231 -glorious sunshine....inside and out

We had a lovely day today.
The amazing sun and the warmth it brings has such a positive affect on us all. The kids were so happy pottering about in the garden, Archie wanted a 'lazy day', I did manage however to persuade him to go to nursery. We had the most lovely walk round, Archie took his tractor and managed to ride it most of the way there and Sadie wanted to walk. I wised I'd taken my camera she looked so adorable trotting along with her backpack on, our neighbour commented that it looked like a parachute it was so big on her. Mini spent the whole journey saying 'my school is busy bees', she is so grown up and independent it frightens me, where has my wee one gone?

Archie asked again this morning about his brother and where we put him, so as it was such a gorgeous day we all went up to the grave. Pugs, myself, the kids and mum and dad all went, we left beautiful sunflowers for Alfie and brought one home for us to remind us of him when we are away from him. I sat on the grass in front of the stone with Archie on my lap and explained that Alfie was below us, but is was only his bones left, Grandma showed him Alfie's name on the stone and pointed out that they have the same second name. He seemed pretty mellow about it, he did ask on the way there if we were digging him up!!! Luckily he forgot all about that request once at the cemetery.
A moment filled with such mixed emotions, I did have a wee tear in my eye as we sat there, so so so grateful, beyond words to be holding my lovely boy, feeling his warmth the smell of his hair and listening to his nonsense chatter and yer overwhelmed with sadness that I never got the chance to know Alfie, that as time goes on I feel sad in a empty feeble way. I know some people will disagree with the way we raise our kids and of course it is all coloured by the loss of our first born, yes I probably do indulge them  emotionally more than I should, but can anyone love a child too much! As for our way of including Alfie and making him a part of our family, I feel we have the balance right. I am always firm with Archie that we are not sad anymore, and that we have him and Sadie to love...I don't want the kids to grow up in the shadow of an older dead sibling, however I do feel it is important that they understand the cycle of life. Shit, I always remember thinking that losing a pet was such a great experience for kids, one less thing I have to worry about since our experienced death from the get go - I hope it only increases their emotional abilities and makes them rounder warmer and more compassionate individuals - One can  always dream for the best for their children.

54-366 happy mummy and happy daughter

My beautiful girl.......

Normally on Thursday afternoon Sadie and I meet a friend in the park and go for a run/walk. It is the only 2 1/2 hrs in the week when its just us as I'm off work and Archie is in nursery. This week we couldn't meet up with our pals so we went downtown - it was just lovely, she chatted away to me the whole time pointed at everything and saying what it was. We had such a leisurely time we even managed to fit in a wee Costa cuppa, so nice to sit in a cafe with one of my kids and not spend the time running round after them like a demented woman - why like, I am a demented woman! Not today though we both happily sat and had a wee mummy and her girlie chat with our drinks....bliss xxx I hope for many many more

37-366 four little (mini) words

'I love you mummy' that is all.................

I love you too my Mini Haha, more than you'll ever know - until you have the pleaure of being a mummy yourself, then you'll know what love really is - overwhelming wonderful endless joy,

thanks my wee sweetie xxx

34-365 happy on many levels

Happy I spoke to my lovely man today, he is well and happy to be with grandma. Happy I also got to chat with grandma - who is sounding very well. Hospice came in today to organise meds and provisions for her, apparently Pug and the nurse had a note comparing session between uk/usa palliative care techniques.

we love snow meep...Haha  shouts Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeep as soon as we hit the top of the stairs

Also happy that me and the kiddos survived another day with out the dad to help us, specially as Mini Haha got up at 4.45 am. We were all on meltdown by 6pm. Only thing for it is to watch Abney and Teal in bed......

Sadie said her 1st clear two words in a row today, with her panache, she walked away from me in the kitchen this am clutching her banana saying 'tankoo mummy' sniff sniff. She is also still a wee mini, although she may look bigger, today she wore a 6-9months vest and 6-12 months tights - she will remain my Mini Haha the moocher.

29-365 Happy green fingers

Horticultural Happiness

Archie and I had an adorable we moment this weekend where I caught him chatting to our orchid, He was holding it in his arms saying 'I'll make you happy, don't worry I know what to do'. He asked me if we could give it some juice to make it feel better and that it was thirsty. So we watered the orchid, he still wasn't happy - I then realised he had expected the stem and flower to be upright, he had thought because it was growing out the way it was unhappy. We had a lovely discussion about different plants and he seemed happy to just have a wee chat to the orchid to make it happy.

That orchid was given to me as a pressie from my cousin Kirsty when Archie was born, it has been great - although it doesn't get the best of care or attention it still powers on. It has been in every room in the house and appears to be quite versatile and not opposed to change or transition (unlike us, I'm hopeless at it - and Archie doesn't even like my new toenails) - I hope to have that Orchid for a long time it appears to want to hang around too. I also hope it brings Archie and I many more wee chats, his questions, interest and general Joie de vivre is a constant reminder of how special and precious our wee family  is. Even a simple morning at home can be filled with moments of joy. Another reason to thank my wonderful kiddos for reminding me how awesome life is. After a 'sands' weekend I feel filled with thoughts of my darling Alfie, adn yet I know now I would never change the way things are,  I consider my two earthside babies a gift to us from their big brother, without him they wouldn't be here and how could I contemplate a life without them? I must accept that things are as they are meant to be, after 4 years of my new life I can't say it is worse than life before Alfie. I do feel overwhelming sadness when I think of the pain and shock we all suffered, of the guilt I felt when seeing my loved ones pain - it has been worth it! Without Alfie I would be less of a person and I would rather have known him as I did than never experienced him at all. I do think it has brought us closer, made us all stronger and for that I thank him - he has filled my life with many gifts.

Not to be outdone, my darling Mini Haha, her chat gets better every day too. Look at that sheer delight on her wee face......x

a day of 1sts

Archie's first day at playgroup.....he loved it. Was up at 6.30am asking 'i go playgroup mummy', no bad considering he's had a yucky cold and been wabbit. He ran in and didn't look back. He stood up when his name was called for register and he gave his news 'mummy go coffee' - he got a clap and was apparently very proud of himself.

Sadie and I had 2 hours to ourselves, so what else ca a girl do but shop! Sadie got her 1st real shoes, they are called Ida Delilah, how cute are they???? Just chuffed we didn't have to go for pink. Not sure if the photo shows it well enough, but they are a lovely strong purple colour.

When we finished shopping we went to pick doodle up, I sneaked a look through the window, he was happily putting his 'red pinny' for painting away. He came to meet us in the cafe, covered in blue paint - apparently Adele had to chase him round the room, she said he was loving it and you'd never know it was his 1st day.....not sure whether i should be pleased about him more than happily trotting off with out me or not. It was lovely to shop without being shouted at, and to have some lovely girls time with Sadie x

lists

Things I've learnt while on maternity leave.
1. Sleep when you can.
2. Time moves too too quickly.
3. How to bake, cakes, cookies, meringues.
4. How to make Jam, strawberry and raspberry.
5. How to sew, beautiful dresses for Sadie and recently cool trousers for Archie - photos to follow.
6. How to multi-task. 
7. How important the woman are in my life, Sands mums, knitwits, boob clubs mums, my mum and Auntie Momo - all helped, supported and made this last year a great journey - helping me learn how to be a mum, thanks xxx
8. Life is beautiful.
My favourite Sadie things 
1. She takes her tata out her mouth, puts it in mine and then helps herself to a boob feed.
2. She makes a funny face on cue.
3. Her nonplussed face when she stands and we all get excited.
4. when she puts her arms infront of her and cozzies in for a cuddle.
5. How she pulls her brothers curls.
6. The cheeky smile when she knows she isn't meant to go into the kitchen cupboard, but does it anyway.
7. Her first few words, Mama, Dada, tata and Ta.
8. Maude getting a Kissey face in the morning and a pat on the back. 
My favourite Archie things
  1. 'Mummys leetil baby' 
2. Say mama Haha, say dada Haha.
3. Sleeping in his teepee instead of his bed, with 'mummy's blankie' - our old mattress protecter.
4. 'What you dooie?' 
5. 'Where that car goey?' 
6. That he strokes his arms to help soothe himself to sleep - but would rather stroke mine.
7. His sheer delight when he sees me, although his delight in sitting on me as opposed to a chair has resulted in many bruises.
8. A wee 'boob' feed before bed while fighting with sister over which boob is whose!

I return to work tomorrow and clearly feel the need to record these moments.....I worry I'll lose touch with my lovelies, leaving them - I know they'll be with there dad or grandmama and granda, but it's not ME!
Finally my darling Alfie boy, each transition into a 'new phase' takes me a step further away from you wee man. 4years is a long time darling, lots has happened and all down to you. Four years ago at this time mummy was so excited about starting her new job, getting ready for you coming - a world full fo possibilties. Little did I know what a different outcome we would have, not raising you was never one of those possibitlies. In a different world I would be taking you to Nursery tomorrow, instead I dream of  what you would have been.............................sweet dreams to all my loves xxx

end of an era

sitting at my desk eating lunch, no wee ones begging food or shouting at me wanting joo joo. shit its tough know its 2weeks till i come back and only for 3 days a week till Easter but it is v definitely the beginning of the end of my life as a ft mummy. so sad, fir some reason it is making me v sad about alfie boy, life moving so quickly - he time with me feels such a long time ago.also aware that ft work is with me now for the foreseeable future.....no more playground boob club Tuesday club, gonna miss my sands girls too much. life is tough. i think i'm mourning the loss of alfie again because the kids are no longer babies and we are having no more babies....no longer in a baby phase which will forever be connected to my 1st baby, who never got to grow up

Meeting Mr Brown

No photo as yet, hoping to get one from the local paper. Pug, myself and the kids all went to sainsburys on friday to collect a cheque on behalf of sands. I wasn't that fussed until the night before when Pug said he wanted to come too and that we were meeting an ex world leader. In the US you'd never get that close to an expresident - so off we all trotted on friday morning. I had expected a quick hand over of the gigantic cheque and a wee photo, but no. Mr Brown came and sat with us and 2 other charities for a wee blether. He was quite genuine and was adorable with Sadie, who loved him and giggled and flirted outrageously. The photographer took a ton of photos, but none in todays paper - I had hoped we'd be in. It seems great for sands - and more importantly for newly bereaved mums to see a mum who has gone on to have live happy babies. SO if nothing comes of it, i'll send a photo and wee blurb to the weekly local paper. I did tell Mr Brown about Alfie and as his wee girl Jennifer died in forth park also I felt some kind of mutual understanding, i suppose. Archie spent the whole time saying 'hello gordon'....very cute and a big hit too. Bummer we never won the pitch though - the othr 2 charities both have paid employees - i wished i'd remembered ot say we were all bereaved volunteers - next time. Felt proud to be meeting him and for the kids, and I did tell him with out their big brother we wouldn't be there - without there big brother we'd be at a very different place today - thank you my darling wee man for all the good things you've given us my shining star xxx

a whole year....how life changes

Sadie darling opening her 1st bday card from GG

Eating her cake although she was mostly interested in the strawberries! hmmm she's been off her food all day, maybe finally teeth are on there way?

A lovely dolly from granma- we noticed a few weeks ago how much she is loving faces, she really responds and gets all giggly. She was v cute with her dollies - chatting away to them. Auntie Monica got her to dance , arms flying, bum shaking, much like her mummy. Sadie my love, when your older and you look back on this - know you and Airch are the best thing I've ever done - thank you for all the smiles, dribbly kisses and total adoration I recieve from you. Nothing beats or comes close to it. I think of your big brother on our special days and wonder what he would be doing in our wee life? in our picture? A wee hand missing from our plate today.....never far from mumas thoughts and always in her heart. One day when your all grown up muma will explain to you....... I feel sad and guilty that on your special days mumma has a wee tear for your brother, but know this never alters the love I have for you - in fact if anything it has made me love and appreciate you more, another gift from your big brother.So wee one, my mini Haha - you'll just have to put up with mums blue moments - it'll be out weighed by the enormous affection you receive constantly. xxxxx to all my babies earthside and otherwise

sinking

My wee love is rapidly approaching her 1st birthday very mixed emotions in my head I can tell you. Still wee enough to bathe in sink tho!

Fathers day bonnie frock and the cons - of course. We went to 'muddy boots', was great. Kids happy playing in munchkins land, Dad happy dirt sledging, mum happy pottering round yummy food shop.

Another wee smiley face bath/sink shot.....too cute to resist. Finally have an firm answer on my return to work - I say Finally, we will wait and see but for now I return in 7 weeks at the beginning of term 3 days a week. Mon - wed which means no more boob club and no more tuesday club, sigh - the life of a working mum looms yuck yuck. I wonder if I'll ever be ready to leave them full time? I have organised Archie going once a week to the secret garden nursery, very excited - totally outdoor nursery, no building, all year round playing in woods come rain or shine, perfect for my wee 'boyish' boy.

9/10th the big move....

Miss P is wearing her amazing springtime Molo onsie, I bought this for Archie and loved it so much had to hang on to it.

We are living with grandma and grandad for a week or so while our housing is being done - we had a leak in the roof and our bedrooms were water damaged - so thank you insurance co, total redecoration gratis (o yeah, I pay premiums every month, so technically not free).

This is the wallpaper for our bedroom, V excited about it.

Madam is wearing a v cute wee frock by Me Too that grandma bought her, with the perfect matching leggings from boots. Finding it hard to take decent photos now that she is on the move. Yesterday she climbed the stairs at grandmas.......yikes, I think she's gonna be like her brother. Oh yeah and she's minging all the time. On the subject of brother, he is having loads of fun at grandma and grandads, however he 'no likey this bed' and 'wants sleep grandas bed'.

day 2 new Flossie pinafore

I love this wee outfit, however pinafore a bit too big, so need to alter next one slightly. We have grans plans for more, one for Violet for her bday, one for Peggy for her bday. Searching for alexander henry fabric and something in Violet!!!

tough one, it's a ben and jerry's night

Today was hard, Archie is going through some weird phase - he is tired a lot and it's making him cranky. He's quite hard work as it is, and Miss P isn't sleeping more than 3 hrs in a row (since she was born 7 months ago). it's one of the times where I would turn to my sands mums for support - only they can understand that having lost a child one still becomes exhausted being a parent - of course I wouldn't change it for the world, however as a 'lost' parent am I not meant to appreciate every minute????? Bollox I'm only human, I have the right to feel as all parents feel, surely I'm not to be robbed of that too??? However, as all parents feel guilt is ours worse? who will ever know. Tuesday club my solace, was hellish today because Archie was soooo tired, he is such a handful I couldn't blether to the girls and I worry that he'll never 'behave'. Just have to enjoy the B&J's, relax and start again tomorrow. He is the most adorable, loving wee man - just a tad hyper when in company LOL x