Our Alfie moto, Don't. cry because its over, smile because it happened.

Our Alfie moto, Don't cry because its over, smile because it happened.Dr Seuss

Saturday, 12 May 2012

133 coffee, sunshine, fresh air, smiles, laughs, crazy kids.......

Mum was allowed in to stay with dad today as he managed to escape from the ward down to the bottom floor of the hospital....scary!
The bonus to this is that she gets to spend whole day with him and that she can take him outside for a walk. We all met them in the grounds of the hospital. What a lovely afternoon, the kids were mental as usual and dad was loving watching them play in the bushes whooping and screaming.
Archie and I had a wee chat tonight about Granda and him trying to communicate - he makes noises and faces at the kids, they haven't yet picked up on the nuances of his new communication, so I am trying to school Archie in it, I think I managed to get through some of it.

I realised today that I in my dad having his stroke I have lost my moral compass - in the past if I have had to make any decisions or I've been in a situation I've always valued my dads view. If for instance I have felt in any way wronged I've run the situation past mum who then runs it past dad - if he thinks I have been wronged I feel validated in my gripe, mainly because he is so fair and unlike mates, Momo or Pugs or my mum dad wouldn't take my side simply because he's my dad. So who do I go to now when I need some reassurance that its OK to be pissed off, that someone may actually have done me wrong? Sad times......

I have also long been pondering the past. Previously when mum and dad watched the kids I was really aware about spending time with them outwith their 'childcare' times as I worried so much about exploiting them, about them having time for themselves, about allowing them some down time. I am now so ambivalent about it, on one hand I am grateful so grateful that I spent every minute hanging out with my dad, watching him play with the kids, blethering, going on holidays together (a huge favourite for all of us). On the other hand however I feel terribly guilty that the time they should have had together as a couple was monopolised by me and my kids. Life is never black and white - shit, such mixed emotions is a killer on my ruminating brain.

Suffice to say, I love my mum and dad more than ever and every moment spent is valued. xxx

1 comment:

  1. Speaking from the point of view of a grandparent - I think I can assure you that the time your Mom and Dad spent with the grand children just enhanced and expanded the love they have for each other and you and the children. That's what its like to be a grandparent; as a grandmother I love my children more through their children and even though I don't have a lovely man like your dad to share my beautiful grands with, I do share a kind of connection with Barron because they are our children and grand children.

    I'm just saying, don't spend any time feeling guilty, Clare; be joyful for all the love you and your beautiful children have given your parents. Grandchildren are never a burden unless the parents aren't doing their parent job and I don't believe that is the case with you and Pug.

    You have just been giving your parents more joy - not taking away at all from their love; just adding to it.