48-366 happy to be en famille - warning sad content

Today was Uncle Jim's funeral. It was so sad to see my Dad hurting, and all the others in the family.

The service was gentle and touching - but death is always hard no matter age or stage, most of the time people leave loved ones behind and in doing so leave a legacy. One takes comfort in the knowledge that Jim left behind people who loved him, who will continue to miss him and think of him - ultimately continue to love him.

Funny thing that, loving someone who is no longer with us, you would think it fades over time - in my experience the pain of losing them fades but the love doesn't.

Loss is only tolerable due to love.

I fought hard during the service to focus on  Jim, my dad, auntie Jean and Gran - however, I was drawn back to Alfie a number of times. It is so hard not to - I am my own frame of reference. I'm sure everyone thinks of all the people they have lost at funerals, I'm sure my Gran stood thinking about standing in the same spot at my Granda's funeral.

I know people think that 'sands' mums go on too much about losing our babies, however it is tough as death is all we have to remind us of them, no happy moments, laughter, joy, nothing - just the stark reality of loss. I endeavour to remember the moments of happiness during my pregnancy with Alfie and of course in a paradoxical way I was happy to meet him even if I knew it was also our final and first meeting in one.

This has turned into a ramble - not what I had initially intended tonight.

What with losing Jim and Grandma Marion dying we are surrounded by it, it is hard not to dwell.

I struggled to think of a photo for today, I wanted to take a photo of my lovely family, but never got a chance.......and as this post had turned into Alfie wee mans i think I'll do a photo for him.

I feel I need to explain myself - I know many people have photos of their wee ones online, on facebook, up on walls in the house and have countless photos of their graves. I've always felt mixed about this and I'm never sure why? I guess prior to losing Alfie I would have been truly horrified at the thought of a dead baby photo or a grave, however I know that's all we have. So I am bravely putting up a picture of Alfie's  grave on his anniversary this year.

Leaving a red (his absolute favourite colour) balloon for his big brother.

 

I decided not to re read or edit this post so apologies if it is macabre and a mess xxxx

44-366 happy to help

Today has been so odd, due to Archie feeling so poorly we've been in that fog of illness. Napping at weird times, not actually achieving much except keeping the kids calm and well.
Tonight I had a Sands meeting so I was able to escape the sanatorium our house has become. It was lovely to see my friends and also to think I'm doing some good. My time for sands is the time I would have spent doing stuff for Alfie. I really hope we are doing some good, sometimes it feels we can't move forward and we have so many things we want to do. I guess sadly, so long as people are still losing babies I know we will still be there to support them which is the main thing. I know without the warmth and support I received when Alfie died my process of grief would have been harder and longer. I only hope that people feel the same when they find us. I've said it a number of times before, however it does make me feel as though Alfie died for a reason - his legacy is that I can help other parents who suffer. A hard and bitter pill to swallow - but over 4 years later it does make me happy to think I can help.
My wee man didn't die in vain

If grief came with a manual.........

it would read - once box is opened, it can never be closed again.

Step one - How one deals with this fact is entirely personal. Some of us mourn publicly loudly for a long time - others quietly and quickly and then pick up the pieces and 'move on'.

When Alfie died, I was horrified at the idea that one day I would be one of those women whose life is consumed with loss. Who wears jewellery with their child's name around their neck, publicly announcing my child died(i opted for a more subtle bracelet with his tiny photo and a lock of his hair), I have a teeny teeny photo in our house which unless you looked carefully you'd never see.
I never wanted to deny my boy, however he is mines and lives in my heart - I don't need to look at his photo - nor wear a t-shirt that says 'angel mummy'.  I rarely put up a facebook status about Alfie, except on his anniversary and in babyloss week, I know that might seem cold in comparison to other mums who post constantly but I feel happy with my way.
That is not to say, those who do go down this route of mourning are any better or any worse than me - it's simply a means of survival and what works best for one.

Of late my life has been consumed by sands and hence I feel I have become one of those mums who lives and breathes bereavement, how did I get here?
I was the positive one, the one who wouldn't be defined by my loss - I wanted to be much more than that 'women who lost her baby'. I fear in some eyes that's what I've become - this is not the case, as such life goes in waves...right now I'm in a sands phase, which will hopefully settle and my other more 'normal' life will return,. By normal I mean my normal - because really what is normal? What the majority do? What my peers do? who the hell knows what to do when a baby dies, who the hell really knows what to do when anyone dies - whether expected or unexpected one is never prepared for the harsh stark reality of loss. The curse of the human condition.


Step two - it's a continual learning curve.
Every time I think I've got it nailed something else comes up! I dot along in my cosy bubble loving my children I hold in my arms and loving the child I hold in my heart. I am surrounded by other mums who've lost a baby and it has become second nature to 'chat' about our wee ones, both living and lost.......HOW on earth did I not realise that others just don't want to hear that? One forgets that my 'normal' isn't everyone else's - I always thought/hoped one of the positive things about losing Alfie was that it had made me a more compassionate person - yikes, maybe not. When did I become so self-absorbed I forgot about others feelings.....

Thing is, it doesn't consume me, I very rarely cry anymore ( maybe I should, rather than this once a year malarky, which is all consuming and exhausting), and never chat about him at work or with boob club mums. I no longer need to scream out 'I LOST MY BABY' quietly inside while others are chatting about their live children. This is partly due to time and my darlings who I can cuddle and love daily. I know Alfie is with me in memory and that's enough now. The rawness has most certainly subsided - however like Karma, grief come back to bite you on the as. Just when life is dotting along the bubble bursts and it all comes rushing back. Grief is hard enough without feeling judged about the way one copes and survives through it - see we really do need a manual - then no one would be offended or hurt, there is plenty enough of that being doled out by life in general.

Step 3 - find a way to survive it. This can change regularly, however it is easier to go with ones emotions (in my opinion) as opposed to bottling them up.
I am a talker and an obssesser - or as my mum would say 'a dog with a bone', hmmm wonder where that comes from mum?
When Alfie died I talked about him non stop, it was all I could do to make him seem real, otherwise those 9months didn't really happen. I realise I am a very open person and much prefer to deal with things head on, I always assume the best in people and think 'talking' can solve the worlds problems - well that's what I tell my school kids - how can I preach peace to them and not firmly believe negotiation is the best way forward. Duh, Clare you live in a naive idealistic world, you'd think by 40 I'd have sussed that one out!

 Step 4 - always always use any emotional situation to make you become a better person.

Although I over analyse everything - and hmm truthfully nothing sometimes I try to come up with a positive spin on situations, again a teaching ideology. How, can one become a better person if they don't improve and learn from their mistakes?  Of late I seem to be offending everyone with my ways of dealing with grief - so I am taking it all on board and adjusting accordingly. I will endeavor to be more sensitive to others feelings and emotions, I will not discuss my loss publicly, I have this blog to help me if I need to ponder on my wee man. The good thing is all these new realisations will help me and others, so that can't be a bad thing.


Last and final step (so far, as I'm sure I'll struggle and learn about how to cope with my loss for the rest of my days)
You can not quantify grief, nor can one type of loss be any worse or any better than another. 
Losing a person who is loved, wanted, cherished cared for is hard regardless of gestation of pregnancy, how many minutes the child lived, how many years you've rasied and nurtured your child or how many years you've loved and shared life with that person -  it is irrelevant the gaping massive hole they left is the same size and all the dealing/coping/surviving in the world ain't gonna ever fill it back up - that's the shitty reality.
How we deal with the reality of the loss is what makes it different and, as I said above we must all do what it takes to get through, whilst hopefully not hurting anyone in the process.



And so......I feel better after articulating all of that - I hope this helps others to understand my process of dealing with grief and helps them deal with theirs. Big love to all, xxxx

Only a day has passed and already I can see the benefit of being able to say this wee mans name every week. Bonus is he seems a nice wee boy, cheeky chappy but bright and kind, the things I would have wanted for my Alfie. That poor boy isn't ever going to know how significant he's been or will become in the process of learning to live without my child.
I spoke with some of of my wonderful sands mums tonight and the supportive, nutters at knitwits - in fact I say spoke hmmm actually cried for ages......we all agreed, one only ever learns to live without your child up to a point. After that it is just the harsh shitty painful reality of loss, nothing can fill the void. Life goes on, new babies come along (if your lucky), day to day life continues, you heal from the shock of the loss - the wide open raw pain, but then the longterm loss sets in, you know that it isn't going to get any better than this, its just a way of life to be dealt with, some days dealt with better than others. Yet, every day without fail I think of my boy - now more of what would have been, what kind of person he would be? It's hard to believe its been nearly 4 years since I've seen him, held him, smelt him.......... my mind plays tricks, some days he is seems like a vague dream I once had, others it feels like I saw him last week.
This time of year is forever my Alfie season, fall/autumn....summer fades and I start to re live the significant dates leading up to his death. I know his anniversary will be beautiful, a day filled with unadulterated thoughts of him - a liminal phase, where real life stops so I can give some time just to Alfie. It's the build up that sucks. My closest sands mums all lost their wee ones round about the same time of year, so we all start to feel fragile and vulnerable together, although I would never wish the pain of babyloss on anyone, I am truly grateful for these woman in my life, without whom my diffcult journey would have been lonely, with them it is filled with love, encouragement, support, genuine friendship - and not to forget the chance to talk freely about our wee ones without judgement or others morbid curiosity, or even worse the rolling of eyes speaking a million 'isn't she over it yet', or 'here she goes again  on about her depressing life'. Hell we even laugh and indulge ourselves every now and again - Dakota here we came ladies xxxx

lists

Things I've learnt while on maternity leave.
1. Sleep when you can.
2. Time moves too too quickly.
3. How to bake, cakes, cookies, meringues.
4. How to make Jam, strawberry and raspberry.
5. How to sew, beautiful dresses for Sadie and recently cool trousers for Archie - photos to follow.
6. How to multi-task. 
7. How important the woman are in my life, Sands mums, knitwits, boob clubs mums, my mum and Auntie Momo - all helped, supported and made this last year a great journey - helping me learn how to be a mum, thanks xxx
8. Life is beautiful.
My favourite Sadie things 
1. She takes her tata out her mouth, puts it in mine and then helps herself to a boob feed.
2. She makes a funny face on cue.
3. Her nonplussed face when she stands and we all get excited.
4. when she puts her arms infront of her and cozzies in for a cuddle.
5. How she pulls her brothers curls.
6. The cheeky smile when she knows she isn't meant to go into the kitchen cupboard, but does it anyway.
7. Her first few words, Mama, Dada, tata and Ta.
8. Maude getting a Kissey face in the morning and a pat on the back. 
My favourite Archie things
  1. 'Mummys leetil baby' 
2. Say mama Haha, say dada Haha.
3. Sleeping in his teepee instead of his bed, with 'mummy's blankie' - our old mattress protecter.
4. 'What you dooie?' 
5. 'Where that car goey?' 
6. That he strokes his arms to help soothe himself to sleep - but would rather stroke mine.
7. His sheer delight when he sees me, although his delight in sitting on me as opposed to a chair has resulted in many bruises.
8. A wee 'boob' feed before bed while fighting with sister over which boob is whose!

I return to work tomorrow and clearly feel the need to record these moments.....I worry I'll lose touch with my lovelies, leaving them - I know they'll be with there dad or grandmama and granda, but it's not ME!
Finally my darling Alfie boy, each transition into a 'new phase' takes me a step further away from you wee man. 4years is a long time darling, lots has happened and all down to you. Four years ago at this time mummy was so excited about starting her new job, getting ready for you coming - a world full fo possibilties. Little did I know what a different outcome we would have, not raising you was never one of those possibitlies. In a different world I would be taking you to Nursery tomorrow, instead I dream of  what you would have been.............................sweet dreams to all my loves xxx

end of an era

sitting at my desk eating lunch, no wee ones begging food or shouting at me wanting joo joo. shit its tough know its 2weeks till i come back and only for 3 days a week till Easter but it is v definitely the beginning of the end of my life as a ft mummy. so sad, fir some reason it is making me v sad about alfie boy, life moving so quickly - he time with me feels such a long time ago.also aware that ft work is with me now for the foreseeable future.....no more playground boob club Tuesday club, gonna miss my sands girls too much. life is tough. i think i'm mourning the loss of alfie again because the kids are no longer babies and we are having no more babies....no longer in a baby phase which will forever be connected to my 1st baby, who never got to grow up

sands charity

Fife sands was nominated to be sainsbury's local charity by someone who has never experienced child loss directly. This in itself was a great honor, however we also got down to the last 3 - I had to go into the store and talk to the colleague council about our work. For some reason when I told them a very very brief outline of or story I cried....when I said 2hrs later they came back and he was dead' normally I never cry at that point. Anyhow we never won - 5 points too short. However they are giving us bag pack day and a fun day.......I think I might ask them to put u a banner around the national AGM also. After the talk I went with Mum to the cemetry - I cried again most unlike me! I think Im just a little burnt out - feeding Sadie for almost a year and never having more than 3 hrs sleep is taking its toll. I have a wee infection in my nose also - all contributing to a very tired and emotional mummy - Oh yes also dealing with staffing issues at work. I am craving some clare time not too sleep, to be - read or knit or sew or listen to the radio....... Feels shitty to complain however I am human and although I know the pain of being without a much wanted child I can still be me right? I can still want time for myself?

Been a while......

I've really missed writing our wee blog, but life has been hectic. Last weekend I went to Aberdeen to the SANDS Scottish network day, it was really interesting, The Child Bereavement charity did a presentation, it was fantastic.We met some great people and found some useful resources. The most exciting thing for me, is that I'm to be a media representative for sands in Scotland, I'll get some training - thank goodness. Finally I get to use my big gob and love of my own voice for something so worthwhile! On monday I did my parents story at the hospitals training that I had fought hard to be put in place - I stayed for the training and also found it interesting, I still think we can do a better job, more interactive and more use of bereaved parents, it was suggested we have a fathers story in the future. I asked Pug and to my surprise, he said he would do it.

My wee mini Haha is coming on as you can see she spends her time pulling herself up in furniture and then getting stuck and frustrated.....so I spend my days moving her around from chair to table to highchair etc. She does fit the wee converse....she did have 2 on today, she just managed to pull one off. She is so dinky - her lovely bows and anchors top is a 3-6 months and still long in the arms. Archie doodle is talking non-stop now, although I am still his main interpreter, he did spontaneously say 'i love you' last week - I had a tear, my beautiful babies. All this sands activity only makes me realise more just how blessed I am to have 2 adorable babies to care for, watch grow and love. My darling Alfie - missed and thought of daily, without him - we wouldn't be the family we are. Thank you my wee star xxx

at times like these

"It's a happy life, but someone is missing. It's a happy life, and someone is missing." ....Elizabeth McCracken, An Exact Replica Of a Figment Of My Imagination

tough one, it's a ben and jerry's night

Today was hard, Archie is going through some weird phase - he is tired a lot and it's making him cranky. He's quite hard work as it is, and Miss P isn't sleeping more than 3 hrs in a row (since she was born 7 months ago). it's one of the times where I would turn to my sands mums for support - only they can understand that having lost a child one still becomes exhausted being a parent - of course I wouldn't change it for the world, however as a 'lost' parent am I not meant to appreciate every minute????? Bollox I'm only human, I have the right to feel as all parents feel, surely I'm not to be robbed of that too??? However, as all parents feel guilt is ours worse? who will ever know. Tuesday club my solace, was hellish today because Archie was soooo tired, he is such a handful I couldn't blether to the girls and I worry that he'll never 'behave'. Just have to enjoy the B&J's, relax and start again tomorrow. He is the most adorable, loving wee man - just a tad hyper when in company LOL x

beloved child

The day before Alfie died - a sunday, Pug went down the town alone. When he came home he'd bought me a wee pressie, my 1st kokeshi doll. She is beautiful red and cream, very simple, hand carved and named 'beloved child'. I was so emotional when he gave it to me, we had been having a rough time in our relationship, he was over worked and i was nervously awaiting the birth of our 1st child and anxious about all that that entails.
How strange to think that within 24hrs of receiving the 'beloved child' our beloved child would be dead?

2 years later 'beloved child' is sitting on my desk at work and i use her in a lesson, i am telling the kids about kokeshi dolls and there significance re 1,000 paper cranes and Sadako Sasaki. I wonder if i will always feel the need to insert stories of my Alfie into my day to day life. I know the kids in school all know I lost my 1st baby and many have appreciated my candor and have come to me with similar stories of loss. I also feel it is good for children to be aware of lives frailty.

the things people say.

at a recent hairdressers appointment my lovely hairdresser who has been doing my hair for 40years....that in itself is scary! was telling the wee old lady next to me (it's a teeny old salon no music, just the one stylist) who was waiting on her taxi all about me. We discussed the usual kids stories, breastfeeding, weaning, birth etc - i was actually enjoying having a wee blether and for once i never mentioned Alfie (not because i was denying him, or ashamed - just didn't feel the need, i also thought this woman is from an era when infant loss SB was more common) however my hairdresser said "she lost her first baby" I'm thinking her we go - start the freak show, here's the woman who lost a baby. then she said " died inside her and the she had to have it" I almost screamed IT! he was my son, not some foreign object.........I know she was trying to be nice and not forget about that part of my life, she went on to say how amazing i am and how far I've come and all the stuff I do for sands etc - BUT big BUT it made me think, is that how everyone who hasn't lost a child thinks of our babies? Is that how i would feel if Alfie had survived and i heard about a SB baby?

so many unanswerable questions....

Tuesday Club

When Alfie died I met a few other mums who had recently lost babies, these women have become central to my life - existence, without them I'd be a basket case.

Originally we all met for lunch once a week, however as our families grew and we evolved into a larger group we started to meet weekly in the park - the kids could run around, we could chat and it was free!

A few of us are on the committee of our local sands and decided there was a gap in the support we offer, so Ta da we started an official tuesday club.
It is very much in its infancy, we meet every tuesday in a local church hall and it is open to anyone who has lost a baby and is officially part of sands.......peer support, cuddles, help through parenting, help through anniversaries.
This wee club is something I am so proud of, I remember the 1st few months of being a mum to a live child, it was filled with wonder, love, bewilderment and fear, all exacerbated by the fact that I'd buried on baby already and let's face it I was terrified I'd have to do it again.
So, TC is my little haven, and a place i know i can help others find comfort and some 'normality'.
parenting when you have a lost a child is different and it's ok to say that, it's also ok to feel 'normal' parent feelings too........ but i'll deal with that later!