Tuesday, 15 February 2011
what defines me?
Well this blog was meant to be about parenting after loss (for the record I HATE the term loss, Alfie wasn't a job, house or set of keys) and I seem to have been down another route - life takes over sometimes. I do think about my 'status' as a parent of a dead child on a daily basis, this is odd because, when Alfie 1st died I remember saying to anyone who was prepared to listen - I don't want to be defined as 'clare, the woman who lost a baby' I was so terrified that people would pity me, I went back to work so quickly, for many reasons - one being that I wanted to be more than a mourning mother - if I was at work I was also a teacher. More than 3 years later and I find myself in a position where Alfie's death is an integral part of my life in a public and personal way. I never thought all those years ago that I would be so active about Alfie's death, my involvement with sands has now become a big part of my definition. I think I've become strong enough now that I no longer care if people pity me, also I'm sure it is the way you present yourself. I find taking the lead always helps me, if I am open and happy to discuss Alfie folk seem less inhibited, I do worry though that people think Oh there she goes again banging on about stillbirth, death and the negative. I also worry if I stop it then my alfie will no longer be part of my daily life and I like that he defines me, how could I not be defined by such an enormous event - had he survived he would define me, why not in his death. I love you always my wee man, not a day goes by without you filling my thoughts and it fills me with warmth, you gifts to me - a stronger happier woman who knows what counts in life, how sad I never got to see you smile though xxx