129 - exhausted

Dad left the hospital today for a wee walk, he managed quite far - so this eve he was exhausted.
He did really well and seems to have grasped the patient idea now - no more escape strategies going on.
He was great again with the kids this aft, lots of cuddles and noises.
He participated in rehab for the 1st time today and bet the SALT guy at noughts and crosses, apparently he used proper strategy - so his concentration is obviously extending. He said yeah and No tonight and he said goodbye to my mum.
Phew I'm exhausted, so god knows how mum must be feeling, the emotions involved are using all my spare energy - so anything other than taking care of kids, visiting and running zaps me.
It was however, lovely to see my sands mums today, I've missed my pals - such an awesome group of woman.

128 - happiest bday present

My beautiful dad was awesome this aft, we took the kids in to visit with him and he loved it. He was the best and closest to himself since the stroke. He was so animated, he tried to talk, went for a walk holding the kids hands,sang to the kids, spent ages stroking Archie's hair while they had a cuddle, it was so lovely. At one point I went outside with Pug and watched through the window as Mum and Dad hung out with the kids, they were sitting on the bed next to one another, dad put his arm round her shoulders and kissed her - tears of joy from both Pug and I........ a beautiful moment, lets hope we have many more.

I couldn't have asked for anything better, xxxx Thanks my lovely dad

126-7 limited progress - tiny steps

I didn't blog last night as I stayed with my mum to keep her company. We actually had a lovely eve, after visiting with Dad we went back to theirs and hung out, ate choc, drank wine, knitted, crocheted and watched 2 episodes of the bridge - happy days........only thing mussing my Dad in the corner saying nowt but bringing us our drinks and snacks.

Dad's progress is slowing down (as is to be expected), he is managing a few wee things and the more time we spend with him the more wee things we notice. Today he managed to cross his arms in front of him. I was standing chatting to him and mum and a guy wanted past with a piece of machinery, my dad signalled to me to get out of the way - big deal really that he has that level of awareness. He laughed out loud at his male nurse commenting on a bogie and he is giving mum loads of cuddles and kisses.

On the downside he is still very confused, he just wants to leave - we spent the eve wandering the corridors and trying to keep him away from exits - we now have to hide bags, coats etc as if he sees them he thinks it is time to go home. My mum is just awesome, her love for my dad is amazing - he is such a challenge, he is so pissed off and frustrated yet she continues to smile, kiss him, encourage him etc - all these years of love coupled with her years as a primary teacher means she has infinite patience and compassion - what a woman. She is smiling in the face of it all - we keep cuddling dad and telling him he is getting better and that we can fight it, we are all in it together etc

Bring on Cameron so that poor guy can get some decent rehab and a bit of fresh air......

My emotions have settled again, I feel a little less manic and the sadness has dissipated for now - I know these things come in waves, so I am hunkering down recharging and waiting for the next hurdle.
Thanks again to all for the loving thoughts - so much easier knowing people have got our back.
xxxx

125 - just a phase?

Dad is doing so well physically, tonight he was wandering around with one hand in his pocket! Apparently, we have this on good advice that this 'wandering' is a phase - especially when the physical body recovers at a faster rate than the cognitive. Phew, because it is distressing for all concerned - poor Dad, he so doesn't want to go back into the bay, he started making an awful high pitched sound almost like a silent scream. He is a wido though, we were giving him a hard time tonight because he made a be line straight for the door to the visitors waiting room - access tot eh outside world - and knew to press the button to get release the security door, en route he started walking funny and we worked out he was pretending to sneak out, thank goodness he still has a sense of humour.

Wee Mable visited tonight and he was his usual animated self with her, some light relief for all involved.

I so hope this is a phase - he is going to Cameron asap now, they have beautiful grounds apparently - better have an electric perimeter fence too!

O my lovely Dad, it is so sad and distressing to see you so confused - you've been my constant my whole life, I had no idea you'd be whipped from us so savagely and quickly.......one imagines a decline in the abilities of their parents both mentally and physically, but to lose it within the space of an hour is just gut wrenching. I wonder when the tears will stop?

124 - beautiful flower moment

I went in to see dad the day and noticed this.......

Every year Dad always says the gorgeous rhododendron bush flowers on the 1st of may - our old neighbour Molly was just saying to Mum, Alan will be chuffed his roddi will be out soon. Mum must have taken in for him, I know it is only a wee flower, but I was so sad - I couldn't stop the tears, all that it symbolises, our beautiful family garden cared for by both of them all these years, my mum trying to reach out to my dad, all the fantastic sunny days we've spent hanging out in the garden with the kids - shit I can just about cope if I focus on the here and now, but if begin to comprehend just what we may have lost - I lose it.
I just want my barry dad back....................love you pops xxxx

On a positive note, mum was allowed to spend the time between visting with dad today, teh just sat quietly together as they would at home - he perked up when pointless came on.
My mum told him today, we are going to fight this we are 'team Strachan' and we can get through this! xxx

123 - a move is on the cards

We had a big meeting today with the stroke liaison nurse. She is so kind, down to earth and positive and yet I still feel shocked and somewhat numb when I realise mid conversation that we are discussing my lovely, articulate, generous, kind, funny, astute dad - where has that guy gone? I swear he is in there somewhere - you must all be bored of me saying that (you've no idea how many times a day I reassure myself!!! take heart that I only write it down once a day or you would be as demented as I am). Liaison nurse is optimistic that he will go into the under 65 unit at Cameron hopefully next week.

He is much more settled today, so no escape as yet, although he maybe using a covert tactic and planning - somehow unlikely, as it is 'impulse control' that has been damaged, he doesn't take stock of or observe, he just does nae planning involved. Apparently something he will relearn. We were also told today although we can never say never he has suffered significant damage to his speech and it will require huge therapy. Isn't it funny how things change, initially we were so concerned about him being able to talk - now I don't care, I've lowered the bar already - now I'd be over the moon if I thought he could comprehend his situation and understand us.

Peggy visited today, she was similar to Archie in her response - but warmed as time went on and then didn't want to leave - the opposite to her Granda. Dad was great with her, smiling and attempting to chat.

Tonight, a guy who was visiting someone else came over and said Hi Alan - none of us knew who he was, he said to dad you won't recognise me - we all looked bewildered, then he said his name at which point my Dad straight away lit up, tried to sit forward and shake with his bad arm...he was so animated, he said 'i think'.....and trailed off as usual - another new word though. He also used hand gestures to make a point.
Hmmm he is so selective in his responses, the therapy road is gonna be a mystery tour!

What braw to see him smiling the day xxx

122-bittersweet happiness

We took the kids in to see my dad today - Sadie hasn't been in for a few days and it was Archie's first visit. In many ways it was wonderful to see dad with the kids, he said hiya 3 times to Sadie and he sang her the 1st line of Aly baly bee (I discussed music therapy with his nurse today). She is totally natural with him, she sat on his bed for easily 10mins reading him his cards, pointing to the pictures and telling him what they were, while he oo'd and ahh'd in all the right places. Archie was quite timid to start with but as time went on he relaxed and was finally more interested in the electric bed and the bed guards - he did show dad his trains and tell him about them, but he was aware that it wasn't his 'usual' grandad.

My heart breaks thinking about what he has lost, I can't begin to go there - I just have to think if this is what we have now we will make the most of it. The kids will adapt and more than likely forget a time when granda was his 'usual' self.

In terms of dad he is making slow progress - he is still trying to escape the ward. He was caught at the lifts today pressing the button to go down - luckily they caught him. Mum has had to buy 2 rather brightly coloured t shirts for him to wear so he can be spotted and easily identified, she showed him them tonight and he burst out laughing. He said Oh Hi when I walked in tonight to visiting and he is making more effort to try and talk. Our encounter with SALT today was a little depressing, he never sugar coats anything, so it is tough going.

phew - pretty exhausting this roller coaster of emotion.
Pugs finals went well, he is quietly confident - actually he said 'i'm not suicidal' about it - same diff no?

Had a nice hug wi dad before I left, xxxxx

We all also want to say a huge thanks to everyone for there messages of kindness and offers of help. As for my lovely pals, thanks girls - not ready to come out the bubble as of yet, but I will try again soon. Good to feel the love and know that the support is there.