222-226 first, lasts - everything inbetween

We have had a lovely week, with many first - the beginning of the lasts of the summer and a few everythings thrown in.


Sadie's been achieving many firsts - she has slept through the night in her own wee toddlers bed, had a number of  'dry' days and has survived her first day at nursery on her own. Quite a momentous week for a wee one.
Nursery is going great, we all really like it and I feel comfortable leaving the kids there. I took mum and dad on monday to visit. Nursery needs to meet any people who will potentially be picking the kids up, this is a big move for us. Not so long ago I was unsure whether mum and dad would ever be involved in the kids care. As I left the wee ones for the first time I felt myself welling up, not because of myself, but because as I turned to leave I realised my dad had gone back inside, he was leading Sadie out by the hand  he was confused and didn't understand she was staying. He did get it and let her go back in, on so many levels this made me emotional, primarily because he understood that she didn't ordinarily go to nursery but also because I knew he was the one usually watching her.

On a lighter note we went to visit at our lovely pals house on tuesday. The kids haven't been for ages and were really excited about visiting. Luckily it was a glorious day and most of it was spent in the garden.

Trampoline and water fights = happy kiddos.

We left with bags of stuff -as usual, I got 3 vintage dressing patterns, Archie a huge bag of clothes but best of all - TONS of Thomas track and buildings.....it has kept him and Pugs occupied ever since.

Madam was so happy from playing she just had to rest

My fave thing about the day was when I came to get her changed for bed, she had 2 pairs of pants on! you can see a wee sneaky glimpse here of a pair she had 'borrowed'  from one of the older kids.

As the days move on I am becoming aware of the lasts of the summer, in a weeks time I will be returning to work. On some levels I am looking forward to teaching again, I miss the banter with the kids and the intellectual stimulation of teaching the seniors - I am however, saddened that summer is already gone. I had wanted to do so much, we still haven't had a visit to Cragie's nor Pillars.
This time of year always makes me maudlin - as summer ends, fall begins and I move into Alfie time. This year I am going to give a talk at Sands AGM in Oct on the Tuesday club, it will be good to have a focus for him at this time of year.

Today was dads birthday. I am pretty sure he realised it was his day, Antony had been to visit already so when we also turned up with a cake and a song he seemed to have the routine down. It was a day of mixed emotion, on one level I am totally appreciative that my dad is alive and able to celebrate his birthday, however on another it is  gutting that he isn't his usual self. I spent an hour last night traipsing round our limited shopping options starckly aware of our further limitations given my dad can't do any of the things he would normally -  no point buying the failsafe novel (can't imagine ever chatting about the booker list again), he has lost his passion for music - what the hell else is left! I just got him some beers and sweeties, at least I know he will get some pleasure from them.

Made two dresses thsi week, ran 15K, baked, finished a pickles vest and made a bigger dent in the epic crocheted blanket.

23-365 tears of happiness

I was planning on writing a post tonight about my amazing friends at Sands as we had a meeting tonight. However, after the meeting blethering in the cold instead of going home....mum said oh when did you lose Alfie's hair (for those of you who don't know I had a beautiful bracelet made when Alfie died, it had a teeny piece of his hair sandwiched between glass in a charm - among others), I told her I lost it on his 4th anniversary just past - She took it out her purse, Sadie had found it on the floor of the church last Sunday. I couldn't believe it, what 8 weeks or more later and she just happened to be crawling around in the same spot I was standing during his mass. Tears of joy and happiness flowed, I thought it was gone forever and had resigned myself to never seeing it again.  It was lovely to hold it again. On reflection, I was happy to see it is obviously a sign of how far I've come - I remember sending his hair off to New York for them to make it, crying in the post office terrified it would get lost in the mail, 4 years later i lose it and although I was sad - it was somehow almost fitting that I lost it on his anniversary and was just another part of him slipping away.......now its back and safe in a drawer, I may well get it remade for his anniversary this year.
Still can't get over that fact that Sadie found it, weird huh?

If grief came with a manual.........

it would read - once box is opened, it can never be closed again.

Step one - How one deals with this fact is entirely personal. Some of us mourn publicly loudly for a long time - others quietly and quickly and then pick up the pieces and 'move on'.

When Alfie died, I was horrified at the idea that one day I would be one of those women whose life is consumed with loss. Who wears jewellery with their child's name around their neck, publicly announcing my child died(i opted for a more subtle bracelet with his tiny photo and a lock of his hair), I have a teeny teeny photo in our house which unless you looked carefully you'd never see.
I never wanted to deny my boy, however he is mines and lives in my heart - I don't need to look at his photo - nor wear a t-shirt that says 'angel mummy'.  I rarely put up a facebook status about Alfie, except on his anniversary and in babyloss week, I know that might seem cold in comparison to other mums who post constantly but I feel happy with my way.
That is not to say, those who do go down this route of mourning are any better or any worse than me - it's simply a means of survival and what works best for one.

Of late my life has been consumed by sands and hence I feel I have become one of those mums who lives and breathes bereavement, how did I get here?
I was the positive one, the one who wouldn't be defined by my loss - I wanted to be much more than that 'women who lost her baby'. I fear in some eyes that's what I've become - this is not the case, as such life goes in waves...right now I'm in a sands phase, which will hopefully settle and my other more 'normal' life will return,. By normal I mean my normal - because really what is normal? What the majority do? What my peers do? who the hell knows what to do when a baby dies, who the hell really knows what to do when anyone dies - whether expected or unexpected one is never prepared for the harsh stark reality of loss. The curse of the human condition.


Step two - it's a continual learning curve.
Every time I think I've got it nailed something else comes up! I dot along in my cosy bubble loving my children I hold in my arms and loving the child I hold in my heart. I am surrounded by other mums who've lost a baby and it has become second nature to 'chat' about our wee ones, both living and lost.......HOW on earth did I not realise that others just don't want to hear that? One forgets that my 'normal' isn't everyone else's - I always thought/hoped one of the positive things about losing Alfie was that it had made me a more compassionate person - yikes, maybe not. When did I become so self-absorbed I forgot about others feelings.....

Thing is, it doesn't consume me, I very rarely cry anymore ( maybe I should, rather than this once a year malarky, which is all consuming and exhausting), and never chat about him at work or with boob club mums. I no longer need to scream out 'I LOST MY BABY' quietly inside while others are chatting about their live children. This is partly due to time and my darlings who I can cuddle and love daily. I know Alfie is with me in memory and that's enough now. The rawness has most certainly subsided - however like Karma, grief come back to bite you on the as. Just when life is dotting along the bubble bursts and it all comes rushing back. Grief is hard enough without feeling judged about the way one copes and survives through it - see we really do need a manual - then no one would be offended or hurt, there is plenty enough of that being doled out by life in general.

Step 3 - find a way to survive it. This can change regularly, however it is easier to go with ones emotions (in my opinion) as opposed to bottling them up.
I am a talker and an obssesser - or as my mum would say 'a dog with a bone', hmmm wonder where that comes from mum?
When Alfie died I talked about him non stop, it was all I could do to make him seem real, otherwise those 9months didn't really happen. I realise I am a very open person and much prefer to deal with things head on, I always assume the best in people and think 'talking' can solve the worlds problems - well that's what I tell my school kids - how can I preach peace to them and not firmly believe negotiation is the best way forward. Duh, Clare you live in a naive idealistic world, you'd think by 40 I'd have sussed that one out!

 Step 4 - always always use any emotional situation to make you become a better person.

Although I over analyse everything - and hmm truthfully nothing sometimes I try to come up with a positive spin on situations, again a teaching ideology. How, can one become a better person if they don't improve and learn from their mistakes?  Of late I seem to be offending everyone with my ways of dealing with grief - so I am taking it all on board and adjusting accordingly. I will endeavor to be more sensitive to others feelings and emotions, I will not discuss my loss publicly, I have this blog to help me if I need to ponder on my wee man. The good thing is all these new realisations will help me and others, so that can't be a bad thing.


Last and final step (so far, as I'm sure I'll struggle and learn about how to cope with my loss for the rest of my days)
You can not quantify grief, nor can one type of loss be any worse or any better than another. 
Losing a person who is loved, wanted, cherished cared for is hard regardless of gestation of pregnancy, how many minutes the child lived, how many years you've rasied and nurtured your child or how many years you've loved and shared life with that person -  it is irrelevant the gaping massive hole they left is the same size and all the dealing/coping/surviving in the world ain't gonna ever fill it back up - that's the shitty reality.
How we deal with the reality of the loss is what makes it different and, as I said above we must all do what it takes to get through, whilst hopefully not hurting anyone in the process.



And so......I feel better after articulating all of that - I hope this helps others to understand my process of dealing with grief and helps them deal with theirs. Big love to all, xxxx

Only a day has passed and already I can see the benefit of being able to say this wee mans name every week. Bonus is he seems a nice wee boy, cheeky chappy but bright and kind, the things I would have wanted for my Alfie. That poor boy isn't ever going to know how significant he's been or will become in the process of learning to live without my child.
I spoke with some of of my wonderful sands mums tonight and the supportive, nutters at knitwits - in fact I say spoke hmmm actually cried for ages......we all agreed, one only ever learns to live without your child up to a point. After that it is just the harsh shitty painful reality of loss, nothing can fill the void. Life goes on, new babies come along (if your lucky), day to day life continues, you heal from the shock of the loss - the wide open raw pain, but then the longterm loss sets in, you know that it isn't going to get any better than this, its just a way of life to be dealt with, some days dealt with better than others. Yet, every day without fail I think of my boy - now more of what would have been, what kind of person he would be? It's hard to believe its been nearly 4 years since I've seen him, held him, smelt him.......... my mind plays tricks, some days he is seems like a vague dream I once had, others it feels like I saw him last week.
This time of year is forever my Alfie season, fall/autumn....summer fades and I start to re live the significant dates leading up to his death. I know his anniversary will be beautiful, a day filled with unadulterated thoughts of him - a liminal phase, where real life stops so I can give some time just to Alfie. It's the build up that sucks. My closest sands mums all lost their wee ones round about the same time of year, so we all start to feel fragile and vulnerable together, although I would never wish the pain of babyloss on anyone, I am truly grateful for these woman in my life, without whom my diffcult journey would have been lonely, with them it is filled with love, encouragement, support, genuine friendship - and not to forget the chance to talk freely about our wee ones without judgement or others morbid curiosity, or even worse the rolling of eyes speaking a million 'isn't she over it yet', or 'here she goes again  on about her depressing life'. Hell we even laugh and indulge ourselves every now and again - Dakota here we came ladies xxxx

lists

Things I've learnt while on maternity leave.
1. Sleep when you can.
2. Time moves too too quickly.
3. How to bake, cakes, cookies, meringues.
4. How to make Jam, strawberry and raspberry.
5. How to sew, beautiful dresses for Sadie and recently cool trousers for Archie - photos to follow.
6. How to multi-task. 
7. How important the woman are in my life, Sands mums, knitwits, boob clubs mums, my mum and Auntie Momo - all helped, supported and made this last year a great journey - helping me learn how to be a mum, thanks xxx
8. Life is beautiful.
My favourite Sadie things 
1. She takes her tata out her mouth, puts it in mine and then helps herself to a boob feed.
2. She makes a funny face on cue.
3. Her nonplussed face when she stands and we all get excited.
4. when she puts her arms infront of her and cozzies in for a cuddle.
5. How she pulls her brothers curls.
6. The cheeky smile when she knows she isn't meant to go into the kitchen cupboard, but does it anyway.
7. Her first few words, Mama, Dada, tata and Ta.
8. Maude getting a Kissey face in the morning and a pat on the back. 
My favourite Archie things
  1. 'Mummys leetil baby' 
2. Say mama Haha, say dada Haha.
3. Sleeping in his teepee instead of his bed, with 'mummy's blankie' - our old mattress protecter.
4. 'What you dooie?' 
5. 'Where that car goey?' 
6. That he strokes his arms to help soothe himself to sleep - but would rather stroke mine.
7. His sheer delight when he sees me, although his delight in sitting on me as opposed to a chair has resulted in many bruises.
8. A wee 'boob' feed before bed while fighting with sister over which boob is whose!

I return to work tomorrow and clearly feel the need to record these moments.....I worry I'll lose touch with my lovelies, leaving them - I know they'll be with there dad or grandmama and granda, but it's not ME!
Finally my darling Alfie boy, each transition into a 'new phase' takes me a step further away from you wee man. 4years is a long time darling, lots has happened and all down to you. Four years ago at this time mummy was so excited about starting her new job, getting ready for you coming - a world full fo possibilties. Little did I know what a different outcome we would have, not raising you was never one of those possibitlies. In a different world I would be taking you to Nursery tomorrow, instead I dream of  what you would have been.............................sweet dreams to all my loves xxx

Been a while......

I've really missed writing our wee blog, but life has been hectic. Last weekend I went to Aberdeen to the SANDS Scottish network day, it was really interesting, The Child Bereavement charity did a presentation, it was fantastic.We met some great people and found some useful resources. The most exciting thing for me, is that I'm to be a media representative for sands in Scotland, I'll get some training - thank goodness. Finally I get to use my big gob and love of my own voice for something so worthwhile! On monday I did my parents story at the hospitals training that I had fought hard to be put in place - I stayed for the training and also found it interesting, I still think we can do a better job, more interactive and more use of bereaved parents, it was suggested we have a fathers story in the future. I asked Pug and to my surprise, he said he would do it.

My wee mini Haha is coming on as you can see she spends her time pulling herself up in furniture and then getting stuck and frustrated.....so I spend my days moving her around from chair to table to highchair etc. She does fit the wee converse....she did have 2 on today, she just managed to pull one off. She is so dinky - her lovely bows and anchors top is a 3-6 months and still long in the arms. Archie doodle is talking non-stop now, although I am still his main interpreter, he did spontaneously say 'i love you' last week - I had a tear, my beautiful babies. All this sands activity only makes me realise more just how blessed I am to have 2 adorable babies to care for, watch grow and love. My darling Alfie - missed and thought of daily, without him - we wouldn't be the family we are. Thank you my wee star xxx

at times like these

"It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life, and someone is missing." ....Elizabeth McCracken, An Exact Replica Of a Figment Of My Imagination

thoughts of Alfie

This weekend has been so lovely, however as usual on special days I am ever aware of my darling's absence. I think back to the 1st bday without him - how hideous it was. I got ready for work, got into the car with Anne said 'it's my bday.....blub blub blub', that bday was supposed to be my 1st as a mum, my 1st time getting a card signed by my son, I was never to have a card from Alfie - of course I have my 2 beautiful ones, but always at the cost of losing my 1st wee man. I looked over at all my lovely sands mums and their babies at my party and thought....I love those women, life would be hell without them. I also thought had I not lost Alfie what a very different party this would be - what a very different life this would be......think of you everyday my wee man - life without you is a strange journey, love and mummy kisses to my 1st baby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

mothers day - some random thoughts

I never thought much about mothers day prior to Alfie, it wasn't as if I longed to be given a card or flowers etc, it was always about my mum. The 1st mothers day after Alfie died I was gutted, I never left the house. I remember the build up prior to the day, the shops full of cards, flowers, chocolates - everything on special in the supermarkets etc. I was hellish. At that point I used an online forum as a means of support. On the boards I used loads of mums were dreading the day, many of them received gifts anyways - a lot of them received cards from their 'angels' signed by the dads in the angels behalf. I had such mixed emotions about it all.......I really seriously do not believe Alfie is an angel and when people say that it drives me nuts - I am not an 'angel mummy'I much prefer the term bereaved parent. I use the term baby loss (however it is a common less offensive term) - but also have issues with that, its not like I misplaced Alfie like a set of keys - he died, it is so very different. So, that 1st mothers day - I got nothing, even though I didn't want a card from my 'angel' - I did expect Pug to do something to mark the day, even a card from him saying what I don't really know, maybe that he feels for me a mum without a child etc.... His argument was that mothers day is about mothering, raising your child and I had at that point never mothered a child, no breastfeeding, changing, cuddling - but surely nurturing my child in my womb for 37 weeks is part of mothers, giving birth ( not birth really) maybe I should say laboring my child - counts for some form of mothering? otherwise that negates a relationship with our child prior to birth. I still have mixed emotions about that day, about our very different reactions to it. I can only think that Pug related his male experience to the day, that as a man he had a very limited relationship - if at all with our wee man therefore for him being a parent is about after the birth, sadly our birth was a death an he never got any relationship with Alfie. The next year was very different, he made a big fuss because Archie was here, of course it was wonderful and I loved feeling part of a day and been so painfully excluded from a year before. Like every other 'special' day it is tainted knowing that my 1st son isn't with me, not too the point of tears or hiding in the house, just an awareness of what could have been.........but then what about my babies I have with me? they wouldn't exist - an unthinkable situation. SO that's the fucked up life of a parent dealing with a child's death. This year was a wash out so I've asked for another mothers day in a few weeks - mastitis, poorly Archie and love him as I do with all my heart and more - I never got my mothers day card until 7pm, not quite the same as being woken up in bed with flowers( even better if they are picked by the kids from garden, don't need store bought)and a yummy breakfast....... I'll hold him to it!!!

beloved child

The day before Alfie died - a sunday, Pug went down the town alone. When he came home he'd bought me a wee pressie, my 1st kokeshi doll. She is beautiful red and cream, very simple, hand carved and named 'beloved child'. I was so emotional when he gave it to me, we had been having a rough time in our relationship, he was over worked and i was nervously awaiting the birth of our 1st child and anxious about all that that entails.
How strange to think that within 24hrs of receiving the 'beloved child' our beloved child would be dead?

2 years later 'beloved child' is sitting on my desk at work and i use her in a lesson, i am telling the kids about kokeshi dolls and there significance re 1,000 paper cranes and Sadako Sasaki. I wonder if i will always feel the need to insert stories of my Alfie into my day to day life. I know the kids in school all know I lost my 1st baby and many have appreciated my candor and have come to me with similar stories of loss. I also feel it is good for children to be aware of lives frailty.

the things people say.

at a recent hairdressers appointment my lovely hairdresser who has been doing my hair for 40years....that in itself is scary! was telling the wee old lady next to me (it's a teeny old salon no music, just the one stylist) who was waiting on her taxi all about me. We discussed the usual kids stories, breastfeeding, weaning, birth etc - i was actually enjoying having a wee blether and for once i never mentioned Alfie (not because i was denying him, or ashamed - just didn't feel the need, i also thought this woman is from an era when infant loss SB was more common) however my hairdresser said "she lost her first baby" I'm thinking her we go - start the freak show, here's the woman who lost a baby. then she said " died inside her and the she had to have it" I almost screamed IT! he was my son, not some foreign object.........I know she was trying to be nice and not forget about that part of my life, she went on to say how amazing i am and how far I've come and all the stuff I do for sands etc - BUT big BUT it made me think, is that how everyone who hasn't lost a child thinks of our babies? Is that how i would feel if Alfie had survived and i heard about a SB baby?

so many unanswerable questions....