Our Alfie moto, Don't. cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Our Alfie moto, Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.Dr Seuss

Saturday, 24 December 2011

Xmas eve......Phew and relax.

Sadie's new stocking - made at 10.30pm on xmas eve #mustbementalxmasfever

Thursday, 24 November 2011

Archie's antics

My wee man will be 3 soon and although he has always been full of character, he is just getting more and more amusing/entertaining - such good company.

Last friday we made cookies, painted and Oh yeah went for a walk to the park. I got the kids all bundled up in winter waterproofs and dragged them our for some fresh air. En route we did a little shopping, Archie was great in the shop, helped me and didn't run away! At the green man he did his usual and pressed the button, however it was a really busy road and I wanted him on the buggy board which meant he didn't get to wait for the button underneath to start turning, to which he commented "that's ridiculous!!!" - took all my mummy powers to stop me laughing. At the park we had a blast, both Archie and Sadie can now play pretty much independently at the playpark. Archie wanted to go for a walk to the bridge, so we had a slow walk round playing in the leaves and chatting, Sadie was in teh pram and hapiily shouting at every dog that went past. At the water garden/bridge Arch wanted to play in the stream - he was road testing his cool new wellies so I was ok with it, then he tried to go further - I hauled him back, next thing I know he is off - squealing an running through the reeds - I got the fright of my life, leapt over the barrier and ran through the reeds after him ( I had no idea how deep the water was......) I was up to my knees in muck - white converse and all, he was laughing so hard. Not for long, he was shoved on his buggy board and I squelched/marched my way home, him screaming the whole way "I want to go park" and eventually " I want to be good" (I caved at that point and gave him a cuddle). Got some funny looks as I squelched home with muddy feet and screaming child. To top the lot though, every fews days since he rbings me my now ruined cons and says "look, clean now mummy!" - cleaner than they were when I was knee deep in mud that's for sure.
In the said stream prior to entry.......

Friday, 11 November 2011


When Alfie died I had the overwhelming desire for him, I remember repeatedly telling anyone who was prepared to listen, "i just want my baby". I was however, reluctant to say I missed him - because although I had carried him, I never felt I truly knew him. As with all babies - I talked to him and dreamt of our future, but as I never spent time with him earth side I didn't know him if you see what I mean, how can one miss someone they've never met? I felt odd when I read other babyloss mums writing about how much they miss their babies.
Lately I've been pondering  the word' missing', and a few nights ago in the middle of the night it came to me -after 4 years I realised I don't miss him, I miss what I had imagined as our future - he is however 'missing'.
Missing from my family, missing from our cosy mornings in bed, his birthday will be celebrated tomorrow and he won't be there - he'll be missing - forever missing from my life.
Which leads me to think, how can someone I never knew, someone I haven't heard cry, seen smile or heard shout mama have left such an enormous gap? After 4 years, I had thought I would have come to terms with his death, however if anything it has become harder. The raw grief has passed, but as every year passes I am a year further away from him, from his smell, his touch his softness. He is frozen in time and I guess a part of me has too. I am a fully functioning human, mother, wife,daughter sister, friend, teacher - however a teeniest part of me remains stuck- frozen back on the day they told me my 1st child was dead, nothing now will ever recover that time, its gone and its as if a part of me seems to have left with him.
I guess, the word missing is the closest word people have to describe the emptiness, the total lack one feels when they lose a baby. There doesn't seem to be suitable language  to describe the emotions one feels - as though losing a baby is so 'un -normal' its never warranted a word to describe it, instead we have to borrow language from other situations - hmmm now I know I'm not making sense and I'm sleep deprived.  People say 'I don't know what to say' - is it because we don't have the words to describe the awfulness of what has happened, or because as a society we've never needed them, because historically our babies weren't fullyfledged members of society and therefore one didn't need language to discuss something that simply didn't exist.
Last year on Alfie's anniversary  for the first time I felt an emptiness in the gestures we made to mark his special day. Those gestures seemed to emphasis the lack of him rather than celebrate him.
I listened to an interesting debate this week about babyloss and one of the panel, a psychatrist was discussing the lack of rituals surrounding babyloss. This idea resonated with me, it is so true - and the sad fact is that recognised rituals don't exist simply because society doesn't recognise our babies and therefore they don't require a specific ritual. We have to make our own rituals, which are recognised by other people who've lost a baby - these rituals appear macabre to anyone outside the group, and to be brutally frank I think that prior to Alfie's death I would have found the idea of a birthday cake for a dead child odd. We are, however forced into creating 'special' things to do, to validate our childs existence.
This week someone at work did the usual  "now you've got two wee ones to look after..." I am well aware of the beauty and awesomeness of Archie and Sadie - I don't need to be told that, and certainly not as a vehicle to avoid discussing the 'missing' child.

Hmmm on re reading this I realise I'm clearly feeling hostile - bracing myself for the overwhelming sadness that is to come.
Kisses to my darling boy xxx Mummy loves you whether you are missing or not

Sunday, 6 November 2011

What is grass made of?

Archie asked me this the other day at silly o'clock while we were making cookies (the things you find yourself doing at 6am). I attempted to explain about seeds sun rain etc......his response "that's weird". When did my wee one become so grown up?
I know its great that he is so inquisitive already asking what things do and what they are for?  try explaining the point of fireworks to an almost  3 yrs old.....My current fave Archie asked chat is  "i really love you mummy" or the"i love you too" (before anyone tells him they love him) - i hear it easily 25 times a day an never tire of it.

Thursday, 3 November 2011

My Haha can talk.......

Woke up this morning to Haha Shouting "i want daddy" so clear i thought it was a dream. She has been saying the odd word for a few months but its clear now to non-family.
Words so far.
Juju - juice
Bubas - i want boob fed.
Tata - dummy

So odd to hear such a teeny wee thing talking, specially because Archie doodle was well over 2 before he spoke. Sadie has only just started walking and still prefers to crawl, they done the opposite to one another. Shame they are with thrashers - Haha seems to be following her brother on that score, her long standing favourite is emptying the food cupboard-10 times a day. Hmm should put a lock on it, but that would spoil the fun


We made our 1st pumpkin lanterns this year....
Archie loved it. However, for actual Halloween night Pug and I made an old school Scottish tumshy lantern. I reckon Pug was more excited about it than the kids, they do look more gnarly looking that's for sure.

Friday, 14 October 2011

If grief came with a manual.........

it would read - once box is opened, it can never be closed again.

Step one - How one deals with this fact is entirely personal. Some of us mourn publicly loudly for a long time - others quietly and quickly and then pick up the pieces and 'move on'.

When Alfie died, I was horrified at the idea that one day I would be one of those women whose life is consumed with loss. Who wears jewellery with their child's name around their neck, publicly announcing my child died(i opted for a more subtle bracelet with his tiny photo and a lock of his hair), I have a teeny teeny photo in our house which unless you looked carefully you'd never see.
I never wanted to deny my boy, however he is mines and lives in my heart - I don't need to look at his photo - nor wear a t-shirt that says 'angel mummy'.  I rarely put up a facebook status about Alfie, except on his anniversary and in babyloss week, I know that might seem cold in comparison to other mums who post constantly but I feel happy with my way.
That is not to say, those who do go down this route of mourning are any better or any worse than me - it's simply a means of survival and what works best for one.

Of late my life has been consumed by sands and hence I feel I have become one of those mums who lives and breathes bereavement, how did I get here?
I was the positive one, the one who wouldn't be defined by my loss - I wanted to be much more than that 'women who lost her baby'. I fear in some eyes that's what I've become - this is not the case, as such life goes in waves...right now I'm in a sands phase, which will hopefully settle and my other more 'normal' life will return,. By normal I mean my normal - because really what is normal? What the majority do? What my peers do? who the hell knows what to do when a baby dies, who the hell really knows what to do when anyone dies - whether expected or unexpected one is never prepared for the harsh stark reality of loss. The curse of the human condition.

Step two - it's a continual learning curve.
Every time I think I've got it nailed something else comes up! I dot along in my cosy bubble loving my children I hold in my arms and loving the child I hold in my heart. I am surrounded by other mums who've lost a baby and it has become second nature to 'chat' about our wee ones, both living and lost.......HOW on earth did I not realise that others just don't want to hear that? One forgets that my 'normal' isn't everyone else's - I always thought/hoped one of the positive things about losing Alfie was that it had made me a more compassionate person - yikes, maybe not. When did I become so self-absorbed I forgot about others feelings.....

Thing is, it doesn't consume me, I very rarely cry anymore ( maybe I should, rather than this once a year malarky, which is all consuming and exhausting), and never chat about him at work or with boob club mums. I no longer need to scream out 'I LOST MY BABY' quietly inside while others are chatting about their live children. This is partly due to time and my darlings who I can cuddle and love daily. I know Alfie is with me in memory and that's enough now. The rawness has most certainly subsided - however like Karma, grief come back to bite you on the as. Just when life is dotting along the bubble bursts and it all comes rushing back. Grief is hard enough without feeling judged about the way one copes and survives through it - see we really do need a manual - then no one would be offended or hurt, there is plenty enough of that being doled out by life in general.

Step 3 - find a way to survive it. This can change regularly, however it is easier to go with ones emotions (in my opinion) as opposed to bottling them up.
I am a talker and an obssesser - or as my mum would say 'a dog with a bone', hmmm wonder where that comes from mum?
When Alfie died I talked about him non stop, it was all I could do to make him seem real, otherwise those 9months didn't really happen. I realise I am a very open person and much prefer to deal with things head on, I always assume the best in people and think 'talking' can solve the worlds problems - well that's what I tell my school kids - how can I preach peace to them and not firmly believe negotiation is the best way forward. Duh, Clare you live in a naive idealistic world, you'd think by 40 I'd have sussed that one out!

 Step 4 - always always use any emotional situation to make you become a better person.

Although I over analyse everything - and hmm truthfully nothing sometimes I try to come up with a positive spin on situations, again a teaching ideology. How, can one become a better person if they don't improve and learn from their mistakes?  Of late I seem to be offending everyone with my ways of dealing with grief - so I am taking it all on board and adjusting accordingly. I will endeavor to be more sensitive to others feelings and emotions, I will not discuss my loss publicly, I have this blog to help me if I need to ponder on my wee man. The good thing is all these new realisations will help me and others, so that can't be a bad thing.

Last and final step (so far, as I'm sure I'll struggle and learn about how to cope with my loss for the rest of my days)
You can not quantify grief, nor can one type of loss be any worse or any better than another. 
Losing a person who is loved, wanted, cherished cared for is hard regardless of gestation of pregnancy, how many minutes the child lived, how many years you've rasied and nurtured your child or how many years you've loved and shared life with that person -  it is irrelevant the gaping massive hole they left is the same size and all the dealing/coping/surviving in the world ain't gonna ever fill it back up - that's the shitty reality.
How we deal with the reality of the loss is what makes it different and, as I said above we must all do what it takes to get through, whilst hopefully not hurting anyone in the process.

And so......I feel better after articulating all of that - I hope this helps others to understand my process of dealing with grief and helps them deal with theirs. Big love to all, xxxx

Sunday, 18 September 2011

feeling blah

Look at those beauties, been missing blogging about the darlings.
I've been feeling ambivalent about the blog recently - it caused some minor controversy (which I can't be arsed going into), however I've decided to reclaim it as MINES. I love writing about what we've been up to, it is so precious to me - being able to keep a record of and for the kids.
Also it is getting to that time of year again - our anniversary time, 4 of us in a row - how harsh is that. So grateful we found one another in our pain and we can help ease it, specially as the years roll on and people start to expect you to roll on too I guess. Not so, never - everyday I think of my boy, so if I can allow myself a few days of Alfie indulgence I will, I feel I earn it by being so strong and capable the rest of the year. This year we are going to a bday party for 3 wee ones on the day of Alfie's birth, however it is a sands mums babies party,  so what better company could I be in.

I've been keeping busy with the sewing, the above are my 1st attempt at a pair of wee ones slippers. I was quite happy with them, My friend Viv is due her 1st baby in a few weeks and I took these as a wee gift to the baby shower.
I've also been busy doing stuff for the kids ans socks for pugs but need to get organised and take photos.

Thursday, 1 September 2011

a day of 1sts

Archie's first day at playgroup.....he loved it. Was up at 6.30am asking 'i go playgroup mummy', no bad considering he's had a yucky cold and been wabbit. He ran in and didn't look back. He stood up when his name was called for register and he gave his news 'mummy go coffee' - he got a clap and was apparently very proud of himself.

Sadie and I had 2 hours to ourselves, so what else ca a girl do but shop! Sadie got her 1st real shoes, they are called Ida Delilah, how cute are they???? Just chuffed we didn't have to go for pink. Not sure if the photo shows it well enough, but they are a lovely strong purple colour.

When we finished shopping we went to pick doodle up, I sneaked a look through the window, he was happily putting his 'red pinny' for painting away. He came to meet us in the cafe, covered in blue paint - apparently Adele had to chase him round the room, she said he was loving it and you'd never know it was his 1st day.....not sure whether i should be pleased about him more than happily trotting off with out me or not. It was lovely to shop without being shouted at, and to have some lovely girls time with Sadie x

Wednesday, 17 August 2011

Only a day has passed and already I can see the benefit of being able to say this wee mans name every week. Bonus is he seems a nice wee boy, cheeky chappy but bright and kind, the things I would have wanted for my Alfie. That poor boy isn't ever going to know how significant he's been or will become in the process of learning to live without my child.
I spoke with some of of my wonderful sands mums tonight and the supportive, nutters at knitwits - in fact I say spoke hmmm actually cried for ages......we all agreed, one only ever learns to live without your child up to a point. After that it is just the harsh shitty painful reality of loss, nothing can fill the void. Life goes on, new babies come along (if your lucky), day to day life continues, you heal from the shock of the loss - the wide open raw pain, but then the longterm loss sets in, you know that it isn't going to get any better than this, its just a way of life to be dealt with, some days dealt with better than others. Yet, every day without fail I think of my boy - now more of what would have been, what kind of person he would be? It's hard to believe its been nearly 4 years since I've seen him, held him, smelt him.......... my mind plays tricks, some days he is seems like a vague dream I once had, others it feels like I saw him last week.
This time of year is forever my Alfie season, fall/autumn....summer fades and I start to re live the significant dates leading up to his death. I know his anniversary will be beautiful, a day filled with unadulterated thoughts of him - a liminal phase, where real life stops so I can give some time just to Alfie. It's the build up that sucks. My closest sands mums all lost their wee ones round about the same time of year, so we all start to feel fragile and vulnerable together, although I would never wish the pain of babyloss on anyone, I am truly grateful for these woman in my life, without whom my diffcult journey would have been lonely, with them it is filled with love, encouragement, support, genuine friendship - and not to forget the chance to talk freely about our wee ones without judgement or others morbid curiosity, or even worse the rolling of eyes speaking a million 'isn't she over it yet', or 'here she goes again  on about her depressing life'. Hell we even laugh and indulge ourselves every now and again - Dakota here we came ladies xxxx

Tuesday, 16 August 2011

Harsh - ouch!!!!

So, 1st day back and 1st lesson, 1st child I spoke to ......
Mrs Williams 'welcome to rmps everyone, hope all well and happy. Lets just go round saying our names so I can write down where you are all sitting. Let's start with you - points to small boy with lovely curly brown hair.
Small boy 'Alfie'...........
Mrs Williams mumbles 'oh, eh, that's a lovely name'.
Lovely wee Alfie with brown curly hair looks at me like I'm off my head!

Isn't is shitey enough that I had to go back to work and leave my babies, that my 'Alfie' stage of life is passing by. It was all i could do not to say, oh I had a wee boy called Alfie who died - I didn't want to pass it by, however I did, of course - poor child doesn't need to know that. He is the 1st child I've come into contact with, I've never met another Alfie, nor heard the name said - not in relation to my Alfie. It's gonna be tough saying it every week in class. I told the ladies in the staffroom and had a wee tear, I think they thought I was nuts.....Sands mums will get the significance of it I'm sure.

Other than that, it was cool. Kids were great, I'm shattered - but I remember now why I love teaching.
I also looked at the kids from a mums perspective for the 1st time. I had a rather odd, awkward wee man in one class, I felt my heart twinge as I saw him, thinking his mum must be wringing her hands at home worrying about him on his 1st day in the big school. Hopefully my new found compassion for the kids will help my teaching.....

Monday, 15 August 2011

hair clips

I've been trying to think of ways to use up all my scrap fabric, I hate to throw anything away.
I came up with this idea, an amalgam of various other crafty bloggers ideas - not bad. The two on teh right are for Anne's birthday. I reckon folk will be sick of them soon.

Sunday, 14 August 2011


Things I've learnt while on maternity leave.
1. Sleep when you can.
2. Time moves too too quickly.
3. How to bake, cakes, cookies, meringues.
4. How to make Jam, strawberry and raspberry.
5. How to sew, beautiful dresses for Sadie and recently cool trousers for Archie - photos to follow.
6. How to multi-task. 
7. How important the woman are in my life, Sands mums, knitwits, boob clubs mums, my mum and Auntie Momo - all helped, supported and made this last year a great journey - helping me learn how to be a mum, thanks xxx
8. Life is beautiful.
My favourite Sadie things 
1. She takes her tata out her mouth, puts it in mine and then helps herself to a boob feed.
2. She makes a funny face on cue.
3. Her nonplussed face when she stands and we all get excited.
4. when she puts her arms infront of her and cozzies in for a cuddle.
5. How she pulls her brothers curls.
6. The cheeky smile when she knows she isn't meant to go into the kitchen cupboard, but does it anyway.
7. Her first few words, Mama, Dada, tata and Ta.
8. Maude getting a Kissey face in the morning and a pat on the back. 
My favourite Archie things
  1. 'Mummys leetil baby' 
2. Say mama Haha, say dada Haha.
3. Sleeping in his teepee instead of his bed, with 'mummy's blankie' - our old mattress protecter.
4. 'What you dooie?' 
5. 'Where that car goey?' 
6. That he strokes his arms to help soothe himself to sleep - but would rather stroke mine.
7. His sheer delight when he sees me, although his delight in sitting on me as opposed to a chair has resulted in many bruises.
8. A wee 'boob' feed before bed while fighting with sister over which boob is whose!

I return to work tomorrow and clearly feel the need to record these moments.....I worry I'll lose touch with my lovelies, leaving them - I know they'll be with there dad or grandmama and granda, but it's not ME!
Finally my darling Alfie boy, each transition into a 'new phase' takes me a step further away from you wee man. 4years is a long time darling, lots has happened and all down to you. Four years ago at this time mummy was so excited about starting her new job, getting ready for you coming - a world full fo possibilties. Little did I know what a different outcome we would have, not raising you was never one of those possibitlies. In a different world I would be taking you to Nursery tomorrow, instead I dream of  what you would have been.............................sweet dreams to all my loves xxx

Tuesday, 2 August 2011

I won!

I never win anything, so was v excited when I read I had won the choice of 2 lovely patterns from Little lizard king designs. I chose the one above and this one
If your reading this Helen, these are the two I was telling you to hold off for. Talking of lovely Helen, I made her wee one Eilidh a wee birthday outfit. I used the same fabric for the outer as Sadie's - the Michael Miller mushrooms, but chose a lovely plae blue with pink spots for the inner and wee trews. I hope you all agree she is adorable
I must post a pic of Sadie in the same outfit. I used the pattern
I made it a but bigger for Eilidh.....hope it will last longer that way. I'm thinking of selling some fo my outfits, not sure how I feel about it yet or where i will find the time! I'll see how much interest there is in them then I'll decide. As a footnote, I've been meaning to write for ages re Airch's potty or not, training. We are having lots of fun emptying it, and learning to wash our hands and dry them. The best bit though is his choice of potty! so far we have had, the potty,one of my shoes, a tupperware box, a plastic drinking cup, Thomas the tank engine ride on (his fave next too the potty, he calls it his train potty), my dads garden hose, my friends (the lovely Kirsty) hose for her dyson hoover, chicco stacking cups, I may add he does it all standing 'like grandad' so quite a good aim for a wee man!

end of an era

sitting at my desk eating lunch, no wee ones begging food or shouting at me wanting joo joo. shit its tough know its 2weeks till i come back and only for 3 days a week till Easter but it is v definitely the beginning of the end of my life as a ft mummy. so sad, fir some reason it is making me v sad about alfie boy, life moving so quickly - he time with me feels such a long time ago.also aware that ft work is with me now for the foreseeable future.....no more playground boob club Tuesday club, gonna miss my sands girls too much. life is tough. i think i'm mourning the loss of alfie again because the kids are no longer babies and we are having no more babies....no longer in a baby phase which will forever be connected to my 1st baby, who never got to grow up

Friday, 22 July 2011

almond valley farm

Today we all went to the farm - the kids loved it. So did Grand-mama and Momo. I still feel a little off, no sure whats up. Going to have an early night and see if that helps any. The highlight of the farm was the wee train ride, doodle was in awe watching them 'hook up'.
Sadie love was so sweet with all the animals, desperate to touch the wee shetland pony.
The 2 milk maids, archie loving the beep beeps - he was shouting about mummys milk and beep beeps when he saw the huge udders on the bouncy castle cow LOL

Thursday, 21 July 2011

think we did it!

my wee darling has done it, this is the result of 8.30pm - 6.30am sleeping in own bed. She is doing so well and as you can see is so very happy in the morning. She still comes in and has mumas milk in the am, and is fed to sleep at night - but hey ho. full nights sleep for mum = happy energetic mum during the day (well that's the plan, think it might take a few more days before I catch up after 3 years of broken sleep). Our next big step is Archie's potty antics - that's a whole other story - save it for a day when I'm not shattered.

Sunday, 17 July 2011

what day is it again.....

What a cheeky wee besom your getting Haha.....
But my darling - you did it, you slept from 11pm - 6am, I was awake before you...fretting something was wrong. But don't worry I fell back to sleep.
Had to add a wee one of stinky brother, climbing as usual with mental hair!
We went with Momo today to a new Farm shop - Archie spent the whole journey saying her wanted to go to muddy boots, however he was the strawberry picker par excellence, so well behaved and loved it. Although, he did run away during coffee - due to his choclate icecream being finished, when I finally found him, he'd exited the place and ws filling a PYO tub with the strawberries already in punnets for sale on the shelves, I was cracking up - he was so proud of himself 'a pick strawberies mummy'. Sadie ate her own weight in rasps during picking - hmmm to tomorrows nappies, might have to make sure daddy is on nappy duty.
These babies are destined for the jam pan......yummy

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Meeting Mr Brown

No photo as yet, hoping to get one from the local paper. Pug, myself and the kids all went to sainsburys on friday to collect a cheque on behalf of sands. I wasn't that fussed until the night before when Pug said he wanted to come too and that we were meeting an ex world leader. In the US you'd never get that close to an expresident - so off we all trotted on friday morning. I had expected a quick hand over of the gigantic cheque and a wee photo, but no. Mr Brown came and sat with us and 2 other charities for a wee blether. He was quite genuine and was adorable with Sadie, who loved him and giggled and flirted outrageously. The photographer took a ton of photos, but none in todays paper - I had hoped we'd be in. It seems great for sands - and more importantly for newly bereaved mums to see a mum who has gone on to have live happy babies. SO if nothing comes of it, i'll send a photo and wee blurb to the weekly local paper. I did tell Mr Brown about Alfie and as his wee girl Jennifer died in forth park also I felt some kind of mutual understanding, i suppose. Archie spent the whole time saying 'hello gordon'....very cute and a big hit too. Bummer we never won the pitch though - the othr 2 charities both have paid employees - i wished i'd remembered ot say we were all bereaved volunteers - next time. Felt proud to be meeting him and for the kids, and I did tell him with out their big brother we wouldn't be there - without there big brother we'd be at a very different place today - thank you my darling wee man for all the good things you've given us my shining star xxx

4th morning and it's all becoming a blur

Look at that cheeky face, shouting at her mummy - the latest is pointing at everything, oh and she can now climb in and out of her sandpit and the front door, and best of all - empty mums kitchen cupboards
Well, she is improving at settling - phew, however she is still up sooo early and this am she never went back to sleep. Sadie is much happier playing in mummy daddy bed - so we both went back and had a great big nap in the late morning - felt lazy but needed. Plus it is totally puring down so nowt much to do outside anyways. Sat niht is choclate night = happy mummy xx

Friday, 15 July 2011

morning 3 - scared to say we saw an improvement.....

Well, Sadie missed her aft nap yesterday because we had a lovely day at the beach. So by 7pm she was shattered - fell asleep in own bed on her own - woo hoo...but alas, 8.45 she wakes and isn't a happy bunny. I gave her a big feed and daddy sang her back to sleep - yai hai, she slept until 3.30am!!! but then wouldn't be settled without a feed after much trying caved in at 5am and brought her into my bed - I was shattered. so now I know she can sleep for 6hrs uninterrupted, just have to get the right 6 hrs. She just went down 20mins ago - so fingers crossed for another few hrs....a wee sneaky 11pm sleep and then maybe - 5am? am I asking too much? hmmm i feel a fall coming

Thursday, 14 July 2011

morning 2 in the big bed....

The second am - she did no bad, She is however shouting at me from her room as I type this, hatin it (both of us are), got to stay strong. Last night she managed - 10.30pm bf and daddy sang her to sleep - the her usual night wake - again daddy settled her and up at 5.45am for her bf, fell back to sleep with me until 7.30 ....my big girl we can do this baby. xx

Wednesday, 13 July 2011


Finally spoke to the woman tonight about my new tattoo - it was a chance meeting, her shop happened to be open as I left knitwits. I popped into see a friends hats that ar eonsale int eh shop and spoke about the tattoo. So it's agreed - on my wee mans aniversary this year I will finally be getting his memorial tattoo. sad and happy all at once. X

the morning after.....

The beautiful Ms S P WIlliams after her 1st night in her own bed! Well, it took 2 and half hours to get her to sleep, she woke at 11pm for a BF then at 1.30 her dad settled her and then at 5.15am she woke for her am feed - not bad for a 1st go. She has spent her entire life so far sleeping next to the best 24hr cafe in her world........mummy misses her x

Monday, 11 July 2011

sadie sadie pretty lady - 1st bday party

God it's only been just over a week since we had the wee ones party - and it feels like an eternity ago! mainly because the weather feels like a different season.
We made her a yummy cake, which everyone really enjoyed - to my relief. I spent days cooking, I wanted everything to be just right - your only one once and I know no more wee ones are comign along to spoil.
Scones for the tea party, I even made 2 kinds of jam (a new and exciting experience)
I have some weirdo look going on in this photo, but ti's braw to have one of us together.....Archie will have been off knicking some cakes or throwing himsel around on the bouncy castle.

Friday, 1 July 2011

cuteness on my birthday

uncle antony took this lovely photo. i look a wee bit bewildered but im ok really x

sorry guys, just tried this out on my new phone to see how it would work - must learn how to rotate and save photos prior to posting!

Wednesday, 29 June 2011

a whole year....how life changes

Sadie darling opening her 1st bday card from GG
Eating her cake although she was mostly interested in the strawberries! hmmm she's been off her food all day, maybe finally teeth are on there way?
A lovely dolly from granma- we noticed a few weeks ago how much she is loving faces, she really responds and gets all giggly. She was v cute with her dollies - chatting away to them. Auntie Monica got her to dance , arms flying, bum shaking, much like her mummy. Sadie my love, when your older and you look back on this - know you and Airch are the best thing I've ever done - thank you for all the smiles, dribbly kisses and total adoration I recieve from you. Nothing beats or comes close to it. I think of your big brother on our special days and wonder what he would be doing in our wee life? in our picture? A wee hand missing from our plate today.....never far from mumas thoughts and always in her heart. One day when your all grown up muma will explain to you....... I feel sad and guilty that on your special days mumma has a wee tear for your brother, but know this never alters the love I have for you - in fact if anything it has made me love and appreciate you more, another gift from your big brother.So wee one, my mini Haha - you'll just have to put up with mums blue moments - it'll be out weighed by the enormous affection you receive constantly. xxxxx to all my babies earthside and otherwise

busy weekend......preparations for Haha's 1st bday.

This weekend had been a busy, and thanks to Pug I've had plenty sleep and plenty of mum time to make. Auntie Monica watched the kids on sat afternoon so I was able to get stuff done.
A wee set of rompers, I had intended to make them with some lovely Michael Miller 'love birds' fabric - but didn't have enough, so this came from my stash.
A close up
Then I made some bunting, I made from all the scraps of the clothes I've made her this year. it's so cheerful I might put itup in my classroom ( scary thought that!).
Finally her dolly......I love her. I did want to make a doll from scratch but no quite that good yet. clothkits is fine for us.

Friday, 24 June 2011


My wee love is rapidly approaching her 1st birthday very mixed emotions in my head I can tell you. Still wee enough to bathe in sink tho!
Fathers day bonnie frock and the cons - of course. We went to 'muddy boots', was great. Kids happy playing in munchkins land, Dad happy dirt sledging, mum happy pottering round yummy food shop.
Another wee smiley face bath/sink shot.....too cute to resist. Finally have an firm answer on my return to work - I say Finally, we will wait and see but for now I return in 7 weeks at the beginning of term 3 days a week. Mon - wed which means no more boob club and no more tuesday club, sigh - the life of a working mum looms yuck yuck. I wonder if I'll ever be ready to leave them full time? I have organised Archie going once a week to the secret garden nursery, very excited - totally outdoor nursery, no building, all year round playing in woods come rain or shine, perfect for my wee 'boyish' boy.

Saturday, 18 June 2011

sands charity

Fife sands was nominated to be sainsbury's local charity by someone who has never experienced child loss directly. This in itself was a great honor, however we also got down to the last 3 - I had to go into the store and talk to the colleague council about our work. For some reason when I told them a very very brief outline of or story I cried....when I said 2hrs later they came back and he was dead' normally I never cry at that point. Anyhow we never won - 5 points too short. However they are giving us bag pack day and a fun day.......I think I might ask them to put u a banner around the national AGM also. After the talk I went with Mum to the cemetry - I cried again most unlike me! I think Im just a little burnt out - feeding Sadie for almost a year and never having more than 3 hrs sleep is taking its toll. I have a wee infection in my nose also - all contributing to a very tired and emotional mummy - Oh yes also dealing with staffing issues at work. I am craving some clare time not too sleep, to be - read or knit or sew or listen to the radio....... Feels shitty to complain however I am human and although I know the pain of being without a much wanted child I can still be me right? I can still want time for myself?

Friday, 17 June 2011

we are having a major malfunction re photos - Archie lost y sd card for my camera and my phone is so old I cant get my photos on to facebook to get onto C. So i've manged to get a few fro tagged fb photos.
Sadie looked absolutely adorable at the wedding as did Archie. His kilt outfit was a big hit! Sadies outfit was great I was up until midnight finishing the crochet on her bolero. I will try and get photos up soon.
Peggy aka PP was a flower girl and looked beautiful she had a lovely wee headband on made by her lovely mummy - made from loads of little cream buttons - must get one for Sadie. Big news round here is the prep for Sadies 1st bday. Bunting to make, doll to make, romper suit to make.......and on the day yummy scones cakes and mini sarnies to make. It is an emotional time coming towards her bday - I keep going back to how I felt last year at this time, still haven't looked at her baby baby photos.....time travels too fast. On that note - she is still teeny and has nae teeth! I showed a lovely friend Alfie's photo - the one I carry in my purse a few days ago, she'd never seen him as I met her after I lost him, quite recently actually. She cried - I've forgotten that people aren't used to photos of dead babies, its become so normal to me. This makes me sad and happy all at once. I cried when Gill cried - it made him real again - almost!

Sunday, 29 May 2011

Been a while......

I've really missed writing our wee blog, but life has been hectic. Last weekend I went to Aberdeen to the SANDS Scottish network day, it was really interesting, The Child Bereavement charity did a presentation, it was fantastic.We met some great people and found some useful resources. The most exciting thing for me, is that I'm to be a media representative for sands in Scotland, I'll get some training - thank goodness. Finally I get to use my big gob and love of my own voice for something so worthwhile! On monday I did my parents story at the hospitals training that I had fought hard to be put in place - I stayed for the training and also found it interesting, I still think we can do a better job, more interactive and more use of bereaved parents, it was suggested we have a fathers story in the future. I asked Pug and to my surprise, he said he would do it.
My wee mini Haha is coming on as you can see she spends her time pulling herself up in furniture and then getting stuck and frustrated.....so I spend my days moving her around from chair to table to highchair etc. She does fit the wee converse....she did have 2 on today, she just managed to pull one off. She is so dinky - her lovely bows and anchors top is a 3-6 months and still long in the arms. Archie doodle is talking non-stop now, although I am still his main interpreter, he did spontaneously say 'i love you' last week - I had a tear, my beautiful babies. All this sands activity only makes me realise more just how blessed I am to have 2 adorable babies to care for, watch grow and love. My darling Alfie - missed and thought of daily, without him - we wouldn't be the family we are. Thank you my wee star xxx