Saturday, 19 March 2011
Been thinking a lot about this lately...... A few hours after Alfie died I was sitting in a room in the hospital (can't even remember which room) discussing with the consultant on duty the birth procedure. My gut instinct was just to get Alfie out - I wanted a section there and then. I was persuaded however, for many different reasons to have an induction - one of the biggest reasons and the one that swayed me was my mums, she said - 'you've been robbed of your baby, don't be robbed of the experience of childbirth'......she was absolutely right. After Alfie was born we did skin to skin straight away - the labor itself was good under the circumstances, we were given a pessary at apprx 8am and he was born at 6.30pm good for a 1st labor. I felt like wonder women - I had actually given birth - theres teh cathc - I'd in reality given death, how awful is that!It was however not my ideal birth (aside from Alfie being stillborn), I had always wanted a water birth and we were on schedule to do that. I used to imagine having my 1st baby in water in the hospital and future babies at home in a pool. I love swimming and as I had just swam a 5k swimathon the day before i found out I was pregnant with Alfie a waterbirth seemed so appropriate. Since Alfie's birth both my other pregnancies have been inductions at 37 weeks - I couldn't have coped with any other way. So why does part of me still feel robbed of a more natural water birth - my babies are here safely and that's the important part. I also wonder why when I hear of somemone else's pregnancy do I still have a pang - is it because I want more babies? is it because I actually want Alfie, is it because I want the bubble back - the time before, before I lost my wee man when life was simple. So, robbed of my son and robbed of my dream to have a natural water birth. I imagine that if I have another baby I'll be brave enough to have a homebirth - I can only do this fantasy because I know it's exactly that - no more babies for us, so I can safely dream.....the reality would be I'd be too scared to not be monitored and in control.