a whole year....how life changes

Sadie darling opening her 1st bday card from GG

Eating her cake although she was mostly interested in the strawberries! hmmm she's been off her food all day, maybe finally teeth are on there way?

A lovely dolly from granma- we noticed a few weeks ago how much she is loving faces, she really responds and gets all giggly. She was v cute with her dollies - chatting away to them. Auntie Monica got her to dance , arms flying, bum shaking, much like her mummy. Sadie my love, when your older and you look back on this - know you and Airch are the best thing I've ever done - thank you for all the smiles, dribbly kisses and total adoration I recieve from you. Nothing beats or comes close to it. I think of your big brother on our special days and wonder what he would be doing in our wee life? in our picture? A wee hand missing from our plate today.....never far from mumas thoughts and always in her heart. One day when your all grown up muma will explain to you....... I feel sad and guilty that on your special days mumma has a wee tear for your brother, but know this never alters the love I have for you - in fact if anything it has made me love and appreciate you more, another gift from your big brother.So wee one, my mini Haha - you'll just have to put up with mums blue moments - it'll be out weighed by the enormous affection you receive constantly. xxxxx to all my babies earthside and otherwise

sands charity

Fife sands was nominated to be sainsbury's local charity by someone who has never experienced child loss directly. This in itself was a great honor, however we also got down to the last 3 - I had to go into the store and talk to the colleague council about our work. For some reason when I told them a very very brief outline of or story I cried....when I said 2hrs later they came back and he was dead' normally I never cry at that point. Anyhow we never won - 5 points too short. However they are giving us bag pack day and a fun day.......I think I might ask them to put u a banner around the national AGM also. After the talk I went with Mum to the cemetry - I cried again most unlike me! I think Im just a little burnt out - feeding Sadie for almost a year and never having more than 3 hrs sleep is taking its toll. I have a wee infection in my nose also - all contributing to a very tired and emotional mummy - Oh yes also dealing with staffing issues at work. I am craving some clare time not too sleep, to be - read or knit or sew or listen to the radio....... Feels shitty to complain however I am human and although I know the pain of being without a much wanted child I can still be me right? I can still want time for myself?

tough one, it's a ben and jerry's night

Today was hard, Archie is going through some weird phase - he is tired a lot and it's making him cranky. He's quite hard work as it is, and Miss P isn't sleeping more than 3 hrs in a row (since she was born 7 months ago). it's one of the times where I would turn to my sands mums for support - only they can understand that having lost a child one still becomes exhausted being a parent - of course I wouldn't change it for the world, however as a 'lost' parent am I not meant to appreciate every minute????? Bollox I'm only human, I have the right to feel as all parents feel, surely I'm not to be robbed of that too??? However, as all parents feel guilt is ours worse? who will ever know. Tuesday club my solace, was hellish today because Archie was soooo tired, he is such a handful I couldn't blether to the girls and I worry that he'll never 'behave'. Just have to enjoy the B&J's, relax and start again tomorrow. He is the most adorable, loving wee man - just a tad hyper when in company LOL x