Today has been a tough one, the numbness of shock is beginning to wear off and the harsh reality and pain that accompanies it are beginning to sink in.
Shit I miss my dad,
Since sunday morning all I've wanted to do is climb into bed and hug him, tonight I didn't quite climb in but I managed to get my arm around his neck and give him an almost proper hug. Mum brought in his own toiletries today so he smelt like dad too which made it even nicer.
We did have a horrible incident with the nursing staff where I was 'assertive', hmm its gonna be a fine balancing act trying to advocate for my dad and mum without pissing the staff off. We need them to be on our side, however I equally can't stand by and see things I consider bad practise go on, sigh - just another thing to deal with.
Back to the most important thing - my Dad, all the other stuff just pales in insignificance in comparison. I am willing him better, he was extremely drowsy tonight and didn't respond much. According to the nurse he did have a really bright spell at 6pm, sad mum missed it, but at least he had one!!!!
I am struggling with the injustice of the situation, my clean living, lovely kind dad lying ill, compared to people who have misused and abused their bodies smoking outside the hospital in their wheelchairs. I pinch myself though and remember that A. his healthy lifestyle will help him recover and B. we attempt to create justice in our world, but reality is it is a construct - life is simply cruel. I know this from losing the wee man - so no point in trying to rationalise it. I just have to appreciate the finer details - the smell of dad, how soft his skin is, his lovely blue eyes - tomorrow maybe a lopsided smile
Love you dad xxxx