232-35 last precious days of summer

This last few days have been lovely, albeit filled with concern over my return to work. I have tried to push it to the back of my mind and until today have done pretty well......

Thursday we went to Edinburgh to let the kids see the madness of the festival, and mad it was! Try getting down the high st with 2 exhausted children a pram and not get annoyed with the enthusiasm of the performers thrusting flyers into my face, deep breathe and relax!!!  Actually considering the hectiness of it, we had a really lovely day. St Andrews sq was a big hit, sandpit and east links farm, so both Sadie and Archie were happy, sand and tractors what a combo.

We met Auntie Iny in the gardens, then walked round castle terrace to the high st - Archie fascinated by the castle, Sadie a little overwhelmed.
Then a stop for a cuppa at Saint Arbucks...mmmm I know on some levels I shouldn't love it but I do, my total guilty pleasure, blended decaf carmel mm mmm so glad we don't have one in kdy.

Archie enjoying his hot choc, the offending article in the foreground and Auntie Iny's cheeky wee Pimms.

We, planted Kale for winter soup.

We had our last visit on Friday to Busy Bee's - tomorrow the kids are totally flying solo - after the visit we went to Momo's - Archie and Momo mowed the lawn, and washed the car - He loves helping, I love that he is kept busy.....

Sadie and I enjoyed hanging out in the sun - Yes she does have her legs inside my top, that girl wants to be a 'wee joey' all the day long.


I am so apprehensive about returning to work the morn, I know in a few weeks we will be rolling with the sitch, but right now it feels exhausting. Shit, I'm no the only working mum and I am only doing 2.5 days, but it seems massive right now. I am reminded of last year at this time when I returned to work.

So this years lists.

Sadie.
My darling girl how you've grown. From a few words to non stop chatter.
1. Mummy 'why did you.....e.g. throw that on the floor'. Sadie 'Cause I am'
2. You still lvoe mummies boobies more than anything in your whole world.
3. You use mummies behaviour tactics with Archie... Sadie 'get up Archie, I count 1, 2, 3,'
4. Your hair looks like Muffin Mclays in the morning and you smell awesome when you wake up.
5. You insist your name is Sadie Moocher.
6. You love all things sparkly
7. Strawberries are you favourite food.
8. You don't have to wear a nappy anymore during the day
9 You call strawberry milk 'charlie milk' and have to help me make it every morning

Archie
My beautiful son, your sheer joy from the world brings me daily pleasure.
1. From a boy who said a few words last year at this time, you seriously never stop talking. Last night you asked me to sing you to sleep to stop your brain from asking questions....I hope this means your gonna be a smart cookie.
2. You love all things diggers and trains, so much so I might even go to diggerland Durham for a holiday!
3. You look like Hairy Maclary all day with your mad crazy scruffy hair.
4. You are so kind, I love catching you helping you sister out, even if you want to 'get rid of Sadie, because she doesn't follow the rules' - this from my freewheeling free spirited son Hmmmm
5. You love Pizza, hot dogs and cheese - most of all ice cream and sweeties.
6. Bob the builder and danger diggers at work are your fave TV shows.
7. Mrs Ewan from nursery is your best friend and you want to marry her.
8. You want to see daddy at a gig.
9. you still love to stroke mummy to go to sleep at night.

And finally, my never forgotten wee'st man Alfie. In a few days time you would be starting school, I very rarely go down the route of what you would be doing, school is a biggie not to be missed. As each year passes you are still remembered, most recently your brother is fascinated by your and saddened that he doesn't have a brother to play with....... your always in my thoughts wee man, I will think of you and imagine a wee curly haired boy off to school on Tue morning...kisses from mumma

231 -glorious sunshine....inside and out

We had a lovely day today.
The amazing sun and the warmth it brings has such a positive affect on us all. The kids were so happy pottering about in the garden, Archie wanted a 'lazy day', I did manage however to persuade him to go to nursery. We had the most lovely walk round, Archie took his tractor and managed to ride it most of the way there and Sadie wanted to walk. I wised I'd taken my camera she looked so adorable trotting along with her backpack on, our neighbour commented that it looked like a parachute it was so big on her. Mini spent the whole journey saying 'my school is busy bees', she is so grown up and independent it frightens me, where has my wee one gone?

Archie asked again this morning about his brother and where we put him, so as it was such a gorgeous day we all went up to the grave. Pugs, myself, the kids and mum and dad all went, we left beautiful sunflowers for Alfie and brought one home for us to remind us of him when we are away from him. I sat on the grass in front of the stone with Archie on my lap and explained that Alfie was below us, but is was only his bones left, Grandma showed him Alfie's name on the stone and pointed out that they have the same second name. He seemed pretty mellow about it, he did ask on the way there if we were digging him up!!! Luckily he forgot all about that request once at the cemetery.
A moment filled with such mixed emotions, I did have a wee tear in my eye as we sat there, so so so grateful, beyond words to be holding my lovely boy, feeling his warmth the smell of his hair and listening to his nonsense chatter and yer overwhelmed with sadness that I never got the chance to know Alfie, that as time goes on I feel sad in a empty feeble way. I know some people will disagree with the way we raise our kids and of course it is all coloured by the loss of our first born, yes I probably do indulge them  emotionally more than I should, but can anyone love a child too much! As for our way of including Alfie and making him a part of our family, I feel we have the balance right. I am always firm with Archie that we are not sad anymore, and that we have him and Sadie to love...I don't want the kids to grow up in the shadow of an older dead sibling, however I do feel it is important that they understand the cycle of life. Shit, I always remember thinking that losing a pet was such a great experience for kids, one less thing I have to worry about since our experienced death from the get go - I hope it only increases their emotional abilities and makes them rounder warmer and more compassionate individuals - One can  always dream for the best for their children.

229-230 calm after another storm

This is what I needed, actually it is what we both needed. Archie in his 'natural' habitat.

After Sunday's emotional eve and another hellish bedtime drama, both Archie and I were shattered and tense on monday morning - Yikes, not a good combo.
We went as has been our holiday routine to just kiddin - an ideal place for the kids to run around and for me to try and grab a cuppa and a blether with pals. Oh no, not today. Archie was nip nip nippy from getting up and by the time we reached JK he was high hyper hypedog! I caught him pushing a wee girl over on the bouncy castle, he got a row and was told to apologise - at which point some otehr mother said he'd been hitting two other kids. Phew, I should have read the signs and left- but no, overtired and tense I gave him a wee cuddle talked about behaving well and then stupidly encouraged him to go chase Oliver on the play structure, he went belting off and pushed his way past all the other kids, I could see he was grabbing Sadie to get her out the way and was enroute to try and diffuse sitch, when some woman shouted to one of the employees - "sort it out, that he's bullying all the other" bairns! Oh Oh Lady, you picked the wrong mum on the wrong day - It's his sister I'll deal with it......I then took Archie away - well grabbed him by arm and frogmarched him past all other tables of glaring mums (that is the response they wanted isn't it? I really wanted to hug him and say what's up wee man, how come your being so mean - its no like you), I shouted at the woman 'I think bullying is taking it a bit far' so not like me to be confrontational, but hackles up and hating anyone saying that about my boy I couldn't stop myself. I am the first to admit he is a wee nutter, he gets hugely overexcited and when tired can be nothing short of annoying, however Bullying at 3yrs old come one, he was pushing other kids not holding them up in a corner and punching them...... I cried when I got to my folks house, i hated my reaction to her and I hated that I let Archie down and didn't read the signs.....

So, today my wonderful pal Susan bundled us all in her car and drove us to Bee craigs country park - one word awesome.

The kids loved it, I loved it - fresh air, woods, water an amazing playground, picnics good chat and crochet in the car, BLISS.

Thanks Susan, your a star - xxx

Archie and I had a fascinating chat this am about where Alfie's skin was. He has obviously been thinking about it and made the connection that if he is dead an no longer here then his body must be somewhere. I explained to him about Alfie being buried, I take him to the grave regularly to leave flowers and tidy up but I have never explained in detail about Alfie's body......to be truthful it is something I struggled with initially. I can handle the dry bones idea - which is what I told Archie, however I do struggle with the decomp stage. For a long time I couldn't settle when there knowing he was underneath me......as I say the bones don't freak me out, so I am much easier with it now.
Archie seemed to be ok with our chat, poor guy I wonder how much time he spends dwelling on it and whether he is bothered by it or not, he seems pretty matter of fact about it all  - wish I could say the same.

227 + 228 stormy sunday

Yikes the rain today has been crazy,  stormy apocalyptic at one point. We were driving and Archie started chatting about badgers coming out.......realised it was because he thought it was night time, it was actually about the midday!



We had planned to go pick berries at Craigies after a wee trip to the carbootie, rain put paid to those plans, so we went to Ikea. We did manage a wee quick nip round the carboot first. Happy days, Archie got a wee polly pocket Thomas the tank equivalent, Sadie got an awesome senorita dressing up outfit with matching red and black polkadot shoes and I got 3 wee 60's storage tins and an amazing 50's 'arab' doll...with burka!

My dad has made a huge move forward, well I think so anyways - he went to the bank yesterday, yes it is still a regular occurrence, so much so the woman in the bank are now very much aware of the situation. Back to the point, Dad was asking the woman for something and she said sorry not sure  what you mean Mr Strachan can you write it down and he did! He wrote £60 debit on a bit paper and handed it to her. Phew, the 1st time since his stroke he has tried to communicate in writing - if we can get him to use this tool more often life would be so much easier for both him and mum. Most of the issues are due to him becoming irritated about not doing what he wants and poor mum getting upset trying to work out what he wants. I saw her in action again on fri and once again I am in awe of her love and commitment to my dad. Such an inspiration.....must remember that when I'm bitching at Pugs for no cleaning up the hoose!

Emotional storms tonight also, the kids and I had an unsettled bedtime. Every now and then Archie mentions Alfie and we have a wee chat. Tonight he was asking the usual questions - why did he die, did he get any food, will he come back, can I be his new brother etc...I thought I might let the pair of them see inside his memory box. The box sits next to my bed, not I may add for any sentimental reason, simply because I have never found a suitable place for it! I'm sure a psychoanalyst would have a bloody field day wi that reasoning, however it did have a place before we moved the room about and since then I've never found a new one. I showed the kids his hand and foot prints and his wee but hair, I was hoping ti might make them understand a bit better, they also saw a photo of us with Alfie for the 1st time...how weird, Archie said why are you not normal mummy, I was all freaked out and said what do you mean love, thinking he was worried about how sad I looked - nope, he was just confused as to why I had long hair. Not sure if my intentions were a success or not, I'm sure that only time will tell. I feel so ambivalent about the whole issue, how to keep a dead brothers memory alive with kids who've never met him isn't easy - how to make it normal and not freak them out? Another mum balancing act I have yet to achieve!

169-70 the week that lasted forever

Phew, can't believe its only been a week since I last watched some decent tv. I feel like this week has gone on and on and on - Haven't seen dad since Tue as I have a yucky cold and don't want him to catch it. Missing him and Mum.
I have consumed my own body weight in chocolate and carbs this week (hormonal) and I had that meeting at work yesterday (forgot to mention last weeks was cancelled). On the plus side I did manage to run 15K over the week, 7 of them this morning (my longest so far, reckon I'll manage a 10K in sept).
Hoping the run will balance out the batch of these awesome cookies I just made and will probably consume by mon am - back to dietsville I go.

 Meeting was exhausting, I cried the whole way through (certainly not my plan for it!), they seem open if not happy about my reduction in hours, glad I had my union rep with me as he told me I am eligible to reduce my hours for 2 years without losing my ft permanent status, which would be great - hopefully by the with Archie at school and Sadie in nursery it might not be so hectic. Bummer is the childminder I found has now decided to give it up so back to square one then.

No more news re dad coming home other than mum getting the house looked over to see if there are any potential hazards.

Archie and I had one of those conversations today that goes on for hours - clearly means a lot to him and is stuck in his head. We have our annual balloon release for sands tomorrow and I was explaining it to him. He knows about Alfie, we have a wee photo of him on our bedroom dresser and his memory box is next to the bed (the kids look through it occasionally).so it was unexpected today when he go really sad about not having his brother - he asked at least say 50 time show Alfie died, what dead is. I explained about the hypercoiled cord - not sure he got it, he seemed to understand. Tonight we cut up 6 punnets of strawberries to take with us for the picnic and he said these can be Alfie's ones - that will cheer him up. He seems to think Alfie is worried - poor wee guy just doesn't get it. I reassured him we were happy and didn't get sad anymore about Alfie, we just like to remember him on special days - Archie suggested we bake him a cake, maybe we will........that could be our Alfie thing to do and we all love cake.
Bracing myself for a whole Alfie day the morn, Pugs is working so its just me and the wee ones and too many ballooons to release.

111- baby happiness

Antony took wee Mabel into visit dad today, he reached up to touch her. When we were leaving he also, leaned up to give her a kiss and stroked her head.He was the most alert I've seen him today - and tonight although very tired I saw him move his right foot - I told him he'd done it and and he did it again. He also nodded when I asked him if he wanted me to get mum.

All of these signs are so positive, so why is my heart so heavy?

I am so overwhelmed with sadness for the loss of my dad, I know he's in there somewhere but it is pretty far away.

The speech and language therapist told my mum today it would be unlikely that dad will have a fluent conversation again - although that is not to say he will not be able to communicate, however we may have to use makaton or various other methods, I know technology has come on and hope that if he is unable to verbalise he can communicate via computer? Who knows - all so bloody academic right now. Harsh reality check however, hate the idea I can't have a blether with my dad or hear his voice again - luckily he was more of listener than a talker ( not much option in our house)

I am sad because I know how hellish it is going to be explaining to Archie that his Granda can't talk - I'm not sure if previous posts have touched on how my son thinks the sun rises and sets with his Granda, how they have such a close relationship, my mum and dad have looked after Archie since he was 30 weeks old, we lived with them for a few months and never more than a few days goes by without them hanging out. Then I think if this makes me feel shit - how is my poor dad gonna feel when he gets enough cognition to realise the same - one word SHITE!

I know we are not the only family to suffer this tragedy, or the only person to have suffered, but right now its a pretty lonely place and even after all the pain of losing Alfie I still want to scream it not fair - I want my dad.

Doctors tomorrow to see if they can sign me off for a few weeks, I really can't face talking to a room full for 30 kids about some moral issue, or how if one is a good person then life is good - bullshit, I'm angry.

Luckily my wee ones are at this point oblivious to it all, I am remaining calm and fun with them, they are a welcome break from the heartache.
Archie has started to 'race' me to nursery shouting 'I'm being healthy mummy'....I explained to him I was going out running to be healthy LOL not sure he understands the concept but good to get it in his head early I guess.

Sadie is being her sweet self, so gentle and kind. One good thing that has come from Dad's illness is that the kids are spending more time together.

48-366 happy to be en famille - warning sad content

Today was Uncle Jim's funeral. It was so sad to see my Dad hurting, and all the others in the family.

The service was gentle and touching - but death is always hard no matter age or stage, most of the time people leave loved ones behind and in doing so leave a legacy. One takes comfort in the knowledge that Jim left behind people who loved him, who will continue to miss him and think of him - ultimately continue to love him.

Funny thing that, loving someone who is no longer with us, you would think it fades over time - in my experience the pain of losing them fades but the love doesn't.

Loss is only tolerable due to love.

I fought hard during the service to focus on  Jim, my dad, auntie Jean and Gran - however, I was drawn back to Alfie a number of times. It is so hard not to - I am my own frame of reference. I'm sure everyone thinks of all the people they have lost at funerals, I'm sure my Gran stood thinking about standing in the same spot at my Granda's funeral.

I know people think that 'sands' mums go on too much about losing our babies, however it is tough as death is all we have to remind us of them, no happy moments, laughter, joy, nothing - just the stark reality of loss. I endeavour to remember the moments of happiness during my pregnancy with Alfie and of course in a paradoxical way I was happy to meet him even if I knew it was also our final and first meeting in one.

This has turned into a ramble - not what I had initially intended tonight.

What with losing Jim and Grandma Marion dying we are surrounded by it, it is hard not to dwell.

I struggled to think of a photo for today, I wanted to take a photo of my lovely family, but never got a chance.......and as this post had turned into Alfie wee mans i think I'll do a photo for him.

I feel I need to explain myself - I know many people have photos of their wee ones online, on facebook, up on walls in the house and have countless photos of their graves. I've always felt mixed about this and I'm never sure why? I guess prior to losing Alfie I would have been truly horrified at the thought of a dead baby photo or a grave, however I know that's all we have. So I am bravely putting up a picture of Alfie's  grave on his anniversary this year.

Leaving a red (his absolute favourite colour) balloon for his big brother.

 

I decided not to re read or edit this post so apologies if it is macabre and a mess xxxx

47-366 well deserved happiness, cakes, flowers, muddy boots and lots of smiles

Haha's 'cheese' face

Archie and Momo playing with the digger

Filling up the tank  - who would have thought that this child spent the whole of yesterday in bed and had a home visit from the gp!

chasing chickens

Dancing is my new favourite thing to do, which is great because Momo got me the teeniest pair of tap shoes at the charity shop today.

with Momo at the  night time snowdrop walk at Cambo - totally awesome!

Inside a wee wicker hoose

Bibi's after eight cupcake mmmmmmm

Perfect end to a lovely day - Bibi's white choc vanilla cupcake and a huge mug of tea.

This is the result of a packed day - we made up for 5 days of being stuck indoors.

Auntie Momo bought some beautiful snowdrops from Cambo to plant for Alfie at the cemetry - all my babies were thought of today, perfect x

44-366 happy to help

Today has been so odd, due to Archie feeling so poorly we've been in that fog of illness. Napping at weird times, not actually achieving much except keeping the kids calm and well.
Tonight I had a Sands meeting so I was able to escape the sanatorium our house has become. It was lovely to see my friends and also to think I'm doing some good. My time for sands is the time I would have spent doing stuff for Alfie. I really hope we are doing some good, sometimes it feels we can't move forward and we have so many things we want to do. I guess sadly, so long as people are still losing babies I know we will still be there to support them which is the main thing. I know without the warmth and support I received when Alfie died my process of grief would have been harder and longer. I only hope that people feel the same when they find us. I've said it a number of times before, however it does make me feel as though Alfie died for a reason - his legacy is that I can help other parents who suffer. A hard and bitter pill to swallow - but over 4 years later it does make me happy to think I can help.
My wee man didn't die in vain

29-365 Happy green fingers

Horticultural Happiness

Archie and I had an adorable we moment this weekend where I caught him chatting to our orchid, He was holding it in his arms saying 'I'll make you happy, don't worry I know what to do'. He asked me if we could give it some juice to make it feel better and that it was thirsty. So we watered the orchid, he still wasn't happy - I then realised he had expected the stem and flower to be upright, he had thought because it was growing out the way it was unhappy. We had a lovely discussion about different plants and he seemed happy to just have a wee chat to the orchid to make it happy.

That orchid was given to me as a pressie from my cousin Kirsty when Archie was born, it has been great - although it doesn't get the best of care or attention it still powers on. It has been in every room in the house and appears to be quite versatile and not opposed to change or transition (unlike us, I'm hopeless at it - and Archie doesn't even like my new toenails) - I hope to have that Orchid for a long time it appears to want to hang around too. I also hope it brings Archie and I many more wee chats, his questions, interest and general Joie de vivre is a constant reminder of how special and precious our wee family  is. Even a simple morning at home can be filled with moments of joy. Another reason to thank my wonderful kiddos for reminding me how awesome life is. After a 'sands' weekend I feel filled with thoughts of my darling Alfie, adn yet I know now I would never change the way things are,  I consider my two earthside babies a gift to us from their big brother, without him they wouldn't be here and how could I contemplate a life without them? I must accept that things are as they are meant to be, after 4 years of my new life I can't say it is worse than life before Alfie. I do feel overwhelming sadness when I think of the pain and shock we all suffered, of the guilt I felt when seeing my loved ones pain - it has been worth it! Without Alfie I would be less of a person and I would rather have known him as I did than never experienced him at all. I do think it has brought us closer, made us all stronger and for that I thank him - he has filled my life with many gifts.

Not to be outdone, my darling Mini Haha, her chat gets better every day too. Look at that sheer delight on her wee face......x

23-365 tears of happiness

I was planning on writing a post tonight about my amazing friends at Sands as we had a meeting tonight. However, after the meeting blethering in the cold instead of going home....mum said oh when did you lose Alfie's hair (for those of you who don't know I had a beautiful bracelet made when Alfie died, it had a teeny piece of his hair sandwiched between glass in a charm - among others), I told her I lost it on his 4th anniversary just past - She took it out her purse, Sadie had found it on the floor of the church last Sunday. I couldn't believe it, what 8 weeks or more later and she just happened to be crawling around in the same spot I was standing during his mass. Tears of joy and happiness flowed, I thought it was gone forever and had resigned myself to never seeing it again.  It was lovely to hold it again. On reflection, I was happy to see it is obviously a sign of how far I've come - I remember sending his hair off to New York for them to make it, crying in the post office terrified it would get lost in the mail, 4 years later i lose it and although I was sad - it was somehow almost fitting that I lost it on his anniversary and was just another part of him slipping away.......now its back and safe in a drawer, I may well get it remade for his anniversary this year.
Still can't get over that fact that Sadie found it, weird huh?

16-365 My darling man, thanks for all the happy days my love

My lovely man, sad that I struggled to find a photo of him, too busy running after kiddos x

Pugs birthday today, we had a pretty normal working day. At teatime family came over and we had our goldfish cake, not that tasty but the kiddos loved it. Archie only eating the icing in his usual fashion and Sadie eating anything anyone would give her. The pinata was a big hit, although Pug had to tear it open - those things are pretty tough. I guess they are trying to make the kids expend as much energy as possible prior to replacing it with the massive sugar hit. Archie ate so much chocolate Pugs said he was sweating! Peggy had a chocolate induced meltdown when it was time to leave and Sadie had her lovely choco grin.
I mainly wanted to say how happy my Pugs makes me, we have had some seriously rough times together, more than your average couple ever have to go through, yet throughout it all we have been smiling together. Of course we nip each others head over the small mindless shit, but the serious stuff is always solid. No matter the time or circumstance if I am having an Alfie moment he is there, always ready to listen and support me - without him I would be a wreck. I am not usually one for PDA but it is his birthday so he deserves his personal cheerleader spilling it all.

11-365 packages of happiness

Who doesn't love getting a parcel? Not only do I love online shopping because I can lay in bed and shop and avoid crowds/hassle but you get parcels.....Moreover our town is a virtual retail wasteland. Only problem is, if I buy things late at night half asleep then forget A. what I bought, B. worse, that I even bought anything. I like to think of these purchases  as a nice surprise, Pug has other ideas about my late night shopping habits !

Anyway on to today's parcels

Beautiful Ingela paper from Lagom designs - I plan to cover Alfie's memory box with it.

Michael Millers Rocket Rascals fabric, loved this for ages and never had a project, a friend had a wee boy recently and I think this would suit them.

After watching tonight's Mother Know's best - how to be a good mother I feel happy safe in the knowledge that although I could see the benefits and perspectives of all  the women interveiwed I like my shambolic try it and see parenting. I have some quite strong ideas about what I would like for my kids, however nothing as evangelical as tonights mums.
Although you know I'm a fan of a list!
From teaching my higher kids today - Buddha had it right - middle way all the way.

2/365 happy things

Apologies for the awful photos - Every year at xmas my mum and dad buy something for Alfie, this year it was the above, a school starter pack. I love that he is remembered  at xmas along with his brother and sister he also gets a pressie in his memory. I know its coming and yet every year I cry - bitter sweet tears.

XXXXX How awesome to have such an amazing set of parents, Pug and  I are blessed with their support and love.

If grief came with a manual.........

it would read - once box is opened, it can never be closed again.

Step one - How one deals with this fact is entirely personal. Some of us mourn publicly loudly for a long time - others quietly and quickly and then pick up the pieces and 'move on'.

When Alfie died, I was horrified at the idea that one day I would be one of those women whose life is consumed with loss. Who wears jewellery with their child's name around their neck, publicly announcing my child died(i opted for a more subtle bracelet with his tiny photo and a lock of his hair), I have a teeny teeny photo in our house which unless you looked carefully you'd never see.
I never wanted to deny my boy, however he is mines and lives in my heart - I don't need to look at his photo - nor wear a t-shirt that says 'angel mummy'.  I rarely put up a facebook status about Alfie, except on his anniversary and in babyloss week, I know that might seem cold in comparison to other mums who post constantly but I feel happy with my way.
That is not to say, those who do go down this route of mourning are any better or any worse than me - it's simply a means of survival and what works best for one.

Of late my life has been consumed by sands and hence I feel I have become one of those mums who lives and breathes bereavement, how did I get here?
I was the positive one, the one who wouldn't be defined by my loss - I wanted to be much more than that 'women who lost her baby'. I fear in some eyes that's what I've become - this is not the case, as such life goes in waves...right now I'm in a sands phase, which will hopefully settle and my other more 'normal' life will return,. By normal I mean my normal - because really what is normal? What the majority do? What my peers do? who the hell knows what to do when a baby dies, who the hell really knows what to do when anyone dies - whether expected or unexpected one is never prepared for the harsh stark reality of loss. The curse of the human condition.


Step two - it's a continual learning curve.
Every time I think I've got it nailed something else comes up! I dot along in my cosy bubble loving my children I hold in my arms and loving the child I hold in my heart. I am surrounded by other mums who've lost a baby and it has become second nature to 'chat' about our wee ones, both living and lost.......HOW on earth did I not realise that others just don't want to hear that? One forgets that my 'normal' isn't everyone else's - I always thought/hoped one of the positive things about losing Alfie was that it had made me a more compassionate person - yikes, maybe not. When did I become so self-absorbed I forgot about others feelings.....

Thing is, it doesn't consume me, I very rarely cry anymore ( maybe I should, rather than this once a year malarky, which is all consuming and exhausting), and never chat about him at work or with boob club mums. I no longer need to scream out 'I LOST MY BABY' quietly inside while others are chatting about their live children. This is partly due to time and my darlings who I can cuddle and love daily. I know Alfie is with me in memory and that's enough now. The rawness has most certainly subsided - however like Karma, grief come back to bite you on the as. Just when life is dotting along the bubble bursts and it all comes rushing back. Grief is hard enough without feeling judged about the way one copes and survives through it - see we really do need a manual - then no one would be offended or hurt, there is plenty enough of that being doled out by life in general.

Step 3 - find a way to survive it. This can change regularly, however it is easier to go with ones emotions (in my opinion) as opposed to bottling them up.
I am a talker and an obssesser - or as my mum would say 'a dog with a bone', hmmm wonder where that comes from mum?
When Alfie died I talked about him non stop, it was all I could do to make him seem real, otherwise those 9months didn't really happen. I realise I am a very open person and much prefer to deal with things head on, I always assume the best in people and think 'talking' can solve the worlds problems - well that's what I tell my school kids - how can I preach peace to them and not firmly believe negotiation is the best way forward. Duh, Clare you live in a naive idealistic world, you'd think by 40 I'd have sussed that one out!

 Step 4 - always always use any emotional situation to make you become a better person.

Although I over analyse everything - and hmm truthfully nothing sometimes I try to come up with a positive spin on situations, again a teaching ideology. How, can one become a better person if they don't improve and learn from their mistakes?  Of late I seem to be offending everyone with my ways of dealing with grief - so I am taking it all on board and adjusting accordingly. I will endeavor to be more sensitive to others feelings and emotions, I will not discuss my loss publicly, I have this blog to help me if I need to ponder on my wee man. The good thing is all these new realisations will help me and others, so that can't be a bad thing.


Last and final step (so far, as I'm sure I'll struggle and learn about how to cope with my loss for the rest of my days)
You can not quantify grief, nor can one type of loss be any worse or any better than another. 
Losing a person who is loved, wanted, cherished cared for is hard regardless of gestation of pregnancy, how many minutes the child lived, how many years you've rasied and nurtured your child or how many years you've loved and shared life with that person -  it is irrelevant the gaping massive hole they left is the same size and all the dealing/coping/surviving in the world ain't gonna ever fill it back up - that's the shitty reality.
How we deal with the reality of the loss is what makes it different and, as I said above we must all do what it takes to get through, whilst hopefully not hurting anyone in the process.



And so......I feel better after articulating all of that - I hope this helps others to understand my process of dealing with grief and helps them deal with theirs. Big love to all, xxxx

Only a day has passed and already I can see the benefit of being able to say this wee mans name every week. Bonus is he seems a nice wee boy, cheeky chappy but bright and kind, the things I would have wanted for my Alfie. That poor boy isn't ever going to know how significant he's been or will become in the process of learning to live without my child.
I spoke with some of of my wonderful sands mums tonight and the supportive, nutters at knitwits - in fact I say spoke hmmm actually cried for ages......we all agreed, one only ever learns to live without your child up to a point. After that it is just the harsh shitty painful reality of loss, nothing can fill the void. Life goes on, new babies come along (if your lucky), day to day life continues, you heal from the shock of the loss - the wide open raw pain, but then the longterm loss sets in, you know that it isn't going to get any better than this, its just a way of life to be dealt with, some days dealt with better than others. Yet, every day without fail I think of my boy - now more of what would have been, what kind of person he would be? It's hard to believe its been nearly 4 years since I've seen him, held him, smelt him.......... my mind plays tricks, some days he is seems like a vague dream I once had, others it feels like I saw him last week.
This time of year is forever my Alfie season, fall/autumn....summer fades and I start to re live the significant dates leading up to his death. I know his anniversary will be beautiful, a day filled with unadulterated thoughts of him - a liminal phase, where real life stops so I can give some time just to Alfie. It's the build up that sucks. My closest sands mums all lost their wee ones round about the same time of year, so we all start to feel fragile and vulnerable together, although I would never wish the pain of babyloss on anyone, I am truly grateful for these woman in my life, without whom my diffcult journey would have been lonely, with them it is filled with love, encouragement, support, genuine friendship - and not to forget the chance to talk freely about our wee ones without judgement or others morbid curiosity, or even worse the rolling of eyes speaking a million 'isn't she over it yet', or 'here she goes again  on about her depressing life'. Hell we even laugh and indulge ourselves every now and again - Dakota here we came ladies xxxx

Harsh - ouch!!!!

So, 1st day back and 1st lesson, 1st child I spoke to ......
Mrs Williams 'welcome to rmps everyone, hope all well and happy. Lets just go round saying our names so I can write down where you are all sitting. Let's start with you - points to small boy with lovely curly brown hair.
Small boy 'Alfie'...........
Mrs Williams mumbles 'oh, eh, that's a lovely name'.
Lovely wee Alfie with brown curly hair looks at me like I'm off my head!

Isn't is shitey enough that I had to go back to work and leave my babies, that my 'Alfie' stage of life is passing by. It was all i could do not to say, oh I had a wee boy called Alfie who died - I didn't want to pass it by, however I did, of course - poor child doesn't need to know that. He is the 1st child I've come into contact with, I've never met another Alfie, nor heard the name said - not in relation to my Alfie. It's gonna be tough saying it every week in class. I told the ladies in the staffroom and had a wee tear, I think they thought I was nuts.....Sands mums will get the significance of it I'm sure.

Other than that, it was cool. Kids were great, I'm shattered - but I remember now why I love teaching.
I also looked at the kids from a mums perspective for the 1st time. I had a rather odd, awkward wee man in one class, I felt my heart twinge as I saw him, thinking his mum must be wringing her hands at home worrying about him on his 1st day in the big school. Hopefully my new found compassion for the kids will help my teaching.....

lists

Things I've learnt while on maternity leave.
1. Sleep when you can.
2. Time moves too too quickly.
3. How to bake, cakes, cookies, meringues.
4. How to make Jam, strawberry and raspberry.
5. How to sew, beautiful dresses for Sadie and recently cool trousers for Archie - photos to follow.
6. How to multi-task. 
7. How important the woman are in my life, Sands mums, knitwits, boob clubs mums, my mum and Auntie Momo - all helped, supported and made this last year a great journey - helping me learn how to be a mum, thanks xxx
8. Life is beautiful.
My favourite Sadie things 
1. She takes her tata out her mouth, puts it in mine and then helps herself to a boob feed.
2. She makes a funny face on cue.
3. Her nonplussed face when she stands and we all get excited.
4. when she puts her arms infront of her and cozzies in for a cuddle.
5. How she pulls her brothers curls.
6. The cheeky smile when she knows she isn't meant to go into the kitchen cupboard, but does it anyway.
7. Her first few words, Mama, Dada, tata and Ta.
8. Maude getting a Kissey face in the morning and a pat on the back. 
My favourite Archie things
  1. 'Mummys leetil baby' 
2. Say mama Haha, say dada Haha.
3. Sleeping in his teepee instead of his bed, with 'mummy's blankie' - our old mattress protecter.
4. 'What you dooie?' 
5. 'Where that car goey?' 
6. That he strokes his arms to help soothe himself to sleep - but would rather stroke mine.
7. His sheer delight when he sees me, although his delight in sitting on me as opposed to a chair has resulted in many bruises.
8. A wee 'boob' feed before bed while fighting with sister over which boob is whose!

I return to work tomorrow and clearly feel the need to record these moments.....I worry I'll lose touch with my lovelies, leaving them - I know they'll be with there dad or grandmama and granda, but it's not ME!
Finally my darling Alfie boy, each transition into a 'new phase' takes me a step further away from you wee man. 4years is a long time darling, lots has happened and all down to you. Four years ago at this time mummy was so excited about starting her new job, getting ready for you coming - a world full fo possibilties. Little did I know what a different outcome we would have, not raising you was never one of those possibitlies. In a different world I would be taking you to Nursery tomorrow, instead I dream of  what you would have been.............................sweet dreams to all my loves xxx

end of an era

sitting at my desk eating lunch, no wee ones begging food or shouting at me wanting joo joo. shit its tough know its 2weeks till i come back and only for 3 days a week till Easter but it is v definitely the beginning of the end of my life as a ft mummy. so sad, fir some reason it is making me v sad about alfie boy, life moving so quickly - he time with me feels such a long time ago.also aware that ft work is with me now for the foreseeable future.....no more playground boob club Tuesday club, gonna miss my sands girls too much. life is tough. i think i'm mourning the loss of alfie again because the kids are no longer babies and we are having no more babies....no longer in a baby phase which will forever be connected to my 1st baby, who never got to grow up

Meeting Mr Brown

No photo as yet, hoping to get one from the local paper. Pug, myself and the kids all went to sainsburys on friday to collect a cheque on behalf of sands. I wasn't that fussed until the night before when Pug said he wanted to come too and that we were meeting an ex world leader. In the US you'd never get that close to an expresident - so off we all trotted on friday morning. I had expected a quick hand over of the gigantic cheque and a wee photo, but no. Mr Brown came and sat with us and 2 other charities for a wee blether. He was quite genuine and was adorable with Sadie, who loved him and giggled and flirted outrageously. The photographer took a ton of photos, but none in todays paper - I had hoped we'd be in. It seems great for sands - and more importantly for newly bereaved mums to see a mum who has gone on to have live happy babies. SO if nothing comes of it, i'll send a photo and wee blurb to the weekly local paper. I did tell Mr Brown about Alfie and as his wee girl Jennifer died in forth park also I felt some kind of mutual understanding, i suppose. Archie spent the whole time saying 'hello gordon'....very cute and a big hit too. Bummer we never won the pitch though - the othr 2 charities both have paid employees - i wished i'd remembered ot say we were all bereaved volunteers - next time. Felt proud to be meeting him and for the kids, and I did tell him with out their big brother we wouldn't be there - without there big brother we'd be at a very different place today - thank you my darling wee man for all the good things you've given us my shining star xxx