Our Alfie moto, Don't. cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Our Alfie moto, Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.Dr Seuss

Saturday, 19 March 2011


Been thinking a lot about this lately...... A few hours after Alfie died I was sitting in a room in the hospital (can't even remember which room) discussing with the consultant on duty the birth procedure. My gut instinct was just to get Alfie out - I wanted a section there and then. I was persuaded however, for many different reasons to have an induction - one of the biggest reasons and the one that swayed me was my mums, she said - 'you've been robbed of your baby, don't be robbed of the experience of childbirth'......she was absolutely right. After Alfie was born we did skin to skin straight away - the labor itself was good under the circumstances, we were given a pessary at apprx 8am and he was born at 6.30pm good for a 1st labor. I felt like wonder women - I had actually given birth - theres teh cathc - I'd in reality given death, how awful is that!It was however not my ideal birth (aside from Alfie being stillborn), I had always wanted a water birth and we were on schedule to do that. I used to imagine having my 1st baby in water in the hospital and future babies at home in a pool. I love swimming and as I had just swam a 5k swimathon the day before i found out I was pregnant with Alfie a waterbirth seemed so appropriate. Since Alfie's birth both my other pregnancies have been inductions at 37 weeks - I couldn't have coped with any other way. So why does part of me still feel robbed of a more natural water birth - my babies are here safely and that's the important part. I also wonder why when I hear of somemone else's pregnancy do I still have a pang - is it because I want more babies? is it because I actually want Alfie, is it because I want the bubble back - the time before, before I lost my wee man when life was simple. So, robbed of my son and robbed of my dream to have a natural water birth. I imagine that if I have another baby I'll be brave enough to have a homebirth - I can only do this fantasy because I know it's exactly that - no more babies for us, so I can safely dream.....the reality would be I'd be too scared to not be monitored and in control.

1 comment:

  1. I think it's only normal to feel robbed, you have been.
    I'm grateful Florence's birth was so wonderful, but she died, I've been robbed too.
    We all have. x