232-35 last precious days of summer

This last few days have been lovely, albeit filled with concern over my return to work. I have tried to push it to the back of my mind and until today have done pretty well......

Thursday we went to Edinburgh to let the kids see the madness of the festival, and mad it was! Try getting down the high st with 2 exhausted children a pram and not get annoyed with the enthusiasm of the performers thrusting flyers into my face, deep breathe and relax!!!  Actually considering the hectiness of it, we had a really lovely day. St Andrews sq was a big hit, sandpit and east links farm, so both Sadie and Archie were happy, sand and tractors what a combo.

We met Auntie Iny in the gardens, then walked round castle terrace to the high st - Archie fascinated by the castle, Sadie a little overwhelmed.
Then a stop for a cuppa at Saint Arbucks...mmmm I know on some levels I shouldn't love it but I do, my total guilty pleasure, blended decaf carmel mm mmm so glad we don't have one in kdy.

Archie enjoying his hot choc, the offending article in the foreground and Auntie Iny's cheeky wee Pimms.

We, planted Kale for winter soup.

We had our last visit on Friday to Busy Bee's - tomorrow the kids are totally flying solo - after the visit we went to Momo's - Archie and Momo mowed the lawn, and washed the car - He loves helping, I love that he is kept busy.....

Sadie and I enjoyed hanging out in the sun - Yes she does have her legs inside my top, that girl wants to be a 'wee joey' all the day long.


I am so apprehensive about returning to work the morn, I know in a few weeks we will be rolling with the sitch, but right now it feels exhausting. Shit, I'm no the only working mum and I am only doing 2.5 days, but it seems massive right now. I am reminded of last year at this time when I returned to work.

So this years lists.

Sadie.
My darling girl how you've grown. From a few words to non stop chatter.
1. Mummy 'why did you.....e.g. throw that on the floor'. Sadie 'Cause I am'
2. You still lvoe mummies boobies more than anything in your whole world.
3. You use mummies behaviour tactics with Archie... Sadie 'get up Archie, I count 1, 2, 3,'
4. Your hair looks like Muffin Mclays in the morning and you smell awesome when you wake up.
5. You insist your name is Sadie Moocher.
6. You love all things sparkly
7. Strawberries are you favourite food.
8. You don't have to wear a nappy anymore during the day
9 You call strawberry milk 'charlie milk' and have to help me make it every morning

Archie
My beautiful son, your sheer joy from the world brings me daily pleasure.
1. From a boy who said a few words last year at this time, you seriously never stop talking. Last night you asked me to sing you to sleep to stop your brain from asking questions....I hope this means your gonna be a smart cookie.
2. You love all things diggers and trains, so much so I might even go to diggerland Durham for a holiday!
3. You look like Hairy Maclary all day with your mad crazy scruffy hair.
4. You are so kind, I love catching you helping you sister out, even if you want to 'get rid of Sadie, because she doesn't follow the rules' - this from my freewheeling free spirited son Hmmmm
5. You love Pizza, hot dogs and cheese - most of all ice cream and sweeties.
6. Bob the builder and danger diggers at work are your fave TV shows.
7. Mrs Ewan from nursery is your best friend and you want to marry her.
8. You want to see daddy at a gig.
9. you still love to stroke mummy to go to sleep at night.

And finally, my never forgotten wee'st man Alfie. In a few days time you would be starting school, I very rarely go down the route of what you would be doing, school is a biggie not to be missed. As each year passes you are still remembered, most recently your brother is fascinated by your and saddened that he doesn't have a brother to play with....... your always in my thoughts wee man, I will think of you and imagine a wee curly haired boy off to school on Tue morning...kisses from mumma

231 -glorious sunshine....inside and out

We had a lovely day today.
The amazing sun and the warmth it brings has such a positive affect on us all. The kids were so happy pottering about in the garden, Archie wanted a 'lazy day', I did manage however to persuade him to go to nursery. We had the most lovely walk round, Archie took his tractor and managed to ride it most of the way there and Sadie wanted to walk. I wised I'd taken my camera she looked so adorable trotting along with her backpack on, our neighbour commented that it looked like a parachute it was so big on her. Mini spent the whole journey saying 'my school is busy bees', she is so grown up and independent it frightens me, where has my wee one gone?

Archie asked again this morning about his brother and where we put him, so as it was such a gorgeous day we all went up to the grave. Pugs, myself, the kids and mum and dad all went, we left beautiful sunflowers for Alfie and brought one home for us to remind us of him when we are away from him. I sat on the grass in front of the stone with Archie on my lap and explained that Alfie was below us, but is was only his bones left, Grandma showed him Alfie's name on the stone and pointed out that they have the same second name. He seemed pretty mellow about it, he did ask on the way there if we were digging him up!!! Luckily he forgot all about that request once at the cemetery.
A moment filled with such mixed emotions, I did have a wee tear in my eye as we sat there, so so so grateful, beyond words to be holding my lovely boy, feeling his warmth the smell of his hair and listening to his nonsense chatter and yer overwhelmed with sadness that I never got the chance to know Alfie, that as time goes on I feel sad in a empty feeble way. I know some people will disagree with the way we raise our kids and of course it is all coloured by the loss of our first born, yes I probably do indulge them  emotionally more than I should, but can anyone love a child too much! As for our way of including Alfie and making him a part of our family, I feel we have the balance right. I am always firm with Archie that we are not sad anymore, and that we have him and Sadie to love...I don't want the kids to grow up in the shadow of an older dead sibling, however I do feel it is important that they understand the cycle of life. Shit, I always remember thinking that losing a pet was such a great experience for kids, one less thing I have to worry about since our experienced death from the get go - I hope it only increases their emotional abilities and makes them rounder warmer and more compassionate individuals - One can  always dream for the best for their children.

229-230 calm after another storm

This is what I needed, actually it is what we both needed. Archie in his 'natural' habitat.

After Sunday's emotional eve and another hellish bedtime drama, both Archie and I were shattered and tense on monday morning - Yikes, not a good combo.
We went as has been our holiday routine to just kiddin - an ideal place for the kids to run around and for me to try and grab a cuppa and a blether with pals. Oh no, not today. Archie was nip nip nippy from getting up and by the time we reached JK he was high hyper hypedog! I caught him pushing a wee girl over on the bouncy castle, he got a row and was told to apologise - at which point some otehr mother said he'd been hitting two other kids. Phew, I should have read the signs and left- but no, overtired and tense I gave him a wee cuddle talked about behaving well and then stupidly encouraged him to go chase Oliver on the play structure, he went belting off and pushed his way past all the other kids, I could see he was grabbing Sadie to get her out the way and was enroute to try and diffuse sitch, when some woman shouted to one of the employees - "sort it out, that he's bullying all the other" bairns! Oh Oh Lady, you picked the wrong mum on the wrong day - It's his sister I'll deal with it......I then took Archie away - well grabbed him by arm and frogmarched him past all other tables of glaring mums (that is the response they wanted isn't it? I really wanted to hug him and say what's up wee man, how come your being so mean - its no like you), I shouted at the woman 'I think bullying is taking it a bit far' so not like me to be confrontational, but hackles up and hating anyone saying that about my boy I couldn't stop myself. I am the first to admit he is a wee nutter, he gets hugely overexcited and when tired can be nothing short of annoying, however Bullying at 3yrs old come one, he was pushing other kids not holding them up in a corner and punching them...... I cried when I got to my folks house, i hated my reaction to her and I hated that I let Archie down and didn't read the signs.....

So, today my wonderful pal Susan bundled us all in her car and drove us to Bee craigs country park - one word awesome.

The kids loved it, I loved it - fresh air, woods, water an amazing playground, picnics good chat and crochet in the car, BLISS.

Thanks Susan, your a star - xxx

Archie and I had a fascinating chat this am about where Alfie's skin was. He has obviously been thinking about it and made the connection that if he is dead an no longer here then his body must be somewhere. I explained to him about Alfie being buried, I take him to the grave regularly to leave flowers and tidy up but I have never explained in detail about Alfie's body......to be truthful it is something I struggled with initially. I can handle the dry bones idea - which is what I told Archie, however I do struggle with the decomp stage. For a long time I couldn't settle when there knowing he was underneath me......as I say the bones don't freak me out, so I am much easier with it now.
Archie seemed to be ok with our chat, poor guy I wonder how much time he spends dwelling on it and whether he is bothered by it or not, he seems pretty matter of fact about it all  - wish I could say the same.

227 + 228 stormy sunday

Yikes the rain today has been crazy,  stormy apocalyptic at one point. We were driving and Archie started chatting about badgers coming out.......realised it was because he thought it was night time, it was actually about the midday!



We had planned to go pick berries at Craigies after a wee trip to the carbootie, rain put paid to those plans, so we went to Ikea. We did manage a wee quick nip round the carboot first. Happy days, Archie got a wee polly pocket Thomas the tank equivalent, Sadie got an awesome senorita dressing up outfit with matching red and black polkadot shoes and I got 3 wee 60's storage tins and an amazing 50's 'arab' doll...with burka!

My dad has made a huge move forward, well I think so anyways - he went to the bank yesterday, yes it is still a regular occurrence, so much so the woman in the bank are now very much aware of the situation. Back to the point, Dad was asking the woman for something and she said sorry not sure  what you mean Mr Strachan can you write it down and he did! He wrote £60 debit on a bit paper and handed it to her. Phew, the 1st time since his stroke he has tried to communicate in writing - if we can get him to use this tool more often life would be so much easier for both him and mum. Most of the issues are due to him becoming irritated about not doing what he wants and poor mum getting upset trying to work out what he wants. I saw her in action again on fri and once again I am in awe of her love and commitment to my dad. Such an inspiration.....must remember that when I'm bitching at Pugs for no cleaning up the hoose!

Emotional storms tonight also, the kids and I had an unsettled bedtime. Every now and then Archie mentions Alfie and we have a wee chat. Tonight he was asking the usual questions - why did he die, did he get any food, will he come back, can I be his new brother etc...I thought I might let the pair of them see inside his memory box. The box sits next to my bed, not I may add for any sentimental reason, simply because I have never found a suitable place for it! I'm sure a psychoanalyst would have a bloody field day wi that reasoning, however it did have a place before we moved the room about and since then I've never found a new one. I showed the kids his hand and foot prints and his wee but hair, I was hoping ti might make them understand a bit better, they also saw a photo of us with Alfie for the 1st time...how weird, Archie said why are you not normal mummy, I was all freaked out and said what do you mean love, thinking he was worried about how sad I looked - nope, he was just confused as to why I had long hair. Not sure if my intentions were a success or not, I'm sure that only time will tell. I feel so ambivalent about the whole issue, how to keep a dead brothers memory alive with kids who've never met him isn't easy - how to make it normal and not freak them out? Another mum balancing act I have yet to achieve!

222-226 first, lasts - everything inbetween

We have had a lovely week, with many first - the beginning of the lasts of the summer and a few everythings thrown in.


Sadie's been achieving many firsts - she has slept through the night in her own wee toddlers bed, had a number of  'dry' days and has survived her first day at nursery on her own. Quite a momentous week for a wee one.
Nursery is going great, we all really like it and I feel comfortable leaving the kids there. I took mum and dad on monday to visit. Nursery needs to meet any people who will potentially be picking the kids up, this is a big move for us. Not so long ago I was unsure whether mum and dad would ever be involved in the kids care. As I left the wee ones for the first time I felt myself welling up, not because of myself, but because as I turned to leave I realised my dad had gone back inside, he was leading Sadie out by the hand  he was confused and didn't understand she was staying. He did get it and let her go back in, on so many levels this made me emotional, primarily because he understood that she didn't ordinarily go to nursery but also because I knew he was the one usually watching her.

On a lighter note we went to visit at our lovely pals house on tuesday. The kids haven't been for ages and were really excited about visiting. Luckily it was a glorious day and most of it was spent in the garden.

Trampoline and water fights = happy kiddos.

We left with bags of stuff -as usual, I got 3 vintage dressing patterns, Archie a huge bag of clothes but best of all - TONS of Thomas track and buildings.....it has kept him and Pugs occupied ever since.

Madam was so happy from playing she just had to rest

My fave thing about the day was when I came to get her changed for bed, she had 2 pairs of pants on! you can see a wee sneaky glimpse here of a pair she had 'borrowed'  from one of the older kids.

As the days move on I am becoming aware of the lasts of the summer, in a weeks time I will be returning to work. On some levels I am looking forward to teaching again, I miss the banter with the kids and the intellectual stimulation of teaching the seniors - I am however, saddened that summer is already gone. I had wanted to do so much, we still haven't had a visit to Cragie's nor Pillars.
This time of year always makes me maudlin - as summer ends, fall begins and I move into Alfie time. This year I am going to give a talk at Sands AGM in Oct on the Tuesday club, it will be good to have a focus for him at this time of year.

Today was dads birthday. I am pretty sure he realised it was his day, Antony had been to visit already so when we also turned up with a cake and a song he seemed to have the routine down. It was a day of mixed emotion, on one level I am totally appreciative that my dad is alive and able to celebrate his birthday, however on another it is  gutting that he isn't his usual self. I spent an hour last night traipsing round our limited shopping options starckly aware of our further limitations given my dad can't do any of the things he would normally -  no point buying the failsafe novel (can't imagine ever chatting about the booker list again), he has lost his passion for music - what the hell else is left! I just got him some beers and sweeties, at least I know he will get some pleasure from them.

Made two dresses thsi week, ran 15K, baked, finished a pickles vest and made a bigger dent in the epic crocheted blanket.

If grief came with a manual.........

it would read - once box is opened, it can never be closed again.

Step one - How one deals with this fact is entirely personal. Some of us mourn publicly loudly for a long time - others quietly and quickly and then pick up the pieces and 'move on'.

When Alfie died, I was horrified at the idea that one day I would be one of those women whose life is consumed with loss. Who wears jewellery with their child's name around their neck, publicly announcing my child died(i opted for a more subtle bracelet with his tiny photo and a lock of his hair), I have a teeny teeny photo in our house which unless you looked carefully you'd never see.
I never wanted to deny my boy, however he is mines and lives in my heart - I don't need to look at his photo - nor wear a t-shirt that says 'angel mummy'.  I rarely put up a facebook status about Alfie, except on his anniversary and in babyloss week, I know that might seem cold in comparison to other mums who post constantly but I feel happy with my way.
That is not to say, those who do go down this route of mourning are any better or any worse than me - it's simply a means of survival and what works best for one.

Of late my life has been consumed by sands and hence I feel I have become one of those mums who lives and breathes bereavement, how did I get here?
I was the positive one, the one who wouldn't be defined by my loss - I wanted to be much more than that 'women who lost her baby'. I fear in some eyes that's what I've become - this is not the case, as such life goes in waves...right now I'm in a sands phase, which will hopefully settle and my other more 'normal' life will return,. By normal I mean my normal - because really what is normal? What the majority do? What my peers do? who the hell knows what to do when a baby dies, who the hell really knows what to do when anyone dies - whether expected or unexpected one is never prepared for the harsh stark reality of loss. The curse of the human condition.


Step two - it's a continual learning curve.
Every time I think I've got it nailed something else comes up! I dot along in my cosy bubble loving my children I hold in my arms and loving the child I hold in my heart. I am surrounded by other mums who've lost a baby and it has become second nature to 'chat' about our wee ones, both living and lost.......HOW on earth did I not realise that others just don't want to hear that? One forgets that my 'normal' isn't everyone else's - I always thought/hoped one of the positive things about losing Alfie was that it had made me a more compassionate person - yikes, maybe not. When did I become so self-absorbed I forgot about others feelings.....

Thing is, it doesn't consume me, I very rarely cry anymore ( maybe I should, rather than this once a year malarky, which is all consuming and exhausting), and never chat about him at work or with boob club mums. I no longer need to scream out 'I LOST MY BABY' quietly inside while others are chatting about their live children. This is partly due to time and my darlings who I can cuddle and love daily. I know Alfie is with me in memory and that's enough now. The rawness has most certainly subsided - however like Karma, grief come back to bite you on the as. Just when life is dotting along the bubble bursts and it all comes rushing back. Grief is hard enough without feeling judged about the way one copes and survives through it - see we really do need a manual - then no one would be offended or hurt, there is plenty enough of that being doled out by life in general.

Step 3 - find a way to survive it. This can change regularly, however it is easier to go with ones emotions (in my opinion) as opposed to bottling them up.
I am a talker and an obssesser - or as my mum would say 'a dog with a bone', hmmm wonder where that comes from mum?
When Alfie died I talked about him non stop, it was all I could do to make him seem real, otherwise those 9months didn't really happen. I realise I am a very open person and much prefer to deal with things head on, I always assume the best in people and think 'talking' can solve the worlds problems - well that's what I tell my school kids - how can I preach peace to them and not firmly believe negotiation is the best way forward. Duh, Clare you live in a naive idealistic world, you'd think by 40 I'd have sussed that one out!

 Step 4 - always always use any emotional situation to make you become a better person.

Although I over analyse everything - and hmm truthfully nothing sometimes I try to come up with a positive spin on situations, again a teaching ideology. How, can one become a better person if they don't improve and learn from their mistakes?  Of late I seem to be offending everyone with my ways of dealing with grief - so I am taking it all on board and adjusting accordingly. I will endeavor to be more sensitive to others feelings and emotions, I will not discuss my loss publicly, I have this blog to help me if I need to ponder on my wee man. The good thing is all these new realisations will help me and others, so that can't be a bad thing.


Last and final step (so far, as I'm sure I'll struggle and learn about how to cope with my loss for the rest of my days)
You can not quantify grief, nor can one type of loss be any worse or any better than another. 
Losing a person who is loved, wanted, cherished cared for is hard regardless of gestation of pregnancy, how many minutes the child lived, how many years you've rasied and nurtured your child or how many years you've loved and shared life with that person -  it is irrelevant the gaping massive hole they left is the same size and all the dealing/coping/surviving in the world ain't gonna ever fill it back up - that's the shitty reality.
How we deal with the reality of the loss is what makes it different and, as I said above we must all do what it takes to get through, whilst hopefully not hurting anyone in the process.



And so......I feel better after articulating all of that - I hope this helps others to understand my process of dealing with grief and helps them deal with theirs. Big love to all, xxxx

Only a day has passed and already I can see the benefit of being able to say this wee mans name every week. Bonus is he seems a nice wee boy, cheeky chappy but bright and kind, the things I would have wanted for my Alfie. That poor boy isn't ever going to know how significant he's been or will become in the process of learning to live without my child.
I spoke with some of of my wonderful sands mums tonight and the supportive, nutters at knitwits - in fact I say spoke hmmm actually cried for ages......we all agreed, one only ever learns to live without your child up to a point. After that it is just the harsh shitty painful reality of loss, nothing can fill the void. Life goes on, new babies come along (if your lucky), day to day life continues, you heal from the shock of the loss - the wide open raw pain, but then the longterm loss sets in, you know that it isn't going to get any better than this, its just a way of life to be dealt with, some days dealt with better than others. Yet, every day without fail I think of my boy - now more of what would have been, what kind of person he would be? It's hard to believe its been nearly 4 years since I've seen him, held him, smelt him.......... my mind plays tricks, some days he is seems like a vague dream I once had, others it feels like I saw him last week.
This time of year is forever my Alfie season, fall/autumn....summer fades and I start to re live the significant dates leading up to his death. I know his anniversary will be beautiful, a day filled with unadulterated thoughts of him - a liminal phase, where real life stops so I can give some time just to Alfie. It's the build up that sucks. My closest sands mums all lost their wee ones round about the same time of year, so we all start to feel fragile and vulnerable together, although I would never wish the pain of babyloss on anyone, I am truly grateful for these woman in my life, without whom my diffcult journey would have been lonely, with them it is filled with love, encouragement, support, genuine friendship - and not to forget the chance to talk freely about our wee ones without judgement or others morbid curiosity, or even worse the rolling of eyes speaking a million 'isn't she over it yet', or 'here she goes again  on about her depressing life'. Hell we even laugh and indulge ourselves every now and again - Dakota here we came ladies xxxx

lists

Things I've learnt while on maternity leave.
1. Sleep when you can.
2. Time moves too too quickly.
3. How to bake, cakes, cookies, meringues.
4. How to make Jam, strawberry and raspberry.
5. How to sew, beautiful dresses for Sadie and recently cool trousers for Archie - photos to follow.
6. How to multi-task. 
7. How important the woman are in my life, Sands mums, knitwits, boob clubs mums, my mum and Auntie Momo - all helped, supported and made this last year a great journey - helping me learn how to be a mum, thanks xxx
8. Life is beautiful.
My favourite Sadie things 
1. She takes her tata out her mouth, puts it in mine and then helps herself to a boob feed.
2. She makes a funny face on cue.
3. Her nonplussed face when she stands and we all get excited.
4. when she puts her arms infront of her and cozzies in for a cuddle.
5. How she pulls her brothers curls.
6. The cheeky smile when she knows she isn't meant to go into the kitchen cupboard, but does it anyway.
7. Her first few words, Mama, Dada, tata and Ta.
8. Maude getting a Kissey face in the morning and a pat on the back. 
My favourite Archie things
  1. 'Mummys leetil baby' 
2. Say mama Haha, say dada Haha.
3. Sleeping in his teepee instead of his bed, with 'mummy's blankie' - our old mattress protecter.
4. 'What you dooie?' 
5. 'Where that car goey?' 
6. That he strokes his arms to help soothe himself to sleep - but would rather stroke mine.
7. His sheer delight when he sees me, although his delight in sitting on me as opposed to a chair has resulted in many bruises.
8. A wee 'boob' feed before bed while fighting with sister over which boob is whose!

I return to work tomorrow and clearly feel the need to record these moments.....I worry I'll lose touch with my lovelies, leaving them - I know they'll be with there dad or grandmama and granda, but it's not ME!
Finally my darling Alfie boy, each transition into a 'new phase' takes me a step further away from you wee man. 4years is a long time darling, lots has happened and all down to you. Four years ago at this time mummy was so excited about starting her new job, getting ready for you coming - a world full fo possibilties. Little did I know what a different outcome we would have, not raising you was never one of those possibitlies. In a different world I would be taking you to Nursery tomorrow, instead I dream of  what you would have been.............................sweet dreams to all my loves xxx

end of an era

sitting at my desk eating lunch, no wee ones begging food or shouting at me wanting joo joo. shit its tough know its 2weeks till i come back and only for 3 days a week till Easter but it is v definitely the beginning of the end of my life as a ft mummy. so sad, fir some reason it is making me v sad about alfie boy, life moving so quickly - he time with me feels such a long time ago.also aware that ft work is with me now for the foreseeable future.....no more playground boob club Tuesday club, gonna miss my sands girls too much. life is tough. i think i'm mourning the loss of alfie again because the kids are no longer babies and we are having no more babies....no longer in a baby phase which will forever be connected to my 1st baby, who never got to grow up

Meeting Mr Brown

No photo as yet, hoping to get one from the local paper. Pug, myself and the kids all went to sainsburys on friday to collect a cheque on behalf of sands. I wasn't that fussed until the night before when Pug said he wanted to come too and that we were meeting an ex world leader. In the US you'd never get that close to an expresident - so off we all trotted on friday morning. I had expected a quick hand over of the gigantic cheque and a wee photo, but no. Mr Brown came and sat with us and 2 other charities for a wee blether. He was quite genuine and was adorable with Sadie, who loved him and giggled and flirted outrageously. The photographer took a ton of photos, but none in todays paper - I had hoped we'd be in. It seems great for sands - and more importantly for newly bereaved mums to see a mum who has gone on to have live happy babies. SO if nothing comes of it, i'll send a photo and wee blurb to the weekly local paper. I did tell Mr Brown about Alfie and as his wee girl Jennifer died in forth park also I felt some kind of mutual understanding, i suppose. Archie spent the whole time saying 'hello gordon'....very cute and a big hit too. Bummer we never won the pitch though - the othr 2 charities both have paid employees - i wished i'd remembered ot say we were all bereaved volunteers - next time. Felt proud to be meeting him and for the kids, and I did tell him with out their big brother we wouldn't be there - without there big brother we'd be at a very different place today - thank you my darling wee man for all the good things you've given us my shining star xxx

a whole year....how life changes

Sadie darling opening her 1st bday card from GG

Eating her cake although she was mostly interested in the strawberries! hmmm she's been off her food all day, maybe finally teeth are on there way?

A lovely dolly from granma- we noticed a few weeks ago how much she is loving faces, she really responds and gets all giggly. She was v cute with her dollies - chatting away to them. Auntie Monica got her to dance , arms flying, bum shaking, much like her mummy. Sadie my love, when your older and you look back on this - know you and Airch are the best thing I've ever done - thank you for all the smiles, dribbly kisses and total adoration I recieve from you. Nothing beats or comes close to it. I think of your big brother on our special days and wonder what he would be doing in our wee life? in our picture? A wee hand missing from our plate today.....never far from mumas thoughts and always in her heart. One day when your all grown up muma will explain to you....... I feel sad and guilty that on your special days mumma has a wee tear for your brother, but know this never alters the love I have for you - in fact if anything it has made me love and appreciate you more, another gift from your big brother.So wee one, my mini Haha - you'll just have to put up with mums blue moments - it'll be out weighed by the enormous affection you receive constantly. xxxxx to all my babies earthside and otherwise

sinking

My wee love is rapidly approaching her 1st birthday very mixed emotions in my head I can tell you. Still wee enough to bathe in sink tho!

Fathers day bonnie frock and the cons - of course. We went to 'muddy boots', was great. Kids happy playing in munchkins land, Dad happy dirt sledging, mum happy pottering round yummy food shop.

Another wee smiley face bath/sink shot.....too cute to resist. Finally have an firm answer on my return to work - I say Finally, we will wait and see but for now I return in 7 weeks at the beginning of term 3 days a week. Mon - wed which means no more boob club and no more tuesday club, sigh - the life of a working mum looms yuck yuck. I wonder if I'll ever be ready to leave them full time? I have organised Archie going once a week to the secret garden nursery, very excited - totally outdoor nursery, no building, all year round playing in woods come rain or shine, perfect for my wee 'boyish' boy.

sands charity

Fife sands was nominated to be sainsbury's local charity by someone who has never experienced child loss directly. This in itself was a great honor, however we also got down to the last 3 - I had to go into the store and talk to the colleague council about our work. For some reason when I told them a very very brief outline of or story I cried....when I said 2hrs later they came back and he was dead' normally I never cry at that point. Anyhow we never won - 5 points too short. However they are giving us bag pack day and a fun day.......I think I might ask them to put u a banner around the national AGM also. After the talk I went with Mum to the cemetry - I cried again most unlike me! I think Im just a little burnt out - feeding Sadie for almost a year and never having more than 3 hrs sleep is taking its toll. I have a wee infection in my nose also - all contributing to a very tired and emotional mummy - Oh yes also dealing with staffing issues at work. I am craving some clare time not too sleep, to be - read or knit or sew or listen to the radio....... Feels shitty to complain however I am human and although I know the pain of being without a much wanted child I can still be me right? I can still want time for myself?

thoughts of Alfie

This weekend has been so lovely, however as usual on special days I am ever aware of my darling's absence. I think back to the 1st bday without him - how hideous it was. I got ready for work, got into the car with Anne said 'it's my bday.....blub blub blub', that bday was supposed to be my 1st as a mum, my 1st time getting a card signed by my son, I was never to have a card from Alfie - of course I have my 2 beautiful ones, but always at the cost of losing my 1st wee man. I looked over at all my lovely sands mums and their babies at my party and thought....I love those women, life would be hell without them. I also thought had I not lost Alfie what a very different party this would be - what a very different life this would be......think of you everyday my wee man - life without you is a strange journey, love and mummy kisses to my 1st baby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

mothers day - some random thoughts

I never thought much about mothers day prior to Alfie, it wasn't as if I longed to be given a card or flowers etc, it was always about my mum. The 1st mothers day after Alfie died I was gutted, I never left the house. I remember the build up prior to the day, the shops full of cards, flowers, chocolates - everything on special in the supermarkets etc. I was hellish. At that point I used an online forum as a means of support. On the boards I used loads of mums were dreading the day, many of them received gifts anyways - a lot of them received cards from their 'angels' signed by the dads in the angels behalf. I had such mixed emotions about it all.......I really seriously do not believe Alfie is an angel and when people say that it drives me nuts - I am not an 'angel mummy'I much prefer the term bereaved parent. I use the term baby loss (however it is a common less offensive term) - but also have issues with that, its not like I misplaced Alfie like a set of keys - he died, it is so very different. So, that 1st mothers day - I got nothing, even though I didn't want a card from my 'angel' - I did expect Pug to do something to mark the day, even a card from him saying what I don't really know, maybe that he feels for me a mum without a child etc.... His argument was that mothers day is about mothering, raising your child and I had at that point never mothered a child, no breastfeeding, changing, cuddling - but surely nurturing my child in my womb for 37 weeks is part of mothers, giving birth ( not birth really) maybe I should say laboring my child - counts for some form of mothering? otherwise that negates a relationship with our child prior to birth. I still have mixed emotions about that day, about our very different reactions to it. I can only think that Pug related his male experience to the day, that as a man he had a very limited relationship - if at all with our wee man therefore for him being a parent is about after the birth, sadly our birth was a death an he never got any relationship with Alfie. The next year was very different, he made a big fuss because Archie was here, of course it was wonderful and I loved feeling part of a day and been so painfully excluded from a year before. Like every other 'special' day it is tainted knowing that my 1st son isn't with me, not too the point of tears or hiding in the house, just an awareness of what could have been.........but then what about my babies I have with me? they wouldn't exist - an unthinkable situation. SO that's the fucked up life of a parent dealing with a child's death. This year was a wash out so I've asked for another mothers day in a few weeks - mastitis, poorly Archie and love him as I do with all my heart and more - I never got my mothers day card until 7pm, not quite the same as being woken up in bed with flowers( even better if they are picked by the kids from garden, don't need store bought)and a yummy breakfast....... I'll hold him to it!!!

sands weekend

It's been over a week since I returned from my befriender training in glasgow. I have wanted to write about it, but the week has been hectic! just to finish off a crazy week - I've got a yucky bout of mastitis and Archie has a bad cold which has infected his wee eyes. Sad because we had planned a day out with the whole family for mothers day ( see another post on this)to an old steam railway. We went anyways -

Sadie eating as usual and the lovely wee Caitlin. I'm so ill at this point I have three jackets on and I was still freezing.

Sadie baby girl in the baggage rack - another of her dad's photos! I can assure you no child was harmed in the making off this photo - the train was still in the station on Woops, off on a tangent. Back to sands weekend. It was lovely to spend some time with Susan, however it was emotionally draining. We also had out friday night support meeting, where I met a new couple and was rushed back to that early place where grief is overwhelming and you are desperate for someone to help you find a way forward.......draining, however felt lovely helping the couple as I shed a tear on their behalf. Glasgow was interesting, the 1st day was a generic 'communication' workshop, it felt a little like a busmans holiday. ON the 2nd morning, Susan and I filled in the workbook at breakfast - I ended up crying, I realised my triggers a while ago and I felt able to release them.I now know if I discuss how Alfie's death affected my loved ones, I lose it. It's as though I've become immune to my own 'story' but not how painful it was for others. When I think of how hard it was for my mum and dad it kills me. The sunday workshop was very emotional for the other women, however I went into mode and felt nothing, other than empathy for the woman sharing her babies story with me. The outcome of the day for me was the desire to advocate on behalf of mums who've lost a during her next pregnancy and to help with the communication with the hospital. We also discussed the lack of support in parenting after loss, and we were encouraged to talk about our Tuesday club at the scottish network day. I wonder if we need to talk to national sands about what we can all do to help mums and dads with parenting.

sands days

Sometimes weeks go by without much thought of sands and other times it feels like it is my life. I had a support meeting on friday night and listened to my wonderful friend tell her lovely son Callan's story, which was emotional....Monday I talked to 20 midwives and students about the role of sands in the journey of baby loss. It felt great to feel as though our story might actually have an impact on the way they think in the future, the way other parents and babies are treated and the way a woman is treated in subsequent pregnancies. That's my big thing - I know we can't bring the babies back, but we can insure the next pregnancy is as easy as possible - no repetition of story, the same faces to deal with, control over decisions and so on. Of course it also felt good to express the pride I felt in my son, that event hough he was dead I still wanted skin to skin, I wanted to see him - I'd spent 9 months imagining what he looked like, how he would feel, smell.....paradoxically I was both excited and frightened of seeing him. I knew my hello would also be a goodbye. Monday night I had a sands committee meeting and discussed many things that we can do to improve the services we offer, this resulted in me getting back on the email to our local MSP. I spent a while thinking recently about what I want for my role in sands and came to the decision whilst chatting with mum that I would like to be an advocate for parents who have experienced stillbirth. If I can influence the way doctors, midwives, health visitors treat us then I know Alfie's legacy will be fulfilled. He is the reason other mums are being treated with kindness and consideration, therefore his far too short existence has had a tangible purpose. I spoke with my health visitor on Tuesday and discussed what sands does, so I am now delivering some training to her 'cluster group' of surgeries, she didn't even know to contact us if she had to help a bereaved parent!!!! My friend Susan and I are now booked on to the sands befrienders training course, we will officially be able to help bereaved parents. Phew, I also started reading 'they were still born' thanks for the tip Jeanette. And finally last night I watched 'one born every minute' which showed a woman having a live birth after a stillbirth, I felt strangely detached......not sure how I felt about it - had anticipated feeling very emotional possibly built myself up for it, but then when you've experienced it for real watching someone else isn't too hard. On weeks like this, I think I appreciate all that Alfie has given me - my wonderful sands friends, my relationship with my mum and dad and most of all my husband and darling kids we brought home - without whom life seems impossible. had Alfie not gone before they wouldn't exist - a thought that is nothing short of terrifying. From the shadows of my darkest moments comes the light of my babies smiles xxxx

tough one, it's a ben and jerry's night

Today was hard, Archie is going through some weird phase - he is tired a lot and it's making him cranky. He's quite hard work as it is, and Miss P isn't sleeping more than 3 hrs in a row (since she was born 7 months ago). it's one of the times where I would turn to my sands mums for support - only they can understand that having lost a child one still becomes exhausted being a parent - of course I wouldn't change it for the world, however as a 'lost' parent am I not meant to appreciate every minute????? Bollox I'm only human, I have the right to feel as all parents feel, surely I'm not to be robbed of that too??? However, as all parents feel guilt is ours worse? who will ever know. Tuesday club my solace, was hellish today because Archie was soooo tired, he is such a handful I couldn't blether to the girls and I worry that he'll never 'behave'. Just have to enjoy the B&J's, relax and start again tomorrow. He is the most adorable, loving wee man - just a tad hyper when in company LOL x

sadie's 1st sit

my wee darling Sadie sat for the 1st time a few days ago...... not my teeny girl anymore. She has also started baby led weaning which she is loving, I love it too - she looks so adorable snacking on 'big people' food. I am loving the BLW so low stress, after weaning archie in the traditional way, where I obsessed about his daily intake and worried if I was doing everything properly. I'm sure most parents react like this with their 1st baby, but after burying a child it makes me think am I more uptight. NO, how lovely to realise that with Sadie I'm much more relaxed

the things people say.

at a recent hairdressers appointment my lovely hairdresser who has been doing my hair for 40years....that in itself is scary! was telling the wee old lady next to me (it's a teeny old salon no music, just the one stylist) who was waiting on her taxi all about me. We discussed the usual kids stories, breastfeeding, weaning, birth etc - i was actually enjoying having a wee blether and for once i never mentioned Alfie (not because i was denying him, or ashamed - just didn't feel the need, i also thought this woman is from an era when infant loss SB was more common) however my hairdresser said "she lost her first baby" I'm thinking her we go - start the freak show, here's the woman who lost a baby. then she said " died inside her and the she had to have it" I almost screamed IT! he was my son, not some foreign object.........I know she was trying to be nice and not forget about that part of my life, she went on to say how amazing i am and how far I've come and all the stuff I do for sands etc - BUT big BUT it made me think, is that how everyone who hasn't lost a child thinks of our babies? Is that how i would feel if Alfie had survived and i heard about a SB baby?

so many unanswerable questions....