Our Alfie moto, Don't. cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Our Alfie moto, Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.Dr Seuss

Tuesday, 15 February 2011

what defines me?

Well this blog was meant to be about parenting after loss (for the record I HATE the term loss, Alfie wasn't a job, house or set of keys) and I seem to have been down another route - life takes over sometimes. I do think about my 'status' as a parent of a dead child on a daily basis, this is odd because, when Alfie 1st died I remember saying to anyone who was prepared to listen - I don't want to be defined as 'clare, the woman who lost a baby' I was so terrified that people would pity me, I went back to work so quickly, for many reasons - one being that I wanted to be more than a mourning mother - if I was at work I was also a teacher. More than 3 years later and I find myself in a position where Alfie's death is an integral part of my life in a public and personal way. I never thought all those years ago that I would be so active about Alfie's death, my involvement with sands has now become a big part of my definition. I think I've become strong enough now that I no longer care if people pity me, also I'm sure it is the way you present yourself. I find taking the lead always helps me, if I am open and happy to discuss Alfie folk seem less inhibited, I do worry though that people think Oh there she goes again banging on about stillbirth, death and the negative. I also worry if I stop it then my alfie will no longer be part of my daily life and I like that he defines me, how could I not be defined by such an enormous event - had he survived he would define me, why not in his death. I love you always my wee man, not a day goes by without you filling my thoughts and it fills me with warmth, you gifts to me - a stronger happier woman who knows what counts in life, how sad I never got to see you smile though xxx


  1. I too feel defined by Florence's death. I'm no longer a Mummy to a large family, but a Mummy to a large family and a very precious child whom I refuse to stop talking about.
    Thing is, within our family she is very much talked about, she is our daughter, my children's sister, she is always included in all we do, in some way.
    Outside though, I see the slight eye rolls, and I know not everyone is comfortable with me "still going on". I'm probably, "that poor woman who never got over her child dying".

    I wish you had seen Alfie smile. x

  2. Jeanette hugs for the eye-lid-rolls.......they clearly have never had to bury a child, make a decision about what they should wear in their coffin, decide how to face the world - i could go on.

    I say let the eye-lid-rollers bash on, I feel strong enough and proud enough of Alfie to rebuff them.

    Luckily my family are the same and I have a whole bunch of amazing woman who have also lost a child, we meet every week and our babies are always part of our chat. Unless you've experienced it its hard to explain that its not morbid or weird - sadly it's just part of our varied lives.