29-365 Happy green fingers

Horticultural Happiness

Archie and I had an adorable we moment this weekend where I caught him chatting to our orchid, He was holding it in his arms saying 'I'll make you happy, don't worry I know what to do'. He asked me if we could give it some juice to make it feel better and that it was thirsty. So we watered the orchid, he still wasn't happy - I then realised he had expected the stem and flower to be upright, he had thought because it was growing out the way it was unhappy. We had a lovely discussion about different plants and he seemed happy to just have a wee chat to the orchid to make it happy.

That orchid was given to me as a pressie from my cousin Kirsty when Archie was born, it has been great - although it doesn't get the best of care or attention it still powers on. It has been in every room in the house and appears to be quite versatile and not opposed to change or transition (unlike us, I'm hopeless at it - and Archie doesn't even like my new toenails) - I hope to have that Orchid for a long time it appears to want to hang around too. I also hope it brings Archie and I many more wee chats, his questions, interest and general Joie de vivre is a constant reminder of how special and precious our wee family  is. Even a simple morning at home can be filled with moments of joy. Another reason to thank my wonderful kiddos for reminding me how awesome life is. After a 'sands' weekend I feel filled with thoughts of my darling Alfie, adn yet I know now I would never change the way things are,  I consider my two earthside babies a gift to us from their big brother, without him they wouldn't be here and how could I contemplate a life without them? I must accept that things are as they are meant to be, after 4 years of my new life I can't say it is worse than life before Alfie. I do feel overwhelming sadness when I think of the pain and shock we all suffered, of the guilt I felt when seeing my loved ones pain - it has been worth it! Without Alfie I would be less of a person and I would rather have known him as I did than never experienced him at all. I do think it has brought us closer, made us all stronger and for that I thank him - he has filled my life with many gifts.

Not to be outdone, my darling Mini Haha, her chat gets better every day too. Look at that sheer delight on her wee face......x

If grief came with a manual.........

it would read - once box is opened, it can never be closed again.

Step one - How one deals with this fact is entirely personal. Some of us mourn publicly loudly for a long time - others quietly and quickly and then pick up the pieces and 'move on'.

When Alfie died, I was horrified at the idea that one day I would be one of those women whose life is consumed with loss. Who wears jewellery with their child's name around their neck, publicly announcing my child died(i opted for a more subtle bracelet with his tiny photo and a lock of his hair), I have a teeny teeny photo in our house which unless you looked carefully you'd never see.
I never wanted to deny my boy, however he is mines and lives in my heart - I don't need to look at his photo - nor wear a t-shirt that says 'angel mummy'.  I rarely put up a facebook status about Alfie, except on his anniversary and in babyloss week, I know that might seem cold in comparison to other mums who post constantly but I feel happy with my way.
That is not to say, those who do go down this route of mourning are any better or any worse than me - it's simply a means of survival and what works best for one.

Of late my life has been consumed by sands and hence I feel I have become one of those mums who lives and breathes bereavement, how did I get here?
I was the positive one, the one who wouldn't be defined by my loss - I wanted to be much more than that 'women who lost her baby'. I fear in some eyes that's what I've become - this is not the case, as such life goes in waves...right now I'm in a sands phase, which will hopefully settle and my other more 'normal' life will return,. By normal I mean my normal - because really what is normal? What the majority do? What my peers do? who the hell knows what to do when a baby dies, who the hell really knows what to do when anyone dies - whether expected or unexpected one is never prepared for the harsh stark reality of loss. The curse of the human condition.


Step two - it's a continual learning curve.
Every time I think I've got it nailed something else comes up! I dot along in my cosy bubble loving my children I hold in my arms and loving the child I hold in my heart. I am surrounded by other mums who've lost a baby and it has become second nature to 'chat' about our wee ones, both living and lost.......HOW on earth did I not realise that others just don't want to hear that? One forgets that my 'normal' isn't everyone else's - I always thought/hoped one of the positive things about losing Alfie was that it had made me a more compassionate person - yikes, maybe not. When did I become so self-absorbed I forgot about others feelings.....

Thing is, it doesn't consume me, I very rarely cry anymore ( maybe I should, rather than this once a year malarky, which is all consuming and exhausting), and never chat about him at work or with boob club mums. I no longer need to scream out 'I LOST MY BABY' quietly inside while others are chatting about their live children. This is partly due to time and my darlings who I can cuddle and love daily. I know Alfie is with me in memory and that's enough now. The rawness has most certainly subsided - however like Karma, grief come back to bite you on the as. Just when life is dotting along the bubble bursts and it all comes rushing back. Grief is hard enough without feeling judged about the way one copes and survives through it - see we really do need a manual - then no one would be offended or hurt, there is plenty enough of that being doled out by life in general.

Step 3 - find a way to survive it. This can change regularly, however it is easier to go with ones emotions (in my opinion) as opposed to bottling them up.
I am a talker and an obssesser - or as my mum would say 'a dog with a bone', hmmm wonder where that comes from mum?
When Alfie died I talked about him non stop, it was all I could do to make him seem real, otherwise those 9months didn't really happen. I realise I am a very open person and much prefer to deal with things head on, I always assume the best in people and think 'talking' can solve the worlds problems - well that's what I tell my school kids - how can I preach peace to them and not firmly believe negotiation is the best way forward. Duh, Clare you live in a naive idealistic world, you'd think by 40 I'd have sussed that one out!

 Step 4 - always always use any emotional situation to make you become a better person.

Although I over analyse everything - and hmm truthfully nothing sometimes I try to come up with a positive spin on situations, again a teaching ideology. How, can one become a better person if they don't improve and learn from their mistakes?  Of late I seem to be offending everyone with my ways of dealing with grief - so I am taking it all on board and adjusting accordingly. I will endeavor to be more sensitive to others feelings and emotions, I will not discuss my loss publicly, I have this blog to help me if I need to ponder on my wee man. The good thing is all these new realisations will help me and others, so that can't be a bad thing.


Last and final step (so far, as I'm sure I'll struggle and learn about how to cope with my loss for the rest of my days)
You can not quantify grief, nor can one type of loss be any worse or any better than another. 
Losing a person who is loved, wanted, cherished cared for is hard regardless of gestation of pregnancy, how many minutes the child lived, how many years you've rasied and nurtured your child or how many years you've loved and shared life with that person -  it is irrelevant the gaping massive hole they left is the same size and all the dealing/coping/surviving in the world ain't gonna ever fill it back up - that's the shitty reality.
How we deal with the reality of the loss is what makes it different and, as I said above we must all do what it takes to get through, whilst hopefully not hurting anyone in the process.



And so......I feel better after articulating all of that - I hope this helps others to understand my process of dealing with grief and helps them deal with theirs. Big love to all, xxxx

Only a day has passed and already I can see the benefit of being able to say this wee mans name every week. Bonus is he seems a nice wee boy, cheeky chappy but bright and kind, the things I would have wanted for my Alfie. That poor boy isn't ever going to know how significant he's been or will become in the process of learning to live without my child.
I spoke with some of of my wonderful sands mums tonight and the supportive, nutters at knitwits - in fact I say spoke hmmm actually cried for ages......we all agreed, one only ever learns to live without your child up to a point. After that it is just the harsh shitty painful reality of loss, nothing can fill the void. Life goes on, new babies come along (if your lucky), day to day life continues, you heal from the shock of the loss - the wide open raw pain, but then the longterm loss sets in, you know that it isn't going to get any better than this, its just a way of life to be dealt with, some days dealt with better than others. Yet, every day without fail I think of my boy - now more of what would have been, what kind of person he would be? It's hard to believe its been nearly 4 years since I've seen him, held him, smelt him.......... my mind plays tricks, some days he is seems like a vague dream I once had, others it feels like I saw him last week.
This time of year is forever my Alfie season, fall/autumn....summer fades and I start to re live the significant dates leading up to his death. I know his anniversary will be beautiful, a day filled with unadulterated thoughts of him - a liminal phase, where real life stops so I can give some time just to Alfie. It's the build up that sucks. My closest sands mums all lost their wee ones round about the same time of year, so we all start to feel fragile and vulnerable together, although I would never wish the pain of babyloss on anyone, I am truly grateful for these woman in my life, without whom my diffcult journey would have been lonely, with them it is filled with love, encouragement, support, genuine friendship - and not to forget the chance to talk freely about our wee ones without judgement or others morbid curiosity, or even worse the rolling of eyes speaking a million 'isn't she over it yet', or 'here she goes again  on about her depressing life'. Hell we even laugh and indulge ourselves every now and again - Dakota here we came ladies xxxx

sands charity

Fife sands was nominated to be sainsbury's local charity by someone who has never experienced child loss directly. This in itself was a great honor, however we also got down to the last 3 - I had to go into the store and talk to the colleague council about our work. For some reason when I told them a very very brief outline of or story I cried....when I said 2hrs later they came back and he was dead' normally I never cry at that point. Anyhow we never won - 5 points too short. However they are giving us bag pack day and a fun day.......I think I might ask them to put u a banner around the national AGM also. After the talk I went with Mum to the cemetry - I cried again most unlike me! I think Im just a little burnt out - feeding Sadie for almost a year and never having more than 3 hrs sleep is taking its toll. I have a wee infection in my nose also - all contributing to a very tired and emotional mummy - Oh yes also dealing with staffing issues at work. I am craving some clare time not too sleep, to be - read or knit or sew or listen to the radio....... Feels shitty to complain however I am human and although I know the pain of being without a much wanted child I can still be me right? I can still want time for myself?

we are having a major malfunction re photos - Archie lost y sd card for my camera and my phone is so old I cant get my photos on to facebook to get onto C. So i've manged to get a few fro tagged fb photos.

Sadie looked absolutely adorable at the wedding as did Archie. His kilt outfit was a big hit! Sadies outfit was great I was up until midnight finishing the crochet on her bolero. I will try and get photos up soon.

Peggy aka PP was a flower girl and looked beautiful she had a lovely wee headband on made by her lovely mummy - made from loads of little cream buttons - must get one for Sadie. Big news round here is the prep for Sadies 1st bday. Bunting to make, doll to make, romper suit to make.......and on the day yummy scones cakes and mini sarnies to make. It is an emotional time coming towards her bday - I keep going back to how I felt last year at this time, still haven't looked at her baby baby photos.....time travels too fast. On that note - she is still teeny and has nae teeth! I showed a lovely friend Alfie's photo - the one I carry in my purse a few days ago, she'd never seen him as I met her after I lost him, quite recently actually. She cried - I've forgotten that people aren't used to photos of dead babies, its become so normal to me. This makes me sad and happy all at once. I cried when Gill cried - it made him real again - almost!

at times like these

"It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life, and someone is missing." ....Elizabeth McCracken, An Exact Replica Of a Figment Of My Imagination

the things people say.

at a recent hairdressers appointment my lovely hairdresser who has been doing my hair for 40years....that in itself is scary! was telling the wee old lady next to me (it's a teeny old salon no music, just the one stylist) who was waiting on her taxi all about me. We discussed the usual kids stories, breastfeeding, weaning, birth etc - i was actually enjoying having a wee blether and for once i never mentioned Alfie (not because i was denying him, or ashamed - just didn't feel the need, i also thought this woman is from an era when infant loss SB was more common) however my hairdresser said "she lost her first baby" I'm thinking her we go - start the freak show, here's the woman who lost a baby. then she said " died inside her and the she had to have it" I almost screamed IT! he was my son, not some foreign object.........I know she was trying to be nice and not forget about that part of my life, she went on to say how amazing i am and how far I've come and all the stuff I do for sands etc - BUT big BUT it made me think, is that how everyone who hasn't lost a child thinks of our babies? Is that how i would feel if Alfie had survived and i heard about a SB baby?

so many unanswerable questions....