oor week in the heelands

Last week the kids and I plus Auntie Mo mo and Grandma Grandad spent a week at 'great glen water park'. It was a welcome break after the 5 days of illness - that mastitis it oooowwweeee, hope tis gone for good. We had a lovely time, doing nowt - weather was pretty crap and place was miles from anywhere, so the pool and walks was about it. That and I ate for scotland! choclate every night and tablet like it was going out of style. We visited a rare breeds croft, which Archie loved......see above. The wee lambs were feeding and peeing everywhere which amused him no end.

Archie learnt to swim with armbands this week.....G and G were very good at taking him swimming, I was less eager - being lazy besom I am. It was amazing to see the change in him over the week, throwing himself in with no-one to catch him by the end of the week. Sadie also loved it, she was super confident in the water - we sat her on the side and said 1 2 3, on 3 she pushed herself into our arms in the pool.

We had a wee day out to Fort Augutus where we had to have coffee and cakes - which has become Archie's favourite phrase for now. Every cafe we pass he shouts 'coffee cake mummy', no question that he's my son!

On our day oot, Archie spied a tractor in someones garden....Grandma being the nutter she is, let him climb on - luckily the folk were oot!

Thank goodness for grandma and grandad - ooh and of course, the invincible Auntie Mo mo - without whom life would be dull, and much much harder. Love love love xxx

mothers day - some random thoughts

I never thought much about mothers day prior to Alfie, it wasn't as if I longed to be given a card or flowers etc, it was always about my mum. The 1st mothers day after Alfie died I was gutted, I never left the house. I remember the build up prior to the day, the shops full of cards, flowers, chocolates - everything on special in the supermarkets etc. I was hellish. At that point I used an online forum as a means of support. On the boards I used loads of mums were dreading the day, many of them received gifts anyways - a lot of them received cards from their 'angels' signed by the dads in the angels behalf. I had such mixed emotions about it all.......I really seriously do not believe Alfie is an angel and when people say that it drives me nuts - I am not an 'angel mummy'I much prefer the term bereaved parent. I use the term baby loss (however it is a common less offensive term) - but also have issues with that, its not like I misplaced Alfie like a set of keys - he died, it is so very different. So, that 1st mothers day - I got nothing, even though I didn't want a card from my 'angel' - I did expect Pug to do something to mark the day, even a card from him saying what I don't really know, maybe that he feels for me a mum without a child etc.... His argument was that mothers day is about mothering, raising your child and I had at that point never mothered a child, no breastfeeding, changing, cuddling - but surely nurturing my child in my womb for 37 weeks is part of mothers, giving birth ( not birth really) maybe I should say laboring my child - counts for some form of mothering? otherwise that negates a relationship with our child prior to birth. I still have mixed emotions about that day, about our very different reactions to it. I can only think that Pug related his male experience to the day, that as a man he had a very limited relationship - if at all with our wee man therefore for him being a parent is about after the birth, sadly our birth was a death an he never got any relationship with Alfie. The next year was very different, he made a big fuss because Archie was here, of course it was wonderful and I loved feeling part of a day and been so painfully excluded from a year before. Like every other 'special' day it is tainted knowing that my 1st son isn't with me, not too the point of tears or hiding in the house, just an awareness of what could have been.........but then what about my babies I have with me? they wouldn't exist - an unthinkable situation. SO that's the fucked up life of a parent dealing with a child's death. This year was a wash out so I've asked for another mothers day in a few weeks - mastitis, poorly Archie and love him as I do with all my heart and more - I never got my mothers day card until 7pm, not quite the same as being woken up in bed with flowers( even better if they are picked by the kids from garden, don't need store bought)and a yummy breakfast....... I'll hold him to it!!!

Some things I've been making

Peggy wearing her Flossie's pinafore - I hope Jeanette doesn't mind, I made it slightly longer to fit a 2yr old. Sadie's is cut out ready along with matching culottes Sweet!

I made these 'tattoo'ed' twins for our anniversary - I embroidered the tats and them sewed them up, took ages but they are so random it was so worth it to see Pug's face when I gave him them in the morning, bit old t start getting into dolls, but the kids love them.

Archie's Pickles vest - it has come in so handy while he's poorly and having jammy days, wouldn't mind one myself.

sands weekend

It's been over a week since I returned from my befriender training in glasgow. I have wanted to write about it, but the week has been hectic! just to finish off a crazy week - I've got a yucky bout of mastitis and Archie has a bad cold which has infected his wee eyes. Sad because we had planned a day out with the whole family for mothers day ( see another post on this)to an old steam railway. We went anyways -

Sadie eating as usual and the lovely wee Caitlin. I'm so ill at this point I have three jackets on and I was still freezing.

Sadie baby girl in the baggage rack - another of her dad's photos! I can assure you no child was harmed in the making off this photo - the train was still in the station on Woops, off on a tangent. Back to sands weekend. It was lovely to spend some time with Susan, however it was emotionally draining. We also had out friday night support meeting, where I met a new couple and was rushed back to that early place where grief is overwhelming and you are desperate for someone to help you find a way forward.......draining, however felt lovely helping the couple as I shed a tear on their behalf. Glasgow was interesting, the 1st day was a generic 'communication' workshop, it felt a little like a busmans holiday. ON the 2nd morning, Susan and I filled in the workbook at breakfast - I ended up crying, I realised my triggers a while ago and I felt able to release them.I now know if I discuss how Alfie's death affected my loved ones, I lose it. It's as though I've become immune to my own 'story' but not how painful it was for others. When I think of how hard it was for my mum and dad it kills me. The sunday workshop was very emotional for the other women, however I went into mode and felt nothing, other than empathy for the woman sharing her babies story with me. The outcome of the day for me was the desire to advocate on behalf of mums who've lost a during her next pregnancy and to help with the communication with the hospital. We also discussed the lack of support in parenting after loss, and we were encouraged to talk about our Tuesday club at the scottish network day. I wonder if we need to talk to national sands about what we can all do to help mums and dads with parenting.

crazyness occurring

this week the doodle has been preoccupied with 'hats'. he has to wear them whilst driving his train.

stupidly, i went upstairs to get Sadie up and left doodle in livingroom without puuting gate over!!!! agh, 2 minutes - only 2 minutes, we don't live in a palace - I only nipped upstairs - came down and found a 1/2 empty new bottle of ketchup all over Archie's new cream chair. Took it in my stride laughed and (o forgot to add, I'd only put it on the night before having just washed and ironed it the night before - his backside hadn't even sat on it) put a wash on, when I came to hang it out, I thought I'll put Sadie in the big pants while I nip to garden........

To balance out out excessive washing energy consumption we planted some of our own carbon neutral veg.

Robbed

Been thinking a lot about this lately...... A few hours after Alfie died I was sitting in a room in the hospital (can't even remember which room) discussing with the consultant on duty the birth procedure. My gut instinct was just to get Alfie out - I wanted a section there and then. I was persuaded however, for many different reasons to have an induction - one of the biggest reasons and the one that swayed me was my mums, she said - 'you've been robbed of your baby, don't be robbed of the experience of childbirth'......she was absolutely right. After Alfie was born we did skin to skin straight away - the labor itself was good under the circumstances, we were given a pessary at apprx 8am and he was born at 6.30pm good for a 1st labor. I felt like wonder women - I had actually given birth - theres teh cathc - I'd in reality given death, how awful is that!It was however not my ideal birth (aside from Alfie being stillborn), I had always wanted a water birth and we were on schedule to do that. I used to imagine having my 1st baby in water in the hospital and future babies at home in a pool. I love swimming and as I had just swam a 5k swimathon the day before i found out I was pregnant with Alfie a waterbirth seemed so appropriate. Since Alfie's birth both my other pregnancies have been inductions at 37 weeks - I couldn't have coped with any other way. So why does part of me still feel robbed of a more natural water birth - my babies are here safely and that's the important part. I also wonder why when I hear of somemone else's pregnancy do I still have a pang - is it because I want more babies? is it because I actually want Alfie, is it because I want the bubble back - the time before, before I lost my wee man when life was simple. So, robbed of my son and robbed of my dream to have a natural water birth. I imagine that if I have another baby I'll be brave enough to have a homebirth - I can only do this fantasy because I know it's exactly that - no more babies for us, so I can safely dream.....the reality would be I'd be too scared to not be monitored and in control.

day 13 archie's antics

I turned round in the kitchen the other night and something felt odd, ignoring this feeling (its a common occurrence in my brain) I went into the living room to see Archie - only to find he's dragged the big pants into the room to watch tv - that's what was oddly missing from the kitchen......hmmm how could I not miss it! As you can see he also is back into his demolition phase, lets face it he never really left it yet - will he ever!!!!!

Archie has been talking much more this week and has begun to repeat things with out any prompting - we better watch our rather flowery language from now on! We have had, 'me too', 'cocynut', 'oh dear', 'no way', 'purple poo'. Not sure where purple poo came from, I made some cupcakes this weekend with violet food colouring and seriously thought Archie had eaten so much icing he had had a purple poo - I even phoned my mum to see if he'd done a purple poo with her, but no! so I can only assume - purple poo means something else in Archie speak LOL.

Look at that adorable wee face, who would think he chucks crisps all over the kitchen floor, steals ta tas from babies at toddlers, pushes his wee sister over countless times daily, breaks fridge magnets, throws ALL of the books form the shelf onto the floor countless times daily! LOL My awesome Archie - all of it pales into insignificance when he climbs into bed in the morning looks at the wee burn on my hand say 'ouwy' and goes and gets some cream to put on it ( insert mummies heart melting noises). BIG NEWS - Sadie stood for the 1st time today.....looks odd such a wee tot standing, of course I cried...... A week of tears, tantrums, tummy laughs and togetherness with my darlings xxx