to be a special treat. What better treat than for my lovely mum. They are peanut butter shortbread with salted caramel and peanut filling and chocolate and homemade peanut brittle to top it all off.  One at a time is the max anyone can manage........saving my own one for mum's day the morn. I also made a batch for Momo.
Must be in a baking mood after yesterday's chocolate cake and Ant's Peanut butter Blondie - better get my ass out running the morns night.

 The red pinny I made last sat, I had to make some adjustments, it was way too bog int eh back so I took a wee cheats pleat in it. Learning curve, just have to keep trying. I think Madam Haha looks pretty cute in it.

How teeny she is, walking down the path home.......not such a little girl anymore, just a teeny one.

60-366 that wednesday feeling, yai it is my weekend

This is my long term plan for this year, I want to make an adult size ripple blanket for mum, my brother (bday pressie) and myself. HUGE project, but I am hoping to take it slow and get them done without pressure. The plan is to start mums 1st and use cotton, see how that goes and then adjust if needed.
I have also however to make a blanket each for the kids and all the other usual day to day sewing and knitting. I'm still working on the purple retro jumper, I have a mustard wee wrap top to sew up for new baby, a circular cushion to finish for mum and I want to make another 'crepe' dress for myself and a few pinnies for Haha for the spring...yikes I've just remembered I am going to make Peggy her Annie dress. Phew - glad we've got a 2 week holiday on the horizon.
XXXXX

lists

Things I've learnt while on maternity leave.
1. Sleep when you can.
2. Time moves too too quickly.
3. How to bake, cakes, cookies, meringues.
4. How to make Jam, strawberry and raspberry.
5. How to sew, beautiful dresses for Sadie and recently cool trousers for Archie - photos to follow.
6. How to multi-task. 
7. How important the woman are in my life, Sands mums, knitwits, boob clubs mums, my mum and Auntie Momo - all helped, supported and made this last year a great journey - helping me learn how to be a mum, thanks xxx
8. Life is beautiful.
My favourite Sadie things 
1. She takes her tata out her mouth, puts it in mine and then helps herself to a boob feed.
2. She makes a funny face on cue.
3. Her nonplussed face when she stands and we all get excited.
4. when she puts her arms infront of her and cozzies in for a cuddle.
5. How she pulls her brothers curls.
6. The cheeky smile when she knows she isn't meant to go into the kitchen cupboard, but does it anyway.
7. Her first few words, Mama, Dada, tata and Ta.
8. Maude getting a Kissey face in the morning and a pat on the back. 
My favourite Archie things
  1. 'Mummys leetil baby' 
2. Say mama Haha, say dada Haha.
3. Sleeping in his teepee instead of his bed, with 'mummy's blankie' - our old mattress protecter.
4. 'What you dooie?' 
5. 'Where that car goey?' 
6. That he strokes his arms to help soothe himself to sleep - but would rather stroke mine.
7. His sheer delight when he sees me, although his delight in sitting on me as opposed to a chair has resulted in many bruises.
8. A wee 'boob' feed before bed while fighting with sister over which boob is whose!

I return to work tomorrow and clearly feel the need to record these moments.....I worry I'll lose touch with my lovelies, leaving them - I know they'll be with there dad or grandmama and granda, but it's not ME!
Finally my darling Alfie boy, each transition into a 'new phase' takes me a step further away from you wee man. 4years is a long time darling, lots has happened and all down to you. Four years ago at this time mummy was so excited about starting her new job, getting ready for you coming - a world full fo possibilties. Little did I know what a different outcome we would have, not raising you was never one of those possibitlies. In a different world I would be taking you to Nursery tomorrow, instead I dream of  what you would have been.............................sweet dreams to all my loves xxx

I won!

I never win anything, so was v excited when I read I had won the choice of 2 lovely patterns from Little lizard king designs. I chose the one above and this one

If your reading this Helen, these are the two I was telling you to hold off for. Talking of lovely Helen, I made her wee one Eilidh a wee birthday outfit. I used the same fabric for the outer as Sadie's - the Michael Miller mushrooms, but chose a lovely plae blue with pink spots for the inner and wee trews. I hope you all agree she is adorable

I must post a pic of Sadie in the same outfit. I used the pattern

I made it a but bigger for Eilidh.....hope it will last longer that way. I'm thinking of selling some fo my outfits, not sure how I feel about it yet or where i will find the time! I'll see how much interest there is in them then I'll decide. As a footnote, I've been meaning to write for ages re Airch's potty or not, training. We are having lots of fun emptying it, and learning to wash our hands and dry them. The best bit though is his choice of potty! so far we have had, the potty,one of my shoes, a tupperware box, a plastic drinking cup, Thomas the tank engine ride on (his fave next too the potty, he calls it his train potty), my dads garden hose, my friends (the lovely Kirsty) hose for her dyson hoover, chicco stacking cups, I may add he does it all standing 'like grandad' so quite a good aim for a wee man!