Another year further on.....x

Strange to think that the last 5 years have been the hardest and yet the sweetest. We have come along way, and yet the further we have come the further I am from Alfie. That pretty much sums up our bittersweet situation.

We did however, have a lovely day - took beautiful flowers to Alfie's grave, the kids took balloons - gorgeous red and purple with wee heart balloons attached. I shed a tear or few when I saw the kids, especially wee Pegster.....the innocence, is heartbreaking - my 2 are way too informed and au fait with death and the grave yard is pedestrian to them. The cakes at Loch Levens Larder were as lush as usual, as was the company. The kids were great, shame it was awful weather, the day Alfie died it was a gorgeous sunny autumnal day. Monday was grim and grizzly, didn't stop our lot - out playing in the rain.
My mum always has a mass said for Alfie, as I never go to mass nor believe in any form of afterlife I go for my mums sake......This year I was way more emotional, I think because for the 1st time I had to spend the day hiding my tears from the kids, previously they have been unaware of my emotional state. It was so healthy to let go, and allow the tears to fall, I had a small pool sitting in the valley of my neck.
Pug and I watched a movie and had some quiet time in the eve, it felt good to just be together.

I spent tue in an exhausted fog, I always find the aftermath way harder - tears so close to the surface. Luckily the kids were in nursery so I slept loads, and hung out in the house avoiding anyone other than Pugs....licking my wounds and navel gazing. I went for  run at the time Alfie was born, it was pissing down I was soaking and it was dark - I spent the whole run remembering him in my arms. So glad I ran, more time for 'us'.

One of the lovely things about the day was my dad's awareness I was dreading him having no idea what was going on, he was however on the ball. He even managed to write our card with his left hand.......different tears.

My beautiful wee man, another year over - yet  your presence is still felt and far reaching. Archie talks of you often and both him and Sadie look in your box regularly. Never forgotten my 1st boy, my forever baby xxxx

lost count....

Don't even know how many days it has been since I posted.
I've missed writing, posting photos and keeping track of our lives, however in the main life has been pretty tough, truth be told.
I really didn't want to document for our future a crappy phase, that said I can't let my wee mans anniversary pass without writing.

Not sure why 5 years seems so significant, why it should be any harder than any other. I have felt pretty fragile for a  a few weeks, however tonight I feel numb. I'm exhausted and in many ways I am relishing the prospect of having a day to feel down legitimately, how hellishly self indulgent.
In some ways I miss Alfie more as time moves on, the harsh pain of loss has gone, now the constant shadow of how my life would have been is what I live with.
I also query now whether, I should be feeling so emotional at this stage? I'm sure a number of people will judge me over the next few days - I'm calling in to work tomorrow. The prospect of teaching kids and being under that level of stress is too much. I want to spend a day in peace with our living kids, holding them close and thinking of their big brother. We are going to take flowers to the cemetery, the kids are taking balloons and then we are going for cake and a walk as a family.

This time 5 years ago Pug and I were having dinner with my Antony and Kirsty, I was massive and so uncomfortable. 37+4 weeks pregnant and just 'waiting'. I had a few tightenings over the eve and was quietly becoming excited - little did I know it would be the last night of my life as I was to know it. Life has now become pre and post Alfie.....sigh xxx

Not a day goes by without thinking of you sweetheart, my heart is bigger and stronger than I ever imagined possible, thanks for that wee man xxx

257-263 quiet week, friends and family time, lovely.

We have had a mellow week, lots of time for cuddles and napping together, hmmm actually I just keep falling asleep in the kids bed at night. Which is so cosy, especially when Archie tells me as he is falling asleep 'your my heart mummy, I love you' - gosh wee man I couldn't have said it better myself.

Yesterday I spent the day with the kids visiting Grandma Granda for lunch. We had a great time, for the 1st time I left the kids with them and popped down the town for 20mins and it was a success.Dad is steadily improving, he does seem to understand more of what we are saying, although more asking him to do something rather than chat. I still catch myself sometimes forgetting he isn't who he was and become overwhelmed with sadness. My lovely dad, I miss him.
My mum is coping, I must say again for the record how amazing she is, not only is she taking amazing care of my dad she is also totally supporting his rehab......her teacher instinct i think. On top of all of that, she is also picking me up from work, picking up the kids from nursery, picking up shopping for us during the week - what a legend.
Talking of legends (must be genetic)  we also visited with GG who we haven't had a chance to see for weeks, another lovely blether, sweeties for the bairns and more cuddles. She was full of her usual chat and chuffed to see the wee ones.

We also had the pleasure of Andrew this week doing a wee stint at wrap around care - what a pleasure, he occupied the kids so well I actually got the dinner made without either of them screaming, pulling at my skirt, battering each other or any other major meltdowns, he is welcome anytime. He is the master Thomas track engineer and a hero in Archie's eyes

sheer joy to a wee man

Friday night the kids a lovely new treat from a friend from work, Archie loved the map of Australia in the back of Possum Magic and Mini loved the food in both of them. Adorable books and such kindness form a great woman.

243-256 phew we made it - so far

Well somethings got to give - here's the list
starting with  - My sanity! closely followed by sleep, kid time, time alone, sewing (whats that) knitting and running. Gutted gutted I never did the 10K, I've been harping on about it for months - 8 to be precise, it was my goal for the year. Never mind, en route I have managed to run regularly enough that I miss it if I can't fit a run in, hence daily lunchtime visits to the school gym treadmill.

I have had little to post about other than the daily grind. Yesterday Momo and I took the kids to fife animal park, they loved it. Baby meerkats feeding from mama was a big hit with Sadie and Archie loved a wee deer that he wanted to take home for a pet.

 Afterwards we went to pillars of Hercules, love it there, always feel relaxed and happy whilst visiting. Even more excited to see they are offering semi wild camping now, bonus. Sadie 'luffs' doggies, Pillars is always a good spot to meet new doggie pals.


I'm doing skirtember again this year. I figure it will be nice to have a month of frivolous posting......I wonder if I look much different from last year, I bloody hope so after all the running.

236-242 Yikes, Baptism of fire

what a hellish week, I returned to work on monday pretty keyed, was mucked around all day and finally at 3.30pm was told that my request to go pt was rejected - for now! what, we had no childcare in place for the end of the week, I was so upset - tears, rage, cuddles - sigh, rains but pours comes to mind.
I did manage however by wed to have settled down, dusted myself down and accepted that I may have to be a full time working mum.
All this has only been possible (in the manner of Oscar acceptance speech!) because once again our amazing family friends have stepped up.

The kids are really struggling wee lambs, Sadie follows me around constantly needing held, Archie is just exhausted and by Thursday was asking for a lazy day - Hmmm I wish son. I was on my knees by friday aft - no weekend rock n roll for us.

Sat we went to the park.

An awesome day was had by all, we spent the am doing housework stuff, such pleasure in making a pot of coffee and relaxing whilst pottering around the house and garden. The kids were so happy playing and relaxing. We spent the aft in the park, Momo took us. So peaceful, we walked and Archie rode his bike, we stopped at a bench and had a wee snack whilst looking out over the water, no rushing to be anywhere, the perfect antidote to a week of rushing every waking minute.

Sunday at the beach, just lovely. Costa coffee, digging, almond croissant, crabs, sea stars, worms, rock pools, new friends, sunshine, paddling - we all felt like we were back on holiday.



I have no idea how long I will have to be full time at work, I am trying to remain positive about the situation. Everyone keeps telling me that the kids will get used to it. I am aware they will, however I am also aware their getting used to 'it' is essentially them getting used to being without me. I want them to be independent but maybe no quite yet, sniff sniff.

xxx

232-35 last precious days of summer

This last few days have been lovely, albeit filled with concern over my return to work. I have tried to push it to the back of my mind and until today have done pretty well......

Thursday we went to Edinburgh to let the kids see the madness of the festival, and mad it was! Try getting down the high st with 2 exhausted children a pram and not get annoyed with the enthusiasm of the performers thrusting flyers into my face, deep breathe and relax!!!  Actually considering the hectiness of it, we had a really lovely day. St Andrews sq was a big hit, sandpit and east links farm, so both Sadie and Archie were happy, sand and tractors what a combo.

We met Auntie Iny in the gardens, then walked round castle terrace to the high st - Archie fascinated by the castle, Sadie a little overwhelmed.
Then a stop for a cuppa at Saint Arbucks...mmmm I know on some levels I shouldn't love it but I do, my total guilty pleasure, blended decaf carmel mm mmm so glad we don't have one in kdy.

Archie enjoying his hot choc, the offending article in the foreground and Auntie Iny's cheeky wee Pimms.

We, planted Kale for winter soup.

We had our last visit on Friday to Busy Bee's - tomorrow the kids are totally flying solo - after the visit we went to Momo's - Archie and Momo mowed the lawn, and washed the car - He loves helping, I love that he is kept busy.....

Sadie and I enjoyed hanging out in the sun - Yes she does have her legs inside my top, that girl wants to be a 'wee joey' all the day long.


I am so apprehensive about returning to work the morn, I know in a few weeks we will be rolling with the sitch, but right now it feels exhausting. Shit, I'm no the only working mum and I am only doing 2.5 days, but it seems massive right now. I am reminded of last year at this time when I returned to work.

So this years lists.

Sadie.
My darling girl how you've grown. From a few words to non stop chatter.
1. Mummy 'why did you.....e.g. throw that on the floor'. Sadie 'Cause I am'
2. You still lvoe mummies boobies more than anything in your whole world.
3. You use mummies behaviour tactics with Archie... Sadie 'get up Archie, I count 1, 2, 3,'
4. Your hair looks like Muffin Mclays in the morning and you smell awesome when you wake up.
5. You insist your name is Sadie Moocher.
6. You love all things sparkly
7. Strawberries are you favourite food.
8. You don't have to wear a nappy anymore during the day
9 You call strawberry milk 'charlie milk' and have to help me make it every morning

Archie
My beautiful son, your sheer joy from the world brings me daily pleasure.
1. From a boy who said a few words last year at this time, you seriously never stop talking. Last night you asked me to sing you to sleep to stop your brain from asking questions....I hope this means your gonna be a smart cookie.
2. You love all things diggers and trains, so much so I might even go to diggerland Durham for a holiday!
3. You look like Hairy Maclary all day with your mad crazy scruffy hair.
4. You are so kind, I love catching you helping you sister out, even if you want to 'get rid of Sadie, because she doesn't follow the rules' - this from my freewheeling free spirited son Hmmmm
5. You love Pizza, hot dogs and cheese - most of all ice cream and sweeties.
6. Bob the builder and danger diggers at work are your fave TV shows.
7. Mrs Ewan from nursery is your best friend and you want to marry her.
8. You want to see daddy at a gig.
9. you still love to stroke mummy to go to sleep at night.

And finally, my never forgotten wee'st man Alfie. In a few days time you would be starting school, I very rarely go down the route of what you would be doing, school is a biggie not to be missed. As each year passes you are still remembered, most recently your brother is fascinated by your and saddened that he doesn't have a brother to play with....... your always in my thoughts wee man, I will think of you and imagine a wee curly haired boy off to school on Tue morning...kisses from mumma

231 -glorious sunshine....inside and out

We had a lovely day today.
The amazing sun and the warmth it brings has such a positive affect on us all. The kids were so happy pottering about in the garden, Archie wanted a 'lazy day', I did manage however to persuade him to go to nursery. We had the most lovely walk round, Archie took his tractor and managed to ride it most of the way there and Sadie wanted to walk. I wised I'd taken my camera she looked so adorable trotting along with her backpack on, our neighbour commented that it looked like a parachute it was so big on her. Mini spent the whole journey saying 'my school is busy bees', she is so grown up and independent it frightens me, where has my wee one gone?

Archie asked again this morning about his brother and where we put him, so as it was such a gorgeous day we all went up to the grave. Pugs, myself, the kids and mum and dad all went, we left beautiful sunflowers for Alfie and brought one home for us to remind us of him when we are away from him. I sat on the grass in front of the stone with Archie on my lap and explained that Alfie was below us, but is was only his bones left, Grandma showed him Alfie's name on the stone and pointed out that they have the same second name. He seemed pretty mellow about it, he did ask on the way there if we were digging him up!!! Luckily he forgot all about that request once at the cemetery.
A moment filled with such mixed emotions, I did have a wee tear in my eye as we sat there, so so so grateful, beyond words to be holding my lovely boy, feeling his warmth the smell of his hair and listening to his nonsense chatter and yer overwhelmed with sadness that I never got the chance to know Alfie, that as time goes on I feel sad in a empty feeble way. I know some people will disagree with the way we raise our kids and of course it is all coloured by the loss of our first born, yes I probably do indulge them  emotionally more than I should, but can anyone love a child too much! As for our way of including Alfie and making him a part of our family, I feel we have the balance right. I am always firm with Archie that we are not sad anymore, and that we have him and Sadie to love...I don't want the kids to grow up in the shadow of an older dead sibling, however I do feel it is important that they understand the cycle of life. Shit, I always remember thinking that losing a pet was such a great experience for kids, one less thing I have to worry about since our experienced death from the get go - I hope it only increases their emotional abilities and makes them rounder warmer and more compassionate individuals - One can  always dream for the best for their children.