If grief came with a manual.........

it would read - once box is opened, it can never be closed again.

Step one - How one deals with this fact is entirely personal. Some of us mourn publicly loudly for a long time - others quietly and quickly and then pick up the pieces and 'move on'.

When Alfie died, I was horrified at the idea that one day I would be one of those women whose life is consumed with loss. Who wears jewellery with their child's name around their neck, publicly announcing my child died(i opted for a more subtle bracelet with his tiny photo and a lock of his hair), I have a teeny teeny photo in our house which unless you looked carefully you'd never see.
I never wanted to deny my boy, however he is mines and lives in my heart - I don't need to look at his photo - nor wear a t-shirt that says 'angel mummy'.  I rarely put up a facebook status about Alfie, except on his anniversary and in babyloss week, I know that might seem cold in comparison to other mums who post constantly but I feel happy with my way.
That is not to say, those who do go down this route of mourning are any better or any worse than me - it's simply a means of survival and what works best for one.

Of late my life has been consumed by sands and hence I feel I have become one of those mums who lives and breathes bereavement, how did I get here?
I was the positive one, the one who wouldn't be defined by my loss - I wanted to be much more than that 'women who lost her baby'. I fear in some eyes that's what I've become - this is not the case, as such life goes in waves...right now I'm in a sands phase, which will hopefully settle and my other more 'normal' life will return,. By normal I mean my normal - because really what is normal? What the majority do? What my peers do? who the hell knows what to do when a baby dies, who the hell really knows what to do when anyone dies - whether expected or unexpected one is never prepared for the harsh stark reality of loss. The curse of the human condition.


Step two - it's a continual learning curve.
Every time I think I've got it nailed something else comes up! I dot along in my cosy bubble loving my children I hold in my arms and loving the child I hold in my heart. I am surrounded by other mums who've lost a baby and it has become second nature to 'chat' about our wee ones, both living and lost.......HOW on earth did I not realise that others just don't want to hear that? One forgets that my 'normal' isn't everyone else's - I always thought/hoped one of the positive things about losing Alfie was that it had made me a more compassionate person - yikes, maybe not. When did I become so self-absorbed I forgot about others feelings.....

Thing is, it doesn't consume me, I very rarely cry anymore ( maybe I should, rather than this once a year malarky, which is all consuming and exhausting), and never chat about him at work or with boob club mums. I no longer need to scream out 'I LOST MY BABY' quietly inside while others are chatting about their live children. This is partly due to time and my darlings who I can cuddle and love daily. I know Alfie is with me in memory and that's enough now. The rawness has most certainly subsided - however like Karma, grief come back to bite you on the as. Just when life is dotting along the bubble bursts and it all comes rushing back. Grief is hard enough without feeling judged about the way one copes and survives through it - see we really do need a manual - then no one would be offended or hurt, there is plenty enough of that being doled out by life in general.

Step 3 - find a way to survive it. This can change regularly, however it is easier to go with ones emotions (in my opinion) as opposed to bottling them up.
I am a talker and an obssesser - or as my mum would say 'a dog with a bone', hmmm wonder where that comes from mum?
When Alfie died I talked about him non stop, it was all I could do to make him seem real, otherwise those 9months didn't really happen. I realise I am a very open person and much prefer to deal with things head on, I always assume the best in people and think 'talking' can solve the worlds problems - well that's what I tell my school kids - how can I preach peace to them and not firmly believe negotiation is the best way forward. Duh, Clare you live in a naive idealistic world, you'd think by 40 I'd have sussed that one out!

 Step 4 - always always use any emotional situation to make you become a better person.

Although I over analyse everything - and hmm truthfully nothing sometimes I try to come up with a positive spin on situations, again a teaching ideology. How, can one become a better person if they don't improve and learn from their mistakes?  Of late I seem to be offending everyone with my ways of dealing with grief - so I am taking it all on board and adjusting accordingly. I will endeavor to be more sensitive to others feelings and emotions, I will not discuss my loss publicly, I have this blog to help me if I need to ponder on my wee man. The good thing is all these new realisations will help me and others, so that can't be a bad thing.


Last and final step (so far, as I'm sure I'll struggle and learn about how to cope with my loss for the rest of my days)
You can not quantify grief, nor can one type of loss be any worse or any better than another. 
Losing a person who is loved, wanted, cherished cared for is hard regardless of gestation of pregnancy, how many minutes the child lived, how many years you've rasied and nurtured your child or how many years you've loved and shared life with that person -  it is irrelevant the gaping massive hole they left is the same size and all the dealing/coping/surviving in the world ain't gonna ever fill it back up - that's the shitty reality.
How we deal with the reality of the loss is what makes it different and, as I said above we must all do what it takes to get through, whilst hopefully not hurting anyone in the process.



And so......I feel better after articulating all of that - I hope this helps others to understand my process of dealing with grief and helps them deal with theirs. Big love to all, xxxx

Meeting Mr Brown

No photo as yet, hoping to get one from the local paper. Pug, myself and the kids all went to sainsburys on friday to collect a cheque on behalf of sands. I wasn't that fussed until the night before when Pug said he wanted to come too and that we were meeting an ex world leader. In the US you'd never get that close to an expresident - so off we all trotted on friday morning. I had expected a quick hand over of the gigantic cheque and a wee photo, but no. Mr Brown came and sat with us and 2 other charities for a wee blether. He was quite genuine and was adorable with Sadie, who loved him and giggled and flirted outrageously. The photographer took a ton of photos, but none in todays paper - I had hoped we'd be in. It seems great for sands - and more importantly for newly bereaved mums to see a mum who has gone on to have live happy babies. SO if nothing comes of it, i'll send a photo and wee blurb to the weekly local paper. I did tell Mr Brown about Alfie and as his wee girl Jennifer died in forth park also I felt some kind of mutual understanding, i suppose. Archie spent the whole time saying 'hello gordon'....very cute and a big hit too. Bummer we never won the pitch though - the othr 2 charities both have paid employees - i wished i'd remembered ot say we were all bereaved volunteers - next time. Felt proud to be meeting him and for the kids, and I did tell him with out their big brother we wouldn't be there - without there big brother we'd be at a very different place today - thank you my darling wee man for all the good things you've given us my shining star xxx

Been a while......

I've really missed writing our wee blog, but life has been hectic. Last weekend I went to Aberdeen to the SANDS Scottish network day, it was really interesting, The Child Bereavement charity did a presentation, it was fantastic.We met some great people and found some useful resources. The most exciting thing for me, is that I'm to be a media representative for sands in Scotland, I'll get some training - thank goodness. Finally I get to use my big gob and love of my own voice for something so worthwhile! On monday I did my parents story at the hospitals training that I had fought hard to be put in place - I stayed for the training and also found it interesting, I still think we can do a better job, more interactive and more use of bereaved parents, it was suggested we have a fathers story in the future. I asked Pug and to my surprise, he said he would do it.

My wee mini Haha is coming on as you can see she spends her time pulling herself up in furniture and then getting stuck and frustrated.....so I spend my days moving her around from chair to table to highchair etc. She does fit the wee converse....she did have 2 on today, she just managed to pull one off. She is so dinky - her lovely bows and anchors top is a 3-6 months and still long in the arms. Archie doodle is talking non-stop now, although I am still his main interpreter, he did spontaneously say 'i love you' last week - I had a tear, my beautiful babies. All this sands activity only makes me realise more just how blessed I am to have 2 adorable babies to care for, watch grow and love. My darling Alfie - missed and thought of daily, without him - we wouldn't be the family we are. Thank you my wee star xxx

why me route.....

why not me, what's so special about me that shitty things don't happen to me????
Karma? hmmmmm not sure, i must have been pretty bad previously - or Alfie was sent as a lesson, a way to learn to be grateful, to love, to feel compassion?