222-226 first, lasts - everything inbetween

We have had a lovely week, with many first - the beginning of the lasts of the summer and a few everythings thrown in.


Sadie's been achieving many firsts - she has slept through the night in her own wee toddlers bed, had a number of  'dry' days and has survived her first day at nursery on her own. Quite a momentous week for a wee one.
Nursery is going great, we all really like it and I feel comfortable leaving the kids there. I took mum and dad on monday to visit. Nursery needs to meet any people who will potentially be picking the kids up, this is a big move for us. Not so long ago I was unsure whether mum and dad would ever be involved in the kids care. As I left the wee ones for the first time I felt myself welling up, not because of myself, but because as I turned to leave I realised my dad had gone back inside, he was leading Sadie out by the hand  he was confused and didn't understand she was staying. He did get it and let her go back in, on so many levels this made me emotional, primarily because he understood that she didn't ordinarily go to nursery but also because I knew he was the one usually watching her.

On a lighter note we went to visit at our lovely pals house on tuesday. The kids haven't been for ages and were really excited about visiting. Luckily it was a glorious day and most of it was spent in the garden.

Trampoline and water fights = happy kiddos.

We left with bags of stuff -as usual, I got 3 vintage dressing patterns, Archie a huge bag of clothes but best of all - TONS of Thomas track and buildings.....it has kept him and Pugs occupied ever since.

Madam was so happy from playing she just had to rest

My fave thing about the day was when I came to get her changed for bed, she had 2 pairs of pants on! you can see a wee sneaky glimpse here of a pair she had 'borrowed'  from one of the older kids.

As the days move on I am becoming aware of the lasts of the summer, in a weeks time I will be returning to work. On some levels I am looking forward to teaching again, I miss the banter with the kids and the intellectual stimulation of teaching the seniors - I am however, saddened that summer is already gone. I had wanted to do so much, we still haven't had a visit to Cragie's nor Pillars.
This time of year always makes me maudlin - as summer ends, fall begins and I move into Alfie time. This year I am going to give a talk at Sands AGM in Oct on the Tuesday club, it will be good to have a focus for him at this time of year.

Today was dads birthday. I am pretty sure he realised it was his day, Antony had been to visit already so when we also turned up with a cake and a song he seemed to have the routine down. It was a day of mixed emotion, on one level I am totally appreciative that my dad is alive and able to celebrate his birthday, however on another it is  gutting that he isn't his usual self. I spent an hour last night traipsing round our limited shopping options starckly aware of our further limitations given my dad can't do any of the things he would normally -  no point buying the failsafe novel (can't imagine ever chatting about the booker list again), he has lost his passion for music - what the hell else is left! I just got him some beers and sweeties, at least I know he will get some pleasure from them.

Made two dresses thsi week, ran 15K, baked, finished a pickles vest and made a bigger dent in the epic crocheted blanket.

48-366 happy to be en famille - warning sad content

Today was Uncle Jim's funeral. It was so sad to see my Dad hurting, and all the others in the family.

The service was gentle and touching - but death is always hard no matter age or stage, most of the time people leave loved ones behind and in doing so leave a legacy. One takes comfort in the knowledge that Jim left behind people who loved him, who will continue to miss him and think of him - ultimately continue to love him.

Funny thing that, loving someone who is no longer with us, you would think it fades over time - in my experience the pain of losing them fades but the love doesn't.

Loss is only tolerable due to love.

I fought hard during the service to focus on  Jim, my dad, auntie Jean and Gran - however, I was drawn back to Alfie a number of times. It is so hard not to - I am my own frame of reference. I'm sure everyone thinks of all the people they have lost at funerals, I'm sure my Gran stood thinking about standing in the same spot at my Granda's funeral.

I know people think that 'sands' mums go on too much about losing our babies, however it is tough as death is all we have to remind us of them, no happy moments, laughter, joy, nothing - just the stark reality of loss. I endeavour to remember the moments of happiness during my pregnancy with Alfie and of course in a paradoxical way I was happy to meet him even if I knew it was also our final and first meeting in one.

This has turned into a ramble - not what I had initially intended tonight.

What with losing Jim and Grandma Marion dying we are surrounded by it, it is hard not to dwell.

I struggled to think of a photo for today, I wanted to take a photo of my lovely family, but never got a chance.......and as this post had turned into Alfie wee mans i think I'll do a photo for him.

I feel I need to explain myself - I know many people have photos of their wee ones online, on facebook, up on walls in the house and have countless photos of their graves. I've always felt mixed about this and I'm never sure why? I guess prior to losing Alfie I would have been truly horrified at the thought of a dead baby photo or a grave, however I know that's all we have. So I am bravely putting up a picture of Alfie's  grave on his anniversary this year.

Leaving a red (his absolute favourite colour) balloon for his big brother.

 

I decided not to re read or edit this post so apologies if it is macabre and a mess xxxx

44-366 happy to help

Today has been so odd, due to Archie feeling so poorly we've been in that fog of illness. Napping at weird times, not actually achieving much except keeping the kids calm and well.
Tonight I had a Sands meeting so I was able to escape the sanatorium our house has become. It was lovely to see my friends and also to think I'm doing some good. My time for sands is the time I would have spent doing stuff for Alfie. I really hope we are doing some good, sometimes it feels we can't move forward and we have so many things we want to do. I guess sadly, so long as people are still losing babies I know we will still be there to support them which is the main thing. I know without the warmth and support I received when Alfie died my process of grief would have been harder and longer. I only hope that people feel the same when they find us. I've said it a number of times before, however it does make me feel as though Alfie died for a reason - his legacy is that I can help other parents who suffer. A hard and bitter pill to swallow - but over 4 years later it does make me happy to think I can help.
My wee man didn't die in vain

29-365 Happy green fingers

Horticultural Happiness

Archie and I had an adorable we moment this weekend where I caught him chatting to our orchid, He was holding it in his arms saying 'I'll make you happy, don't worry I know what to do'. He asked me if we could give it some juice to make it feel better and that it was thirsty. So we watered the orchid, he still wasn't happy - I then realised he had expected the stem and flower to be upright, he had thought because it was growing out the way it was unhappy. We had a lovely discussion about different plants and he seemed happy to just have a wee chat to the orchid to make it happy.

That orchid was given to me as a pressie from my cousin Kirsty when Archie was born, it has been great - although it doesn't get the best of care or attention it still powers on. It has been in every room in the house and appears to be quite versatile and not opposed to change or transition (unlike us, I'm hopeless at it - and Archie doesn't even like my new toenails) - I hope to have that Orchid for a long time it appears to want to hang around too. I also hope it brings Archie and I many more wee chats, his questions, interest and general Joie de vivre is a constant reminder of how special and precious our wee family  is. Even a simple morning at home can be filled with moments of joy. Another reason to thank my wonderful kiddos for reminding me how awesome life is. After a 'sands' weekend I feel filled with thoughts of my darling Alfie, adn yet I know now I would never change the way things are,  I consider my two earthside babies a gift to us from their big brother, without him they wouldn't be here and how could I contemplate a life without them? I must accept that things are as they are meant to be, after 4 years of my new life I can't say it is worse than life before Alfie. I do feel overwhelming sadness when I think of the pain and shock we all suffered, of the guilt I felt when seeing my loved ones pain - it has been worth it! Without Alfie I would be less of a person and I would rather have known him as I did than never experienced him at all. I do think it has brought us closer, made us all stronger and for that I thank him - he has filled my life with many gifts.

Not to be outdone, my darling Mini Haha, her chat gets better every day too. Look at that sheer delight on her wee face......x

22-365 the tata lament and not so happy Archie or mummy

Our day started off wonderfully, Pug was doing a 13hr shift so it was just me and the kiddos. We had a lovely snuggle in bed and then headed down for porridge and lazy morning. I had accelerated happiness due to kids occupying themselves and I cleaned, sad I know but I don't often get a chance.
Sadie had a nap and Archie and I hung out watching Thomas the Tank engine and crocheting, guess who did what?

After lunch we went shopping with Auntie Momo and I got a new dress, still not sure if I'm keeping it.

Then things took a nose dive, I read this article in the car and was suddenly overwhelmed with sadness, meanwhile we began the 'tata lament', poor love, Archie has to get a new dummy aka tata. His one and only that he uses for night time is old, foosty and rather hideous to be frank. I started the lead up to new tata a few days ago, not an option he was prepared to entertain on any level, however on arrival at asda he announces we need to buy a new tata, so it began......much nashing of teeth hair pulling and tears later we left with a new but not in anyway an adequate substitute. All and I mean all the way home and for the next 2 hours he cried - I was uber harsh and told him the old one was in the bin - his reply was 'bin lorries no steal boys tatas'. I thought cold turkey was best option, poor wee soul he was gutted and went on and on about needing his frog tata - I gave him the newer version but it is much smaller, he said I no want a baby frog tata I want a mummy frog tata. I told him he was old enough to look after a wee baby frog tata now....not having it I'm afraid  'i no good at looking after babies'..........................................phew what a night.
He finally opted for nicking his wee sisters, luckily she couldn't care what she has. Lesson to be learnt, always have alternatives.
To end on a happy note as is the point of the blog, after reading the above article I am wholeheartedly overwhelming grateful to listen to my boy lamenting the end of frog tata, better that than the ache of empty arms and a huge hole in my heart.

dirty happy secret garden face, just to make me smile.

Only a day has passed and already I can see the benefit of being able to say this wee mans name every week. Bonus is he seems a nice wee boy, cheeky chappy but bright and kind, the things I would have wanted for my Alfie. That poor boy isn't ever going to know how significant he's been or will become in the process of learning to live without my child.
I spoke with some of of my wonderful sands mums tonight and the supportive, nutters at knitwits - in fact I say spoke hmmm actually cried for ages......we all agreed, one only ever learns to live without your child up to a point. After that it is just the harsh shitty painful reality of loss, nothing can fill the void. Life goes on, new babies come along (if your lucky), day to day life continues, you heal from the shock of the loss - the wide open raw pain, but then the longterm loss sets in, you know that it isn't going to get any better than this, its just a way of life to be dealt with, some days dealt with better than others. Yet, every day without fail I think of my boy - now more of what would have been, what kind of person he would be? It's hard to believe its been nearly 4 years since I've seen him, held him, smelt him.......... my mind plays tricks, some days he is seems like a vague dream I once had, others it feels like I saw him last week.
This time of year is forever my Alfie season, fall/autumn....summer fades and I start to re live the significant dates leading up to his death. I know his anniversary will be beautiful, a day filled with unadulterated thoughts of him - a liminal phase, where real life stops so I can give some time just to Alfie. It's the build up that sucks. My closest sands mums all lost their wee ones round about the same time of year, so we all start to feel fragile and vulnerable together, although I would never wish the pain of babyloss on anyone, I am truly grateful for these woman in my life, without whom my diffcult journey would have been lonely, with them it is filled with love, encouragement, support, genuine friendship - and not to forget the chance to talk freely about our wee ones without judgement or others morbid curiosity, or even worse the rolling of eyes speaking a million 'isn't she over it yet', or 'here she goes again  on about her depressing life'. Hell we even laugh and indulge ourselves every now and again - Dakota here we came ladies xxxx

lists

Things I've learnt while on maternity leave.
1. Sleep when you can.
2. Time moves too too quickly.
3. How to bake, cakes, cookies, meringues.
4. How to make Jam, strawberry and raspberry.
5. How to sew, beautiful dresses for Sadie and recently cool trousers for Archie - photos to follow.
6. How to multi-task. 
7. How important the woman are in my life, Sands mums, knitwits, boob clubs mums, my mum and Auntie Momo - all helped, supported and made this last year a great journey - helping me learn how to be a mum, thanks xxx
8. Life is beautiful.
My favourite Sadie things 
1. She takes her tata out her mouth, puts it in mine and then helps herself to a boob feed.
2. She makes a funny face on cue.
3. Her nonplussed face when she stands and we all get excited.
4. when she puts her arms infront of her and cozzies in for a cuddle.
5. How she pulls her brothers curls.
6. The cheeky smile when she knows she isn't meant to go into the kitchen cupboard, but does it anyway.
7. Her first few words, Mama, Dada, tata and Ta.
8. Maude getting a Kissey face in the morning and a pat on the back. 
My favourite Archie things
  1. 'Mummys leetil baby' 
2. Say mama Haha, say dada Haha.
3. Sleeping in his teepee instead of his bed, with 'mummy's blankie' - our old mattress protecter.
4. 'What you dooie?' 
5. 'Where that car goey?' 
6. That he strokes his arms to help soothe himself to sleep - but would rather stroke mine.
7. His sheer delight when he sees me, although his delight in sitting on me as opposed to a chair has resulted in many bruises.
8. A wee 'boob' feed before bed while fighting with sister over which boob is whose!

I return to work tomorrow and clearly feel the need to record these moments.....I worry I'll lose touch with my lovelies, leaving them - I know they'll be with there dad or grandmama and granda, but it's not ME!
Finally my darling Alfie boy, each transition into a 'new phase' takes me a step further away from you wee man. 4years is a long time darling, lots has happened and all down to you. Four years ago at this time mummy was so excited about starting her new job, getting ready for you coming - a world full fo possibilties. Little did I know what a different outcome we would have, not raising you was never one of those possibitlies. In a different world I would be taking you to Nursery tomorrow, instead I dream of  what you would have been.............................sweet dreams to all my loves xxx

Meeting Mr Brown

No photo as yet, hoping to get one from the local paper. Pug, myself and the kids all went to sainsburys on friday to collect a cheque on behalf of sands. I wasn't that fussed until the night before when Pug said he wanted to come too and that we were meeting an ex world leader. In the US you'd never get that close to an expresident - so off we all trotted on friday morning. I had expected a quick hand over of the gigantic cheque and a wee photo, but no. Mr Brown came and sat with us and 2 other charities for a wee blether. He was quite genuine and was adorable with Sadie, who loved him and giggled and flirted outrageously. The photographer took a ton of photos, but none in todays paper - I had hoped we'd be in. It seems great for sands - and more importantly for newly bereaved mums to see a mum who has gone on to have live happy babies. SO if nothing comes of it, i'll send a photo and wee blurb to the weekly local paper. I did tell Mr Brown about Alfie and as his wee girl Jennifer died in forth park also I felt some kind of mutual understanding, i suppose. Archie spent the whole time saying 'hello gordon'....very cute and a big hit too. Bummer we never won the pitch though - the othr 2 charities both have paid employees - i wished i'd remembered ot say we were all bereaved volunteers - next time. Felt proud to be meeting him and for the kids, and I did tell him with out their big brother we wouldn't be there - without there big brother we'd be at a very different place today - thank you my darling wee man for all the good things you've given us my shining star xxx

a whole year....how life changes

Sadie darling opening her 1st bday card from GG

Eating her cake although she was mostly interested in the strawberries! hmmm she's been off her food all day, maybe finally teeth are on there way?

A lovely dolly from granma- we noticed a few weeks ago how much she is loving faces, she really responds and gets all giggly. She was v cute with her dollies - chatting away to them. Auntie Monica got her to dance , arms flying, bum shaking, much like her mummy. Sadie my love, when your older and you look back on this - know you and Airch are the best thing I've ever done - thank you for all the smiles, dribbly kisses and total adoration I recieve from you. Nothing beats or comes close to it. I think of your big brother on our special days and wonder what he would be doing in our wee life? in our picture? A wee hand missing from our plate today.....never far from mumas thoughts and always in her heart. One day when your all grown up muma will explain to you....... I feel sad and guilty that on your special days mumma has a wee tear for your brother, but know this never alters the love I have for you - in fact if anything it has made me love and appreciate you more, another gift from your big brother.So wee one, my mini Haha - you'll just have to put up with mums blue moments - it'll be out weighed by the enormous affection you receive constantly. xxxxx to all my babies earthside and otherwise

we are having a major malfunction re photos - Archie lost y sd card for my camera and my phone is so old I cant get my photos on to facebook to get onto C. So i've manged to get a few fro tagged fb photos.

Sadie looked absolutely adorable at the wedding as did Archie. His kilt outfit was a big hit! Sadies outfit was great I was up until midnight finishing the crochet on her bolero. I will try and get photos up soon.

Peggy aka PP was a flower girl and looked beautiful she had a lovely wee headband on made by her lovely mummy - made from loads of little cream buttons - must get one for Sadie. Big news round here is the prep for Sadies 1st bday. Bunting to make, doll to make, romper suit to make.......and on the day yummy scones cakes and mini sarnies to make. It is an emotional time coming towards her bday - I keep going back to how I felt last year at this time, still haven't looked at her baby baby photos.....time travels too fast. On that note - she is still teeny and has nae teeth! I showed a lovely friend Alfie's photo - the one I carry in my purse a few days ago, she'd never seen him as I met her after I lost him, quite recently actually. She cried - I've forgotten that people aren't used to photos of dead babies, its become so normal to me. This makes me sad and happy all at once. I cried when Gill cried - it made him real again - almost!

thoughts of Alfie

This weekend has been so lovely, however as usual on special days I am ever aware of my darling's absence. I think back to the 1st bday without him - how hideous it was. I got ready for work, got into the car with Anne said 'it's my bday.....blub blub blub', that bday was supposed to be my 1st as a mum, my 1st time getting a card signed by my son, I was never to have a card from Alfie - of course I have my 2 beautiful ones, but always at the cost of losing my 1st wee man. I looked over at all my lovely sands mums and their babies at my party and thought....I love those women, life would be hell without them. I also thought had I not lost Alfie what a very different party this would be - what a very different life this would be......think of you everyday my wee man - life without you is a strange journey, love and mummy kisses to my 1st baby xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

sands weekend

It's been over a week since I returned from my befriender training in glasgow. I have wanted to write about it, but the week has been hectic! just to finish off a crazy week - I've got a yucky bout of mastitis and Archie has a bad cold which has infected his wee eyes. Sad because we had planned a day out with the whole family for mothers day ( see another post on this)to an old steam railway. We went anyways -

Sadie eating as usual and the lovely wee Caitlin. I'm so ill at this point I have three jackets on and I was still freezing.

Sadie baby girl in the baggage rack - another of her dad's photos! I can assure you no child was harmed in the making off this photo - the train was still in the station on Woops, off on a tangent. Back to sands weekend. It was lovely to spend some time with Susan, however it was emotionally draining. We also had out friday night support meeting, where I met a new couple and was rushed back to that early place where grief is overwhelming and you are desperate for someone to help you find a way forward.......draining, however felt lovely helping the couple as I shed a tear on their behalf. Glasgow was interesting, the 1st day was a generic 'communication' workshop, it felt a little like a busmans holiday. ON the 2nd morning, Susan and I filled in the workbook at breakfast - I ended up crying, I realised my triggers a while ago and I felt able to release them.I now know if I discuss how Alfie's death affected my loved ones, I lose it. It's as though I've become immune to my own 'story' but not how painful it was for others. When I think of how hard it was for my mum and dad it kills me. The sunday workshop was very emotional for the other women, however I went into mode and felt nothing, other than empathy for the woman sharing her babies story with me. The outcome of the day for me was the desire to advocate on behalf of mums who've lost a during her next pregnancy and to help with the communication with the hospital. We also discussed the lack of support in parenting after loss, and we were encouraged to talk about our Tuesday club at the scottish network day. I wonder if we need to talk to national sands about what we can all do to help mums and dads with parenting.

tough one, it's a ben and jerry's night

Today was hard, Archie is going through some weird phase - he is tired a lot and it's making him cranky. He's quite hard work as it is, and Miss P isn't sleeping more than 3 hrs in a row (since she was born 7 months ago). it's one of the times where I would turn to my sands mums for support - only they can understand that having lost a child one still becomes exhausted being a parent - of course I wouldn't change it for the world, however as a 'lost' parent am I not meant to appreciate every minute????? Bollox I'm only human, I have the right to feel as all parents feel, surely I'm not to be robbed of that too??? However, as all parents feel guilt is ours worse? who will ever know. Tuesday club my solace, was hellish today because Archie was soooo tired, he is such a handful I couldn't blether to the girls and I worry that he'll never 'behave'. Just have to enjoy the B&J's, relax and start again tomorrow. He is the most adorable, loving wee man - just a tad hyper when in company LOL x

Never forget him......

When Alfie died my nana, who is 89 came to see me. She had lost her 1st baby also a boy 64 years previously. She said 'you'll never forget him'. I remember thinking of course I'm not gonna forget him - I can't breathe without thinking about him, replaying everything in my mind a million times a day........ It is only 3 years later that I understand the enormity of what she was saying. I can honestly say that in 3 years and more not a single day has passed without me thinking about him - obviously I've no cried everyday, but at least once or not more he is in my thoughts - it's become normal now - I'm Clare who had a son that died.

beloved child

The day before Alfie died - a sunday, Pug went down the town alone. When he came home he'd bought me a wee pressie, my 1st kokeshi doll. She is beautiful red and cream, very simple, hand carved and named 'beloved child'. I was so emotional when he gave it to me, we had been having a rough time in our relationship, he was over worked and i was nervously awaiting the birth of our 1st child and anxious about all that that entails.
How strange to think that within 24hrs of receiving the 'beloved child' our beloved child would be dead?

2 years later 'beloved child' is sitting on my desk at work and i use her in a lesson, i am telling the kids about kokeshi dolls and there significance re 1,000 paper cranes and Sadako Sasaki. I wonder if i will always feel the need to insert stories of my Alfie into my day to day life. I know the kids in school all know I lost my 1st baby and many have appreciated my candor and have come to me with similar stories of loss. I also feel it is good for children to be aware of lives frailty.

why me route.....

why not me, what's so special about me that shitty things don't happen to me????
Karma? hmmmmm not sure, i must have been pretty bad previously - or Alfie was sent as a lesson, a way to learn to be grateful, to love, to feel compassion?

the things people say.

at a recent hairdressers appointment my lovely hairdresser who has been doing my hair for 40years....that in itself is scary! was telling the wee old lady next to me (it's a teeny old salon no music, just the one stylist) who was waiting on her taxi all about me. We discussed the usual kids stories, breastfeeding, weaning, birth etc - i was actually enjoying having a wee blether and for once i never mentioned Alfie (not because i was denying him, or ashamed - just didn't feel the need, i also thought this woman is from an era when infant loss SB was more common) however my hairdresser said "she lost her first baby" I'm thinking her we go - start the freak show, here's the woman who lost a baby. then she said " died inside her and the she had to have it" I almost screamed IT! he was my son, not some foreign object.........I know she was trying to be nice and not forget about that part of my life, she went on to say how amazing i am and how far I've come and all the stuff I do for sands etc - BUT big BUT it made me think, is that how everyone who hasn't lost a child thinks of our babies? Is that how i would feel if Alfie had survived and i heard about a SB baby?

so many unanswerable questions....

Tuesday Club

When Alfie died I met a few other mums who had recently lost babies, these women have become central to my life - existence, without them I'd be a basket case.

Originally we all met for lunch once a week, however as our families grew and we evolved into a larger group we started to meet weekly in the park - the kids could run around, we could chat and it was free!

A few of us are on the committee of our local sands and decided there was a gap in the support we offer, so Ta da we started an official tuesday club.
It is very much in its infancy, we meet every tuesday in a local church hall and it is open to anyone who has lost a baby and is officially part of sands.......peer support, cuddles, help through parenting, help through anniversaries.
This wee club is something I am so proud of, I remember the 1st few months of being a mum to a live child, it was filled with wonder, love, bewilderment and fear, all exacerbated by the fact that I'd buried on baby already and let's face it I was terrified I'd have to do it again.
So, TC is my little haven, and a place i know i can help others find comfort and some 'normality'.
parenting when you have a lost a child is different and it's ok to say that, it's also ok to feel 'normal' parent feelings too........ but i'll deal with that later!

a new year.....

My 1st year in 4 that i will not be pregnant!!!

I approach this with very mixed emotions, relief! no worry, pain or distress - no dragging my big body to the hospital every week for our CTG and consultant appointment. I do however feel sad that although being pregnant for me is a high anxiety time, i will never enjoy the other side......the 1st flutterings of the new life, the excitement about the life to come, the cautious and precious way i treat myself as a carrier of a new life.

That is not to say I'm not happy with my two little loves, just knowing i will never again give birth is so final.
hmmmm may Mr Williams can be persuaded not to have the snip?
I wonder if losing a child makes one always strive to make more babies, not that i can ever replace alfie, more that i can cancel all the negative associations of pg by having as many positive ones as i can?