Dad has been taken of all IV meds and fluids - this means his good hand is now free to use and he is free to wlak about - not so good!
He spent the majority of the day walking - it is killing the nurses, tonight when we left he followed us to the door and pretty much refused to go back in - poor guy, he is still a little confused. He does however still have a wicked sense of humour.
He continually takes the piss out of my mum by making faces behind her back if she is 'nagging' him. However, biggest deal so far and I bloody missed it - he talked. Antony and mum were walking with him when a guy in a side room started shouting (he does every night) 'extra blanket' - after 20 times, my dad mimicked him and apparently even said it in the same tone and then he laughed a real belly laugh.
He also says aye, bye and right. So we are seeing some glimmer of hope.
It is so difficult to remain optimistic, we getting conflicting advice and I never know who to listen to. SALT said today dad was uncooperative, and that usually physical and neural progress happens simultaneously, clearly not the case in my dad, which then leads me to worry that he might never get his cognition back, this terrifies me to be honest. I am so superstitious I feel as if I even think it it might come true - duh, how irrational I am. Same when Alfie died, terrified to think a negative thought in case something negative happened - like my mind can control the world, as if! For one Alfie would be alive and my dad wouldn't be in hospital, confused and miserable and for 2 I would be minted and living in a mortgage free beautiful house with my family all happy, proof enough that my mind/thoughts have no influence on pops recovery.......
Today was a really tearful day, Archie spent most of it saying he missed Granda and he was worried because Granda missed Grandma - that and how did Granda get his ouwy head?
xxxxx
Monday, 30 April 2012
Sunday, 29 April 2012
120 - singing kinda sorta?
Strange day with Dad - he is down and it make us down. I really hope he gets out the hospital soon and gets along to Cameron, he is bored and it is making him miserable.
He seemed very confused tonight, although he did sing mum and I a wee song, not sure what it was really - the best way to describe it is a wee song. Not words as such but noises, the most I've heard so far.
He is still responding the most to videos of the kids and his pal.
I am trying to remember that we need to measure things in weeks rather than days, in which case he is doing brilliant.
Wish I could say the same for me - another v emotional day, still getting waves of sadness and disbelief that my awesome dad is no longer the man he was - please please let him come back, I want nothing more right now than to watch him play with Archie oot the back with the water hose and the sand pit.
I gave dad a cuddle tonight when it was just the 2 of us and told him how much I miss him - sucks so much.
Pug has his finals tomorrow, I really hope he does well - he deserves it after all his hard work and after all the heartache of late. Shit, just when you think life is getting easier something else comes and knocks you back on your ass. I do think he will be fine, he is his own worse crtic, wuite a british trait for a Californian boy.
Thank goodness once again for my lovely wee ones, I wouldn't be coping so well if I didn't have them to cuddle in to.
My other salvation is the running and sewing - more plans for quiet cutting and stitching.
Think I might make some stuff for dad,
Night night my lovely dad I really do miss you xx
He seemed very confused tonight, although he did sing mum and I a wee song, not sure what it was really - the best way to describe it is a wee song. Not words as such but noises, the most I've heard so far.
He is still responding the most to videos of the kids and his pal.
I am trying to remember that we need to measure things in weeks rather than days, in which case he is doing brilliant.
Wish I could say the same for me - another v emotional day, still getting waves of sadness and disbelief that my awesome dad is no longer the man he was - please please let him come back, I want nothing more right now than to watch him play with Archie oot the back with the water hose and the sand pit.
I gave dad a cuddle tonight when it was just the 2 of us and told him how much I miss him - sucks so much.
Pug has his finals tomorrow, I really hope he does well - he deserves it after all his hard work and after all the heartache of late. Shit, just when you think life is getting easier something else comes and knocks you back on your ass. I do think he will be fine, he is his own worse crtic, wuite a british trait for a Californian boy.
Thank goodness once again for my lovely wee ones, I wouldn't be coping so well if I didn't have them to cuddle in to.
My other salvation is the running and sewing - more plans for quiet cutting and stitching.
Think I might make some stuff for dad,
Night night my lovely dad I really do miss you xx
119- Look no hands - more tears of joy
WOW - my dad walked along the corridor with us tonight, we must look such a circus - the staff are probably gagging for him/us to leave. 2 per bed results in 8 of us following him up and down the corridor. He was grinning at my nephews as one of the said like "check me out walking"!
It does, however remind me of Archie when he was wee - walking by 10months with ZERO danger awareness, body maturing long before cognition.
Dad did look so excited to see his pal Bill the night, Rovers won and are staying up so they were both chuffed. My dad tried to shake Bill's hand with his bad hand - he can move it pretty far now.
Today Dad was by far the most alert he has been, he doesn't react much to us though - I think he is bored with us and wants out of hospital - apparently he tried to get ready to leave with my mum tonight - no long noo Dad, hang in there and you'll be at the park watching the bairns - xxxx
It does, however remind me of Archie when he was wee - walking by 10months with ZERO danger awareness, body maturing long before cognition.
Dad did look so excited to see his pal Bill the night, Rovers won and are staying up so they were both chuffed. My dad tried to shake Bill's hand with his bad hand - he can move it pretty far now.
Today Dad was by far the most alert he has been, he doesn't react much to us though - I think he is bored with us and wants out of hospital - apparently he tried to get ready to leave with my mum tonight - no long noo Dad, hang in there and you'll be at the park watching the bairns - xxxx
Friday, 27 April 2012
118 - bathroom humor
When we went to visit dad today I was chatting with the nurse who told me that dad had managed to get out of his chair and into the loo and locked himself in!! If it wasn't so funny it would be scary. We are trying to tell him that if he falls he could have a serious bleed on his brain or break a hip etc......all he does is roll his eyes at us.
This eve when we went in he had moved to the chair at the other side of the bed - on his own. The old dude in the bed opposite said he had been ringing the nurses all day to stop my dad wandering.
Poor dad, his physical recovery is awesome, however as his cognitive ability is still seriously impaired, he just doesn't have any danger awareness. He was so pissed off this aft, not interested in anything or anybody (a la Still Game, for those in the know). Slightly better humour this eve but very sleepy - maybe tomorrow will be a better day?
Still not ready to leave my bubble - I wonder when I will feel strong enough? I went to see the tail end of Momo's show tonight, she was fantastic and of course her costume was awesome - pats self on back. Lovely to see Momo but felt odd being in public.
Happy news is that as soon as Dad is off the anitb's for his infection he will probably be ready to go to Cameron - I know its not a miracle cure but I have heard so many positive things about it, it is hard not to get too excited. The one good thing is we will be allowed to take him out for wee trips, so hoping a wee trip to the park with the kids will be in our future.
No sewing today, just cutting out and buying fabric......dreaming of my new crepe dress with yellow clogs. happy clothes to cheer me up.
Love and kisses Dad night night xxx
This eve when we went in he had moved to the chair at the other side of the bed - on his own. The old dude in the bed opposite said he had been ringing the nurses all day to stop my dad wandering.
Poor dad, his physical recovery is awesome, however as his cognitive ability is still seriously impaired, he just doesn't have any danger awareness. He was so pissed off this aft, not interested in anything or anybody (a la Still Game, for those in the know). Slightly better humour this eve but very sleepy - maybe tomorrow will be a better day?
Still not ready to leave my bubble - I wonder when I will feel strong enough? I went to see the tail end of Momo's show tonight, she was fantastic and of course her costume was awesome - pats self on back. Lovely to see Momo but felt odd being in public.
Happy news is that as soon as Dad is off the anitb's for his infection he will probably be ready to go to Cameron - I know its not a miracle cure but I have heard so many positive things about it, it is hard not to get too excited. The one good thing is we will be allowed to take him out for wee trips, so hoping a wee trip to the park with the kids will be in our future.
No sewing today, just cutting out and buying fabric......dreaming of my new crepe dress with yellow clogs. happy clothes to cheer me up.
Love and kisses Dad night night xxx
Thursday, 26 April 2012
117 - the boyos bring happiness
My Dad is doing well, I saw very little of him this afternoon as his mum and aunt came to visit...but this evening my 2 nephews came to visit. What a reaction, Dad pulled one of their Hoodie strings towards him to give him a kiss......He also waved goodbye - monumental given he refuses to even raise a finger when we leave. This gives me real hope for his ability to understand, he clearly has moments of awareness. Antony was telling him tonight about William Boyd writing the next Bond and dad said "aye emmm" then he lost his train of thought, it was really spontaneous and as though he was going to say, Aye em I read that in the paper.
His walking is improving every day, we had to take his trainers in the night, and yes he is still escaping from his chair, rolls his eyes at us when we tell him to stay put.
I on the other hand had a bad day, very weepy. Bumped into a few lovely pals who asked after dad and I just couldn't hold it in....best just to roll with the punches. I'm going to have a really quiet day tomorrow and climb back into my cocoon. Was braw to escape for a while this morning with my lovely pal and her wee ones, but then a trip down town in the pouring rain and a wet dash to nursery then the drop kids off then hospital was too much.
On a happy trivial note, I ordered new fabric to make another dress this time a size smaller and in plain red. I am planning on omitting the ties and making button holes in the waist at either side and using big giant buttons. Will post pic of finished item. My violet blouse was a great success so I few more planned.
Got a lovely email from Tilly re the cynthia rowley pattern I am trying to get in the uk, so far with limited success....and my failure on the beignet front. I will try another one!
Night my dad, I love you xxx
His walking is improving every day, we had to take his trainers in the night, and yes he is still escaping from his chair, rolls his eyes at us when we tell him to stay put.
I on the other hand had a bad day, very weepy. Bumped into a few lovely pals who asked after dad and I just couldn't hold it in....best just to roll with the punches. I'm going to have a really quiet day tomorrow and climb back into my cocoon. Was braw to escape for a while this morning with my lovely pal and her wee ones, but then a trip down town in the pouring rain and a wet dash to nursery then the drop kids off then hospital was too much.
On a happy trivial note, I ordered new fabric to make another dress this time a size smaller and in plain red. I am planning on omitting the ties and making button holes in the waist at either side and using big giant buttons. Will post pic of finished item. My violet blouse was a great success so I few more planned.
Got a lovely email from Tilly re the cynthia rowley pattern I am trying to get in the uk, so far with limited success....and my failure on the beignet front. I will try another one!
Night my dad, I love you xxx
Wednesday, 25 April 2012
116- tv heaven
What a peaceful day in comparison to yesterday's emotional minefield.
Archie's photos for Granda, I told him today Dad was in hospital and very tired and had a sore head -he suggested maybe some medicine - if only my wee man xxx
Sadie slept most of the morning and I managed to make 2 pairs of trousers, 1 funky beach bum striped linen for Archie and one cute drawstring waist CND sign flowery ones for wee Mabel - hope they fit her, they are too cute. I made them from the left over of Peggy's Xmas present Hoodie - they could be matchy matchy if mum and dad are so inclined? It was so nice to lose myself in the process of sewing - the hum of the machine and focus required helps me zone out. It also feels great to produce something creative and useful.
Sadie and I had a quiet lunch and then the hospital rounds begin.....
Dad was in good form today, he smiled a lot, was mainly awake and seemed to be aware of most things although it is so hard to tell......so we conducted a wee experiment.
I took a black marker and we wrote down, can you read this? to which he responded by his usual nod....then we thought he may be nodding to anything, so as our control we needed something we knew the answer to - for anyone who knows my dad well, they will know he pretty much doesn't like cooked veg, he can tolerate a carrot and the on going joke in the family is that he eats 1 sprout, a token gesture although he doesn't enjoy it much. So I wrote down do you want a Brussel sprout? - he nodded, then after a few seconds he grimaced, poor guy I think he understood eventually, however as I write this I realise he was probably thinking how surreal - why the hell are they asking me if I want a sprout, they know I hate them.......Yikes, when he gets better he is gonna be pissed of wi us.
He managed to walk the ward corridor with the help of the physio's and he is muttering more, he did say Antony tonight, although it wasn't clear. His infected arm is looking pretty rough, and he is in pain - he keeps showing it to us, hopefully the anti-b's will work soon. We left him watching the champions league on his wee portable flatscreen TV HEAVEN, the morn he is getting my DAB radio, plus he has his ipod - life of luxury on that ward.
I am becoming more accustomed to our life at present, I miss my dad and I miss my mum, she is occupied with maintaining her own mental health and being strong for dad so they are both inaccessible right now, for the 1st time in my life I'm in a crisis without either of my natural supports - I do feel rudderless...I know I have Pugs, and he is being awesome about putting kids to bed every night and picking up round the house while I go to eve visiting, but he is absorbed in his Finals - which are on Monday.
I feel my life is in a vacuum - very similar to when Alfie died, I exist from day to day, I only go out to nursery, the hospital or a quick nip to the shops, thank goodness for the running - I've run every night en route to the hospital, the staff are laughing at my braw legs in shorts!
Don't mean to sound woe is me, I actually am finding some peace in the quiet routine of our new temporary life. I just want to feel secure enough to relax and not flinch everytime I see my mums name come up on the mobile. I know she flinches everytime her house phone goes, can't imagine how hellish she feels.
Lovely to see them both having a wee cuddle the night, true soul mates, inspiring as always.
How amazing after all these years that they are still going strong, I remembered this afternoon that after my dad retired and mum was still working he bought flowers, croissant and bubbly for her coming home on the half day at end of term to celebrate the beginning of the holidays 'what a guy dad!' your responsible for me having such high expectations in my husband ( and rightly so).
Love youse xxx
Sadie slept most of the morning and I managed to make 2 pairs of trousers, 1 funky beach bum striped linen for Archie and one cute drawstring waist CND sign flowery ones for wee Mabel - hope they fit her, they are too cute. I made them from the left over of Peggy's Xmas present Hoodie - they could be matchy matchy if mum and dad are so inclined? It was so nice to lose myself in the process of sewing - the hum of the machine and focus required helps me zone out. It also feels great to produce something creative and useful.
Sadie and I had a quiet lunch and then the hospital rounds begin.....
Dad was in good form today, he smiled a lot, was mainly awake and seemed to be aware of most things although it is so hard to tell......so we conducted a wee experiment.
I took a black marker and we wrote down, can you read this? to which he responded by his usual nod....then we thought he may be nodding to anything, so as our control we needed something we knew the answer to - for anyone who knows my dad well, they will know he pretty much doesn't like cooked veg, he can tolerate a carrot and the on going joke in the family is that he eats 1 sprout, a token gesture although he doesn't enjoy it much. So I wrote down do you want a Brussel sprout? - he nodded, then after a few seconds he grimaced, poor guy I think he understood eventually, however as I write this I realise he was probably thinking how surreal - why the hell are they asking me if I want a sprout, they know I hate them.......Yikes, when he gets better he is gonna be pissed of wi us.
He managed to walk the ward corridor with the help of the physio's and he is muttering more, he did say Antony tonight, although it wasn't clear. His infected arm is looking pretty rough, and he is in pain - he keeps showing it to us, hopefully the anti-b's will work soon. We left him watching the champions league on his wee portable flatscreen TV HEAVEN, the morn he is getting my DAB radio, plus he has his ipod - life of luxury on that ward.
I am becoming more accustomed to our life at present, I miss my dad and I miss my mum, she is occupied with maintaining her own mental health and being strong for dad so they are both inaccessible right now, for the 1st time in my life I'm in a crisis without either of my natural supports - I do feel rudderless...I know I have Pugs, and he is being awesome about putting kids to bed every night and picking up round the house while I go to eve visiting, but he is absorbed in his Finals - which are on Monday.
I feel my life is in a vacuum - very similar to when Alfie died, I exist from day to day, I only go out to nursery, the hospital or a quick nip to the shops, thank goodness for the running - I've run every night en route to the hospital, the staff are laughing at my braw legs in shorts!
Don't mean to sound woe is me, I actually am finding some peace in the quiet routine of our new temporary life. I just want to feel secure enough to relax and not flinch everytime I see my mums name come up on the mobile. I know she flinches everytime her house phone goes, can't imagine how hellish she feels.
Lovely to see them both having a wee cuddle the night, true soul mates, inspiring as always.
How amazing after all these years that they are still going strong, I remembered this afternoon that after my dad retired and mum was still working he bought flowers, croissant and bubbly for her coming home on the half day at end of term to celebrate the beginning of the holidays 'what a guy dad!' your responsible for me having such high expectations in my husband ( and rightly so).
Love youse xxx
Tuesday, 24 April 2012
115 - rollercoaster
My Lovely neighbour Susan surprised me this am and took Archie to mum and tots across the road just as Sadie was going down for her nap - 2 hours of Clare time, I would like to say I didn't know what to do with myself or that I cleaned but NO! Straight on the sewing machine to finish my new Violet blouse. It turned out really well although I need to take it in at the waist slightly.
So what started as a great day then went horrifically down hill, I has just dropped Archie off at nursery and was heading into town with Sadie when my mum called to say the hospital called to say that my Dad was poorly, he had taken a bad turn and was unresponsive. PANIC - we all rushed up there my brothers running, mum Sadie and I abandoned the car outside the hospital. My mum really thought we were losing him. On arrival we rushed to his bed to be told he was going down for a brain scan ASAP, it might be a bleed on the brain, it might be another stroke or it might be as a result of yesterdays activities coupled with an infection in his arm where he had his cannula in. 2 long hours later and Dad still not responding to any of us, he finally started to move his toes a bit, on both feet - I took this as a good sign, as had it been another stroke he would most likely be unable to move his right foot again.
Phew - he opened his eyes for a second, what a relief. He had a brain scan and there is no evidence of a further stroke or bleed - THANK GOODNESS.
By this eve he was responsive again, he laughed out loud when Antony and I were pointing out his manky toenails which I had told him to get sorted before he went to Spain. He smiled a big full smile when he saw a video of the kids - he tried to talk to us about it, no actual word though.
What a day, Kirsty said about the roller coaster of emotions and I thought she was right, it is the most apt word, how exhausting for all of us, however more so for my poor pops, he must be shattered and having an infection is yucky.
My poor wee mum, she was beside herself, I managed to persuade her to get into bed and cuddle him - so glad she did, they looked lovely - he had his good arm around her cosying her in. Beautiful beautiful beautiful love. If Pug and I have half of their love, fun, passion and joy for each other I'll be a happy woman.
So what started as a great day then went horrifically down hill, I has just dropped Archie off at nursery and was heading into town with Sadie when my mum called to say the hospital called to say that my Dad was poorly, he had taken a bad turn and was unresponsive. PANIC - we all rushed up there my brothers running, mum Sadie and I abandoned the car outside the hospital. My mum really thought we were losing him. On arrival we rushed to his bed to be told he was going down for a brain scan ASAP, it might be a bleed on the brain, it might be another stroke or it might be as a result of yesterdays activities coupled with an infection in his arm where he had his cannula in. 2 long hours later and Dad still not responding to any of us, he finally started to move his toes a bit, on both feet - I took this as a good sign, as had it been another stroke he would most likely be unable to move his right foot again.
Phew - he opened his eyes for a second, what a relief. He had a brain scan and there is no evidence of a further stroke or bleed - THANK GOODNESS.
By this eve he was responsive again, he laughed out loud when Antony and I were pointing out his manky toenails which I had told him to get sorted before he went to Spain. He smiled a big full smile when he saw a video of the kids - he tried to talk to us about it, no actual word though.
What a day, Kirsty said about the roller coaster of emotions and I thought she was right, it is the most apt word, how exhausting for all of us, however more so for my poor pops, he must be shattered and having an infection is yucky.
My poor wee mum, she was beside herself, I managed to persuade her to get into bed and cuddle him - so glad she did, they looked lovely - he had his good arm around her cosying her in. Beautiful beautiful beautiful love. If Pug and I have half of their love, fun, passion and joy for each other I'll be a happy woman.
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