Been a while......

I've really missed writing our wee blog, but life has been hectic. Last weekend I went to Aberdeen to the SANDS Scottish network day, it was really interesting, The Child Bereavement charity did a presentation, it was fantastic.We met some great people and found some useful resources. The most exciting thing for me, is that I'm to be a media representative for sands in Scotland, I'll get some training - thank goodness. Finally I get to use my big gob and love of my own voice for something so worthwhile! On monday I did my parents story at the hospitals training that I had fought hard to be put in place - I stayed for the training and also found it interesting, I still think we can do a better job, more interactive and more use of bereaved parents, it was suggested we have a fathers story in the future. I asked Pug and to my surprise, he said he would do it.

My wee mini Haha is coming on as you can see she spends her time pulling herself up in furniture and then getting stuck and frustrated.....so I spend my days moving her around from chair to table to highchair etc. She does fit the wee converse....she did have 2 on today, she just managed to pull one off. She is so dinky - her lovely bows and anchors top is a 3-6 months and still long in the arms. Archie doodle is talking non-stop now, although I am still his main interpreter, he did spontaneously say 'i love you' last week - I had a tear, my beautiful babies. All this sands activity only makes me realise more just how blessed I am to have 2 adorable babies to care for, watch grow and love. My darling Alfie - missed and thought of daily, without him - we wouldn't be the family we are. Thank you my wee star xxx

sands days

Sometimes weeks go by without much thought of sands and other times it feels like it is my life. I had a support meeting on friday night and listened to my wonderful friend tell her lovely son Callan's story, which was emotional....Monday I talked to 20 midwives and students about the role of sands in the journey of baby loss. It felt great to feel as though our story might actually have an impact on the way they think in the future, the way other parents and babies are treated and the way a woman is treated in subsequent pregnancies. That's my big thing - I know we can't bring the babies back, but we can insure the next pregnancy is as easy as possible - no repetition of story, the same faces to deal with, control over decisions and so on. Of course it also felt good to express the pride I felt in my son, that event hough he was dead I still wanted skin to skin, I wanted to see him - I'd spent 9 months imagining what he looked like, how he would feel, smell.....paradoxically I was both excited and frightened of seeing him. I knew my hello would also be a goodbye. Monday night I had a sands committee meeting and discussed many things that we can do to improve the services we offer, this resulted in me getting back on the email to our local MSP. I spent a while thinking recently about what I want for my role in sands and came to the decision whilst chatting with mum that I would like to be an advocate for parents who have experienced stillbirth. If I can influence the way doctors, midwives, health visitors treat us then I know Alfie's legacy will be fulfilled. He is the reason other mums are being treated with kindness and consideration, therefore his far too short existence has had a tangible purpose. I spoke with my health visitor on Tuesday and discussed what sands does, so I am now delivering some training to her 'cluster group' of surgeries, she didn't even know to contact us if she had to help a bereaved parent!!!! My friend Susan and I are now booked on to the sands befrienders training course, we will officially be able to help bereaved parents. Phew, I also started reading 'they were still born' thanks for the tip Jeanette. And finally last night I watched 'one born every minute' which showed a woman having a live birth after a stillbirth, I felt strangely detached......not sure how I felt about it - had anticipated feeling very emotional possibly built myself up for it, but then when you've experienced it for real watching someone else isn't too hard. On weeks like this, I think I appreciate all that Alfie has given me - my wonderful sands friends, my relationship with my mum and dad and most of all my husband and darling kids we brought home - without whom life seems impossible. had Alfie not gone before they wouldn't exist - a thought that is nothing short of terrifying. From the shadows of my darkest moments comes the light of my babies smiles xxxx