111- baby happiness

Antony took wee Mabel into visit dad today, he reached up to touch her. When we were leaving he also, leaned up to give her a kiss and stroked her head.He was the most alert I've seen him today - and tonight although very tired I saw him move his right foot - I told him he'd done it and and he did it again. He also nodded when I asked him if he wanted me to get mum.

All of these signs are so positive, so why is my heart so heavy?

I am so overwhelmed with sadness for the loss of my dad, I know he's in there somewhere but it is pretty far away.

The speech and language therapist told my mum today it would be unlikely that dad will have a fluent conversation again - although that is not to say he will not be able to communicate, however we may have to use makaton or various other methods, I know technology has come on and hope that if he is unable to verbalise he can communicate via computer? Who knows - all so bloody academic right now. Harsh reality check however, hate the idea I can't have a blether with my dad or hear his voice again - luckily he was more of listener than a talker ( not much option in our house)

I am sad because I know how hellish it is going to be explaining to Archie that his Granda can't talk - I'm not sure if previous posts have touched on how my son thinks the sun rises and sets with his Granda, how they have such a close relationship, my mum and dad have looked after Archie since he was 30 weeks old, we lived with them for a few months and never more than a few days goes by without them hanging out. Then I think if this makes me feel shit - how is my poor dad gonna feel when he gets enough cognition to realise the same - one word SHITE!

I know we are not the only family to suffer this tragedy, or the only person to have suffered, but right now its a pretty lonely place and even after all the pain of losing Alfie I still want to scream it not fair - I want my dad.

Doctors tomorrow to see if they can sign me off for a few weeks, I really can't face talking to a room full for 30 kids about some moral issue, or how if one is a good person then life is good - bullshit, I'm angry.

Luckily my wee ones are at this point oblivious to it all, I am remaining calm and fun with them, they are a welcome break from the heartache.
Archie has started to 'race' me to nursery shouting 'I'm being healthy mummy'....I explained to him I was going out running to be healthy LOL not sure he understands the concept but good to get it in his head early I guess.

Sadie is being her sweet self, so gentle and kind. One good thing that has come from Dad's illness is that the kids are spending more time together.