Our Alfie moto, Don't. cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Our Alfie moto, Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.Dr Seuss







Saturday 18 February 2012

48-366 happy to be en famille - warning sad content


Today was Uncle Jim's funeral. It was so sad to see my Dad hurting, and all the others in the family.
The service was gentle and touching - but death is always hard no matter age or stage, most of the time people leave loved ones behind and in doing so leave a legacy. One takes comfort in the knowledge that Jim left behind people who loved him, who will continue to miss him and think of him - ultimately continue to love him.

Funny thing that, loving someone who is no longer with us, you would think it fades over time - in my experience the pain of losing them fades but the love doesn't.
Loss is only tolerable due to love.

I fought hard during the service to focus on  Jim, my dad, auntie Jean and Gran - however, I was drawn back to Alfie a number of times. It is so hard not to - I am my own frame of reference. I'm sure everyone thinks of all the people they have lost at funerals, I'm sure my Gran stood thinking about standing in the same spot at my Granda's funeral.
I know people think that 'sands' mums go on too much about losing our babies, however it is tough as death is all we have to remind us of them, no happy moments, laughter, joy, nothing - just the stark reality of loss. I endeavour to remember the moments of happiness during my pregnancy with Alfie and of course in a paradoxical way I was happy to meet him even if I knew it was also our final and first meeting in one.

This has turned into a ramble - not what I had initially intended tonight.
What with losing Jim and Grandma Marion dying we are surrounded by it, it is hard not to dwell.

I struggled to think of a photo for today, I wanted to take a photo of my lovely family, but never got a chance.......and as this post had turned into Alfie wee mans i think I'll do a photo for him.


I feel I need to explain myself - I know many people have photos of their wee ones online, on facebook, up on walls in the house and have countless photos of their graves. I've always felt mixed about this and I'm never sure why? I guess prior to losing Alfie I would have been truly horrified at the thought of a dead baby photo or a grave, however I know that's all we have. So I am bravely putting up a picture of Alfie's  grave on his anniversary this year.
Leaving a red (his absolute favourite colour) balloon for his big brother.



 

I decided not to re read or edit this post so apologies if it is macabre and a mess xxxx

1 comment:

  1. Just catching up with your fabby blog. _ its a good thing you didnt re read or edit this post, your raw words, said straight from the heart are all that was needed. Its a beautiful post, sad but each word drenched in love and memories and a strong sense of family. you have a wonderful family :) xxx

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